Mock, Paper, Scissors

Metro UK

The world of Mexican midget wrestling is in mourning after two of its most famous stars were apparently poisoned by fake prostitutes.

(Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

…the Carebear is trying to figure out where his birth certificate is.

It was supposed to be a treatise on his conservative bonifides, but now his book is cancelled. Dang. I was looking forward to his chapter on heavy equipment and wood in the morning, or the epic story of his castanets-playing temptress eating her salad under the palm tree, or something.

Hopefully, Sanford will soldier on and he can tell his story of a middle-aged conservative with a bad haircut, international intrigue, and the Firecracker that destroyed his career!

Maybe a pop-up book!

Some of you may recall the online Playboy Hate F*** article from a month or so ago that ultimately lead to the firing of one of AOL’s Politics Daily liberal writers, Tommy Christopher, in some sort of bizarre cover-up or revenge firing.

Well, another writer, a Politics Daily’s conservative writer Media Lizzy, who also had nothing to do with the Playboy rape fantasy piece, has now been fired, and it appears it is because she reported on how the editor fired Tommy and then covered it up. So the same editor, Melinda Henneberger, now has another notch on her belt.

More proof, as if we need it, that it is never about the original crime (the rape fantasy piece in Playboy’s online property), is is always about the cover-up.

Details at The Daily Dose.

And the papers wonder why the readers are leaving in droves?

Politico reports that after offering access to the paper’s own editorial and reporting staff, for a nominal fee of upwards of $250,000 — you know, to shape the debate on healthcare — that the WaPo is now backing away from the offer. It seems it was too much of a conflict of interest, even for the Washington Post, so it will continue it’s Bataan Death March to irrelevance and obscurity.

Washington Post publisher Katharine Weymouth said today she was cancelling plans for an exclusive “salon” at her home where for as much as $250,000, the Post offered lobbyists and association executives off-the-record access to “those powerful few” — Obama administration officials, members of Congress, and even the paper’s own reporters and editors.

Expect those spring chickens of journalism, David Broder, George Will, and Robert Cohen to soon write epic columns about how no one should trust bloggers over real newsmen. Especially bloggers at Politico.

Why are economists still working? They predicted a much, much lower unemployment number for June, and yet…

The American economy lost 467,000 jobs in June and the unemployment rate edged up to 9.5 percent in a sobering indication that the most painful downturn since the Great Depression has yet to release its hold.

The numbers are indicative of a continued, very severe recession. There’s nothing in here to show that the economy and the market are pulling out of the grip of recession.

– Stuart G. Hoffman, chief economist at PNC Financial Services Group in Pittsburgh

Given all that, and the people who have given up, it is very likely that we are already in double-digits, and when you add the marginally employed, we are clearly nearing 20%

Career Counselors will say that this is the perfect time for some training…

Hundreds of thousands of students are likely to be turned away from low-cost community colleges across the country over the next year because of funding cuts at the very time that record numbers of students are flocking to the open-admission schools, according to education officials.

Oh, well, back to sittin’ on the stoop.

People, give it a rest! Is this news? Really?

…but not Senator Graham. He draws the line on gentlemen callers with antennae.

I think that Beck and Bachmann-the-Nut need to have another play date. He’s ready for her now.

• Pets:An 8-foot pet Burmese python broke out of a terrarium and strangled a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom Wednesday at a central Florida home, authorities said. (Burmese pythons are not native to Florida — hence the name Burmese — but they easily survive in the state and can reach a length of 26 feet and weigh more than 200 pounds.)
• Weddings: A newly-wed East Yorkshire couple opened their wedding presents - to find they had been given 24 toasters. (They need better friends.)
• Copyright news: Gossip columnist Roger Friedman wants more than $5 million in lost wages and damages from Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. for firing him after he reviewed the company’s “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” based on a pirated copy of the movie. (You know those FBI Warnings at the beginning of DVDs? They even apply to GOPers! He didn’t know, it was an honest mistake…)

ADELPHI, Md. (AP) — Government experts say prescription drugs like Vicodin and Percocet that combine a popular painkiller with stronger narcotics should be eliminated because of their role in deadly overdoses.

A Food and Drug Administration panel voted 20-17 that prescription drugs that combine acetaminophen with other painkilling ingredients should be pulled off the market.

“Y’all should leave pill poppin’ t’ th’ experts,” Pickles did not say.

“Ya,” slurred C-Word. “Leave’m t’ me! Oooh, pretty!”

I thought I was kidding when I said that gay marriage was the cause of the Sanfords’ marital problems.  Honestly, how can the marriage of two people you’ve never met affect your own?  But Jenny Sanford took me seriously!  Major league OY!

South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford Blames Gay Marriage for Her Failed Marriage

from From the Left by Christopher di Spirito
Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Jilted South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford blamed gay marriage for the reason her marriage to South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford failed.

Said First Lady Jenny Sanford:

“Of course I’m not saying that Mark is gay. But he may as well be.  The moral decay in this country has claimed another victim and this time it was my family.  Our marriage was perfect until these laws started passing around the country. Clearly the slow dissolution of the sanctity of marriage in America seeped into Mark’s psyche until he no longer felt compelled to abide by our vows.”

A social conservative in the Phyllis Schlafly mold, the South Carolina First Lady is vehemently antigay gay marriage and even oppose the separate but equal, civil unions.

I hate to break it to you Jenny but gay marriage isn’t the reason your marriage failed. The reason your husband cheated is he’s a scalawag and he’s unhappy at home. You might want to look in the mirror before deflecting responsibility to the gay community.

And to think, I actually once felt sorry for homophobic southern belle. No more.

(UPDATE: The source for this post is a parody site… Sorry, everyone. Jenny Sanford did not say these things. She remains fairly silent on the shennanigans of her husband. Rgds, T.G.)

Celebrity carnage week, cont.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for Karl Malden.

LA Times

Malden was a truly great actor. I cannot think of a single role where he was not authentic - he owned every role he ever touched, even his American Express commercials felt real. He was 97, so I think it is safe to say he had a great life and a lot of curtain calls. Bravo, Mr. Malden. Encore!

…that New Jersey had an earthquake! “Pardon me,” the Diety said, unconvincingly, “I had a burrito for lunch. No, really.”

Asked if he has plans to run for public office, [Joe-the-Plumber] replied, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.’”

He continued, “I believe he’s gotten me on this grassroots movement. If I can encourage leaders to step up, that’s what I would like to do. That’s a heavy role. That’s something I don’t know if I am prepared to do yet.”

But Wurzelbacher said he will keep that door open if God ever calls him to be that leader.

“I just know whenever I fall off his path, things get really hard,” he said. “So I just stick with what God tells me to do.”

“You know,” said the Diety, “I have a good sense of humor. Virgin birth - solid gold yucks. Platypus, I oughtta get a reward for that one. But nothing I ever came up with is as funny as me talking to that putz.”

Well, that is flying the friendly skies.

“Oh Ruthie, Ruthie, just like that,” murmured Richard Cohen as he dribbled his few drops into the Kleenex.

He’s already reincarnated as a crotch grabbing kid.

(Via Buzzfeed)

Mooselini gives a long winded and inane interview to Runner Magazine, which sort of counter-balances the long (War and Palin sized!) article in Vanity Fair. In the Runner piece we learn about such things as the Mooselini pre-natal care tips, what’s on her iPod (hint: that swine, Randal Graves will weep), and why she hates moose. Oh, and she also gives a modified beaver shot for all the mouth-breathers. Hubba-Hubba!

But besides revealing her most embarrassing moment from the campaign and the lengths to which the Secret Service go keeps their promises, we get this interesting little story about how her strung-out, drug dealing son, Track (the one sent to Iraq to get cleaned up near the opium trade), used to leave water bottles on her route. I suspect he was running his delivery service, too.

But the most precious experience I’ve had running was a few summers ago when I was training for a marathon and my son Track—and I named him Track for running—would drive out in front of me and plant water bottles along the route. I felt so spoiled, like the queen of the running world to have a kid who was all cool with his pickup truck, dropping off water for me on my long runs. And he’d put a note on the bottles, saying, “Love you, Mom” and “Run hard, Mom.” It was just the most precious summer of my life to have that and then to cap it off with an all-time marathon best [3:59:36]. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the whole world.

Old Jews Telling Jokes

…he’s storing his nuts for winter.

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, who is not gay, gets felt-up by some troll while wearing a gown.

It just gets better and better. For no apparent reason, the young, dashing, handsome, and confirmed bachelor Lt. Governor of South Carolina, Andre Bauer, included in his press conference denials of being gay. So there.

Except no one seems to be asking that. Perhaps the young, dashing, handsome and confirmed bachelor Lt. Governor of South Carolina is confusing himself with his Senator, Miss Lindsey Graham?

During an interview Monday, Bauer, who is a bachelor, voluntarily brought up the subject of his sexual orientation, which he said has been the subject of rumors.

Asked, then, if he’s homosexual, Bauer said: “One word, two letters. ‘No.’ Let’s go ahead and dispel that now.

“Is Andre Bauer gay? That is now the story,” he said. “We’re a long way from where we were a week ago.

“We have diverted what the real topic should be here: Is the governor capable for carrying on the duties for which he was elected?”

Notorious sex-lizard with bad hair, SC Governor Mark Sanford (R - Hubba-Hubba) (in his own words) “crossed lines with other women,” although Chapur was the only one he had sex with. And suddenly, we are back in the Bill Clinton era, parsing what “sex” is. I’m more curious about crossing the lines. I remember something about “bases” when I was a young’un (baseball metaphor, if memory serves me correctly), so this crossing the line must be related to another sport.

Good thing that the Attorney General of South Carolina is on the case!

The attorney general of South Carolina on Tuesday asked the state law enforcement division to review Gov. Mark Sanford’s travel records after the governor admitted to more visits with his mistress than previously disclosed.

Gov. Mark Sanford has said it’s better for him to keep his governorship to “learn lessons.”

“In light of the governor’s disclosure of additional travel today, I have requested that SLED conduct a preliminary review of all Governor Sanford’s travel records to determine if any laws have been broken or any state funds misused,” Attorney General Henry McMaster said in a statement.

You realize, of course, that this means that there will be yet another cringe-worthy press conference for him to tearfully define “crossing the line,” which I am assuming involves levers and gears, and maybe an elephant or two — or am I thinking of “Crossing the Tiber?” Well, at anyrate, before the summer is out we will be well versed in Argentine foreplay and Xristian sincere apologies as Sanford confesses he’s banged every woman he’s ever met, and a few men, too.

I think we can all agree that losing a pet is a terrible thing, and of course, the longer you have it, the more tightly you bond. Some people are dog people, others are cat people. And Jonah Goldberg was a snail man.

Shows you how you can misread someone. I would have bet my bottom dollar he was a slug man, but there you have it.

Republican Norm Coleman conceded to Democrat Al Franken in Minnesota’s contested Senate race on Tuesday, ending a nearly eight-month recount and court fight over an election decided by only a few hundred votes.

…and let’s start the countdown clock for when Michael Steele is ousted and Norm Coleman gets his good trooper reward. You know it’s coming, right?

The Minnesota Supreme Court on Tuesday ordered that Democrat Al Franken be certified as the winner of the state’s long-running Senate race. The high court rejected a legal challenge from Republican Norm Coleman, whose options for regaining the Senate seat are dwindling.

Look for an appeal in Federal Court. Look for John Cornyn to do anything corrupt that he can (and being a GOP from Texas, I’m sure he has a few tricks up his sleeves — and I mean that in the nicest way) — to keep from seating Franklin.

If you need more proof that your job is gone and may never come back, the Wall Street Journal gives us this little ray of golden sunshine:

“If they’re employed in today’s economy, they have to be first string,” says Ryan Ross, a partner with Kaye/Bassman International Corp., an executive recruiting firm in Dallas. Mr. Ross says more clients recently have indicated that they would prefer to fill positions with “passive candidates” who are working and not actively seeking a job.

The bias extends from front-line workers to senior managers. Charlie Wilgus, managing partner of executive search for Lucas Group, based in Atlanta, says a manufacturing client looking for a division president recently refused to consider a former divisional president at Newell Rubbermaid Inc. whose department had been eliminated. The client doesn’t want candidates who have been laid off, Mr. Wilgus says.

(Hat tip: ConneticutMan 1)

…we can add Fox News reporter to the joke.

Fox News reporter Craig Boswell was injured in a hit and run late Monday night outside the Jackson family compound in Encino, California.

The accident, which occurred around 10PM local time, occurred approximately 100 yards south of the Jackson family home, MyFoxLA reports.

Boswell was struck in the foot by a woman speeding through the neighborhood in a gold Toyota Corolla, the report said.

Oh, the punchline is that the difference is that the skid marks indicate that who ever ran over the lawyer backed up and ran over him again and again and again…

(Hat tip: Scissorhead EZ-Mark)

The Huffington Post is reporting that our favorite GOP hypocrite of the moment, Governor Mark “You Can Kiss Me South of the Border” Sanford, the long-AWOL on the taxpayer’s dime Lothario and good Xristian, was lying about the number of trysts he committed with his fancy Argentine lady.

Sanford also admitted he saw Chapur more times than previously disclosed, including what was to be a farewell meeting in New York chaperoned by a spiritual adviser soon after his wife found out about the affair.

I did not know that my wingman could count as a spiritual advisor. Duly noted.

He described five meetings with Chapur over the past year, including two romantic, multi-night stays with her in New York before they met there again intending to break up.

Hmmmm, so he didn’t always fly half way around the world to wet his winky?

His interview was the first disclosure of any liaisons with Chapur in the United States and contradicted a public confession last week during which he admitted to a total of five encounters over their eight-year relationship.

Ooooh, lying again!

At that point I was very careful, everything was paid for in cash,” Sanford said. “And you won’t find a credit card record.

– Governor Sanford

So why should we believe you now, false Xristian?