Mock, Paper, Scissors

When bad translation of slang goes wrong.

News with a twist

Rev. Fishsticks gives us a vocabulary lesson to ensure that we know how to offend gay people.

• The good old days - Famous equine xenophobe Ann Coulter longs for the good old days of the pre-1965 immigration bill that ended a racist quota system which favored immigrants from northern and western Europe. (World Nut Daily, Rick Santorum’s employer)
• One good conspiracy theorist deserves another - It’s win-win as Rick Wiles takes on Alex Jones! I hope they start slapping and pulling each other’s hair. (Christian News Wire)
• The terrorists have won - well, according to Saxby Chambliss, because The Kenyan Usurper wants to close Gitmo:
  

  “I have been one to advocate maintaining Guantanamo Bay,” he explained. “My reason is pretty simple. If we were to capture some of the Benghazi terrorists, who we know today are running free, what are we going to do with them? We have no place to take them. Are we going to bring them into an Article 3 [civilian] court? Are we going to trust the Libyans to prosecute them? What is going to happen to em?”

  Benghazi! Benghazi! BENGHAZI! (Raw Story)

News you can use all day

• SC, seething hotbed of unbridled lust racism, cont. - SC Governor Nikki Haley has appointed a White Supremacist to her re-election campaign steering committee. (Raw Story)
• Death from the sky! - The Kenyan Usurper will announce details and limits on the not-so-secret Drone Program, which coincidentally living-dead US Attorney General Eric Holder admitted has killed targeted Americans. (TPM Livewire)
• Equality! - Gay people in Canada can donate blood again (following a generation of AIDS hysteria)… as long as they have not had any same-sex nookie in 5 years. Sorry Catholic priests. (And yes, gay people in the US still cannot donate blood.) (Winnipeg Free Press)

I keep coming back. It might be 90° out and 87% humidity and I keep coming back.

I must like the place.

Chicago is one of the great cities of the world, it is a muscular place, from the loud L trains, to the sturdy people (the women have real curves and none of that boney thigh-gap nonsense, and the men are built like football players–at every stage of their lives), nothing about Chicago is subtle, quiet, or delicate. It is an up-and-at-ya kinda town. And yet… it is a small town, too. The city runs on personality, mostly from Da Mayor, but each of the neighborhoods seem to be very individualistic; you can picture what they would be like if they had local city councils.

Some quick recommendations:

Go to Wicker Park for the Bongo Room for breakfast (red velvet pancakes, but bring someone to share them) and watch the mid-western hipster, artsy crowd. Stay for a dinner of small plates at The Blue Bird (pro tip: $1 oysters at happy hour and the most amazing beer list I’ve seen just about anywhere). The flatbread with fava beans and arugula was essentially a spring-time pizza that will redefine pizza for you.

I always think that Wicker Park wins my heart for being a real, vibrant community. When you get off the L, there is almost always someone petitioning for a good cause. It will be a long time before it becomes gentrified, too.

Logan Square: This was a new neighborhood for me, off the beaten path, and I’m glad I found it. I had gotten a tip from a boozey newsletter I enjoy that something really unusual was happening in Logan Square, so I thought it would be good to check it out. And I’m glad I did.

Of the two best new places I enjoyed were both in Logan Square. Go to Scofflaw for drinks. Yeah, it’s another hipster hot-spot, but the bartenders are completely professional and no one suggests a PBR. They had an amazing collection of gins, including a house-label gin that they have distilled especially for themselves. Gin, Genever, Old Tom, London Dry, they have all the different styles and they have multiple offerings in each style. I was counting well into 20+ separate offerings when I gave up. The bartender told me that so many bars have specialized in whisk(e)y that they thought they should specialize in gin. I enjoyed a Ford (Scofflaws Old Tom Gin, Dolon Dry Vermouth, Benedictine, Orange Bitters) and challenged them to make a Monkey’s Gland (the British version — look it up), which they did without blinking. They also have Malort on tap, which is a very bitter amaro strongly flavored of grapefruit peels and pith (but technically wormwood, like Absinth without any manners). Not for everyone, but it will get your bar tending imagination moving. I will look for it when I return home.

When you are done at Scofflaw, pour yourselves down the block to Table, Donkey, and Stick. This could be the Chez Panisse of the Midwest, it is that good, though not pretentious or stylized. It is another small plates place, so enjoy the Wanderteller (house-cured meats in a Swiss tradition). Order the trout. Just do it. It may be the best I’ve had anywhere, flavored with ground ivy, of all things. It was moist and fully flavored, and it was perfectly deboned. Logan Square is a place to watch.

I returned to the Purple Pig, though I had some reservations about it. This is the place long-time readers may recall that SoyBlo (or a SoyBlo look-a-like) sat at the next table with her brother (or a SoyBlo brother look-a-like). Anyway, it was crazy busy, very popular, and they do not take reservations. When the doors open at 5, it is not unusual to be told that there is already a 3.5 hour wait for a table (so there must be something like reservations or maybe it is just a Chicago Insider Clout kinda thing), which I think is abusive. Anyway, get your name on the list and go shopping or sight-seeing and come back for a latish supper. The food is still excellent, the service is attentive, and yet… I don’t think I will go again. It is too much of a scene.

Quartino was worthy of a second visit and has only improved with time. Everything is executed perfectly, the service is professional without being obsequious. The house-cured meats are exceptional, and the pasta was perfect. It’s not a knock-you-over-the-head kind of place, but you will walk away happy every time. It is old-school Italian without being heavy. I don’t know how they do it.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)

News straight-up

Noted conspiracy theorist radio host Alex Jones suggests that The Kenyan Usurper has weaponized the weather. Weaponized weather?

Virginia has taken a pole position in the Xrazee State Contest with the nomination of an all-theocrat ticket from the GOP. So the Happy Hour News Brief today is a deeper dive into E.W. Jackson’s record, such as it is.

• History! - Virginia GOP Lt. Governor nominee and notably nutty theocrat E.W. Jackson takes a stern look at history and discovers that the infamous, notorious, and shameful 3/5 of a person clause was actually an anti-slavery amendment:
  

  “Rev. [Charles Wallace] Smith must not have understood the 3/5th clause was an anti-slavery amendment. Its purpose was to limit the voting power of slave holding states.”

  (TPM)

• Bless the beasts and the Children - Virginia GOP Lt. Governor nominee E.W. Jackson warns us that Adam and Steve will soon become Adam and a bull:

  You know, because the GOP always projects their true desires.

• Endorsements! - Virginia GOP Lt. Governor nominee E.W. Jackson received an endorsement from fellow Xristian Xrazie and dangerous theocrat Ken Cuccinelli, who has secured a place on the GOP ticket to be governor of Virginia:
  

  “I don’t need to know what the subject matter that’s going to tie up 20-20 that the [Lt. Governor] can vote on will be. I’m confident that we’re going to get the right vote every single time out of E.W. Jackson,” Cuccinelli said of the Chesapeake-based minister. “So I’m glad he’s on this ticket, too.”

  Previously, Cuccinelli said, “We are not defending any of our running mates’ statements now or in the future. The people of Virginia need to get comfortable with each candidate individually.”

  (Hampton Roads)

I’m sure this is close to exactly what cats are thinking.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Fran)

Tornado survivor finds dog during interview

Nearly made me cry, it did.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Ritz)

News you can use all day

Climate-change denier and known airport abuser Senator Inhofe says that Sandy was totally different from the OK tornadoes, which is why OK needs buckets of cash.

• It blows - National Weather Service: “A rating of EF-5 has been given to the tornado that affected the Newcastle, south OKC, and Moore areas in McClain and Cleveland Counties.
  The tornado had.a path length of approximately 17 miles and was on the ground for approximately 40 minutes from 2:56 PM – 3.26 PM CDT.
  The preliminary maximum path width is 1.3 miles.
• Thanking the Lord - Last-place anchor of last-place news network Wolf Blitzer encourages an aetheist to thank the Lord for her safety following the tornado:

• Theocracy in Vagina, er Virginia - VA state Sen. Mark Obenshain (R – Cervix) (the VA GOP candidate for Attorney General) proposed legislation that would require women to report their miscarriages to the police within 24 hours or risk going to jail for a full year. His spokesperson tries to walk it back, and that’s pretty hilarious. (Think Progress)

Manzarek held down melody and bass on the keys in band with no bass guitar. I have an odd affinity for the Doors. The Doors were one of my father’s favorite rock bands, as they were for a lot of servicemen during the Vietnam era. I’m curious to get the old man’s take this weekend. While Manzarek had a long career, I think it’s nearly impossible to separate his later work from the Doors. Pretty amazing considering the Doors as a band lasted for about 6 years, yet left a heck of a legacy.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)

That’s me in the Chicago humidity.

News you can use all day

David Gregory mainstreams conspiracy theory that The Kenyan personally directed the IRS to focus on the Teabaggers

• And worse than 1,000 Hitlers - The Virginia GOP nominee for Attorney General Xristian Xrazie minister and theocrat E.W. Jackson declared Planned Parenthood “far more lethal to black lives than the KKK ever was.” (TPM)
• Fall in love, go to jail - Florida is in the running for the Crazee State of the Year contest as they arrested a High School senior for having a same-sex relationship with a younger classmate. The charge: felony child abuse. (Think Progress)
• Guns! - What could go wrong when you leave your two-year old in a room with a gun? Well, in North Carolina one father found out as his kid put the gun in his mouth and fired. The kid is still alive (a miracle)! and being the south they are not sure what to charge the parent for doing. (Raw Story)

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)

“[The Kenyan Usurper] sees the world and Israel from a Muslim perspective.”

–Rev. E.W. Jackson, Virginia’s GOP nominee for lieutenant governor, in his acceptance speech.

Virginia is cutting to the chase and nominating preachers now in their quest to form a theocracy.

Well, the greens fee is probably reasonable.

(Hat tip: Axel Grease)

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)

(Image: Axel Grease)

We are in the midst of the worst Washington scandal since Watergate.

Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad, or in Noonan’s case, wee tipsy or just forgetful that during the month of May, in 1987, the Iran-Contra Hearings began, you know, when Ronald Wilson Reagan (“the greatest president of the last half of the last century, maybe ever”) broke the law and sold weapons to our enemies the Iranians and then gave the proceeds to right-wing death squads, the Nicaraguan Contras.

I love it when Serendipity bitch-slaps Reagan-era leftovers on the gin-blossomed snout.

UPDATE: Dame Peggington Noonington of the Brooklynshire Nooningtons will appear on Dancin’ with the Gregory on Sunday, where she will expand upon her theme and no one will challenge her. Two pickled onions and a twist.

Just sayin’ that there are some real scandals that never got the attention of the GOP.

…the awesome juggernaut that is Blackberry, having sold 7M phones Windows Phone 8 is in third place world wide with a market share of 3%. And this tool says that Apple’s iPhone is next to be eaten alive by MS’s phone.

Is this a real problem? Or would she have been better off sleeping without the bustier?

(Hat tip: unindicted, co-conspirator Axel Grease)

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)

Drink-up, Bitchez!

World-famous baby mill operator One-L is already running for re-election, a full 17-months ahead of schedule.

• Umbrellagate - Sweet Baby Jeebus with a yellow slicker, that the hell has gotten into the GOP’s panties today? Umbrellas. Anyway, Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin is trying to be relevant again, and tweeted: “Mr. President, when it rains it pours, but most Americans hold their own umbrellas.” Whoopsie! Mooselini seems to protest too much:

  

  (WaPo)

• Dangerous conspiracy theorist Pete Santilli wants to personally execute Hillary Clinton by shooting her in the vagina. (Fair warning: Santilli uses very graphic extermination language and snuff-porn style imagery Right Wing Watch)
• Retractions – After Crazy Unkka Pat does it again (forgives adultery from men, because boys will be boys), the Christian Broadcasting Network issued the following clarification:
  

  “As a first step in the process, Dr. Robertson stated that she should stop dwelling on the cheating. Next, he recommended that she remind herself of all the reasons she fell in love with him in the first place so that she might try to fall back in love with him all over again.”

  “Lastly, his point was that everyone is human and there is much temptation outside of the home, so she should do whatever she can to strengthen their home and relationship. His intent was not to condone infidelity or to cast blame. We regret any misunderstanding.”

  We regret any misunderstanding. Gotta remember that one. (ABC News)

…and it is a pee-hag:

As I approached the line to the restroom, I took a deep sigh, thinking that I might find some respite from the hundreds of cameras strapped to people’s heads at the conference.

Yet when it was finally my turn to approach the rows of white urinals, my world came screeching to a halt. There they were, a handful of people wearing Google Glass, now standing next to me at their own urinals, peering their head from side to side, blinking or winking, as they relieved themselves.

(NYTimes article on Google Glasses)

“You’re casting aspersions on my asparagus.”

–Screwy, Louis Gohmert, pride of Texas

News you can use all day

Talking termite-infested pole Major Garrett destroys GOP benghazi Benghazi BENGHAZI talking point.

• Notably nutty theocrat and Xristian Xrazie Rep. Kevin Cramer (R-ND) says that Roe V. Wade is responsible for all the recent gun violence:
  

  “Forty years ago, the United States Supreme Court sanctioned abortion on demand. And we wonder why our culture sees school shootings so often.”

  He has many other theories, too. It is so worth a click. (Raw Story)

• Godwin’s Law - Famous conspiracy theorist Tom Zawistowski compared the Kenyan’s administration’s ongoing IRS scandal to Nazi Germany on Fox News:
  
• One more nut and it is a candy bar - Karen Handel (the Xristian Xrazie who pretty much single-handedly destroyed the pink-washing Susan G. Komen for the Cure) joins a GOP primary field for US Senate from Georgia that already includes Reps. Jack Kingston (R-GA), Paul Broun (R-GA) and Phil Gingrey (R-GA).

Cocktails last night at the Hancock Tower’s 96th floor were worthy of the view.

The view from my hotel room ain’t bad either.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Bruce388)