Jeebus! Some people…Anyway, as if you could make the Sunday Talkies any worse, This Week with a Greek Dwarf is going to feature a segment with orange-hued incompetent Weepy McDrunky and staff-banging serial adulterer Newticles.
Compare and contrast obstructionism and graft? What do you suppose that they will talk about?
“Introducing Mr. Spectacular, Rick Santorum!” Wait… What?
Numbers - Guess what, fellow hobos? Maybe the flirtation that we did with electing GOPers is over? Americans want a Dim Congress over a GOP one by 47-41. Weepy can become the lobbyist he’s always wanted to be, fat, orange, and drunk. Oh, wait. (Fair Warning! It’s a PDF: MSNBC)
The kids are gonna be OK - The incoming freshman of 2011 are trending liberal with 71% in favor of marriage equality, and 61% are pro-choice. The GOP has already lost, they are just thrashing around like dinosaurs in tar. (Bloomberg)
Hits - Hey guys, remember that time when President Carebear tried to seduce to us, crooning in our ears Let’s Stay Together? Me Neither!, but it rocked Al Green’s classic make-out song to the top of the download charts with a 490% gain as 16,000 copies were downloaded. (Billboard)
Dick Tufeld, a longtime radio and TV announcer who intoned “Danger, Will Robinson!” as the voice of the Robot in the 1960s science-fiction TV series “Lost in Space,” has died. He was 85.
B9 was the name of the Robot, though I don’t think that they ever called him that.
Endorsements - Hey guys, remember that time when dancing felon Tom Delay destroyed Newticles’ chances of winning the felon vote? Me Neither!, but anyway all is not lost! Our favorite (GOP) staff-banging serial adulterer is winning 80% of the felons in Duke Cunningham’s cell block! (Voice of San Diego)
Secret plan revealed! - That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum–who earned a B.A. with honors in political science from Pennsylvania State University in 1980, an M.B.A. from the University of Pittsburgh in 1981, and a J.D. with honors from the Dickinson School of Law in 1986–says that the reason that the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby Barack Obama wants to send kids to college is to indoctrinate them into being liberals. Worked for Frothy. (The Hill)
Race relations - Bob’s Big Boy doppleganger and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie thinks that having citizens vote for their civil rights (or against them) is a dandy idea: “I think people would have been happy to have a referendum on civil rights rather than fighting and dying in the streets in the South,” and that’s why he wants to have New Jersey vote to prevent gays and lesbians from getting married, you know, to make it fair. (TPM)
Pot calls kettle black - Notable dancing felon and former House Majority Leader Tom Delay says that staff-banging serial adulterer Newt Gingrich was erratic and unprincipled. (Think Progress)
The yellow is not all that rose in Texas - According to a new poll, nearly half of respondents believe that theocrat secessionist and all-around dum-dum Rick Perry’s five-month campaign hurt the state’s image. The other half are Texans. (McClatchy)
Congratulations - The architect of NY’s Marriage Equality legislation is getting married to his partner this weekend following a 31-year engagement. (Joe.My.God)
Republicans saying anything intelligent or compassionate is about as common as the Pope wearing a condom. However these past few days, the GOP and the Teabaggers have gone out of their way to show their idiocy, nastiness and disdain of anything humane can always reach a new low.
Rep. Darrell Issa of California was outraged that Obama stated in his SOTU that companies should have to inform the public what chemicals they are dumping into the ground.
Sen. Mike Lee of Utah protested this point from the SOTU – Obama suggesting we not let kids drop out of school until they’re 18. ”That’s none of his business!…These are matters for state and local government.”
Presidential candidate and 15%-tax payer Mitt Romney: “Well, the banks aren’t bad people. They’re just overwhelmed right now.”
State Sen. Ralph Shortey of Oklahoma introduced a bill in the state legislature “prohibiting the sale or manufacture of food or products which contain aborted human fetuses” even though he is not aware of this occurring in Oklahoma or anywhere. Shortey cited research he did on the internet.
Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich stated that US would have a base on the moon by the end of this second term.
Mayor Joseph Maturo of East Haven, CT said he “might have tacos when I go home” when asked by WPIX reporter Mario Diaz what he would do for the Latino community.
Rep. Jeff Fortenberry introduced the Respect for Rights of Conscience Act to ensure that all providers can back out of contraception coverage if they claim religious objection. Fortenberry claimed that birth control “is unrelated to the basic needs of health care” and Obama was bailing out Planned Parenthood
Romney (again): “I released two years of taxes and I think the average is almost 15 percent. And then also, on top of that, I gave another more 15 percent to charity. When you add it together with all of the taxes and the charity, particularly in the last year, I think it reaches almost 40 percent that I gave back to the community.” Romney (who thinks corporations are people, and people like him are corporations) justifies that his rate on the fact that capital gains are taxed twice, first on the corporate level and then when distributed. Romney also wants you to think his donations to the church are actually a tax
Presidential candidate and complete douchebag Rick Santorum claimed that the president’s decision to de-emphasize abstinence programs suggests that Obama wants “people to be in poverty.”
Gingrich (again) claimed his multiple affairs “make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect” because he can understand “the human condition and challenges of life for normal people.”
Colorado Republicans are preparing to expand gun rights, bringing back legislation that would allow concealed weapons in schools (including elementary) and let businesses use deadly force against intruders.
Santorum (again) explained that sexual assault (rape) victims should “accept this horribly created” pregnancy because it is “nevertheless a gift in a very broken way” and that, when it comes down to it, a victim just has “to make the best of a bad situation“
Hal Rounds of the Tennessee Teabaggers stated that the group wants to introduce a proposal to remove references to minorities in American history textbooks, along with any negative portrayals of the wealthy white men who led the nation in the early years. He further added that the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.
Staff-banging serial adulterer Newt Gingrich is the common man. Newticles claims that his numerous staff-banging escapades makes him the more normal candidate than the other jackals in the 2012 Goat Rodeo. (Raw Story)
Noot claims that by the end of his presidency that he will have a permanent moon base. (TPM)
The man who spends more time thinking about gay sex than anyone else alive, Bryan Fischer, is thinking about gay sex again. Fischer tells us about his plan to lock up gays for having gay sex. I bet he twitches a lot. (American Family Association)
Notable theocrat and successful baby mill operator, the girl with the far-away eyes Michele Bachmann sort of announced that she is running for re-election to congress. And then in the style that only 1-L can do, she retracts it!
“I, very — yes, I believe I’ll be looking at that, very seriously looking at coming back for a fourth term.”
A bill introduced in the Oklahoma Legislature: “No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.”
“I don’t know if it is happening in Oklahoma, it may be, it may not be. What I am saying is that if it does happen then we are not going to allow it to manufacture here.”
–State Sen. Ralph Shortey, a Republican from Oklahoma City
I’m only guessing of course, but I think this gets filed under Stirring up the Mouth-breathing Paste-eating Xristian Xrazies. It must be Shortey’s re-election gambit, and I’m shocked that The Girl With The Far-Away Eyes One-L has not thought of this.
Anyway, it’s been a while since we had a Pop Quiz, so here we go: For 1 point counting towards your final exam tell a Dead Baby Joke in the comments.
“As horrible as the way that that son or daughter and son was created [rape -TG], it still is her child. And whether she has that child or doesn’t, it will always be her child. And she will always know that.
–Frothy Santorum
I don’t know how I missed this one. So, according to Frothy, when God gives you rape, make lemonade?
Rebuttals - Hey guys, did you know that the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby Barack Obama gave the State of the Union Address last night? Me Neither!, but anyway it seems that very serious person Mitch Daniels did and he gave a rebuttal. And notable economist and bearded person Paul Krugman is now rebutting the rebuttal. (Krugman)
The long and shorting of it - It’s hard to believe (no, actually it isn’t), but Willard and his number 1 wife own or owned millions of dollars worth of a Goldman Sachs investment fund invested heavily in mortgage-backed obligations. And the current owners of those mortgage debts began foreclosure proceedings against thousands of Floridians. Whoopsie! (Think Progress)
All the news that fits - The local newspaper in Arkansas will not publish engagement of marriage announcements of same-sex couples. Not until marriage equality is legal in that state, anyway. (Yahoo Voices)
C*** rag says Chris Christie’s panties are in a wad. (Politico)
The Creature endorses Newticles - Sweet Baby Jeebus! Fred Thompson is still alive? Who knew? (The Weekly Standard)
Hubba-hubba! - Staff-banging serial adulterer Newticles led a protest against censorship of pornography. (Ironically, I find this consistent with Noot.) (TPM)
The mouth-breathing paste-eaters had another debate last night that mostly consisted of two grown men saying that each other’s mothers are so fat that… I live tweeted some of it until Newticles and Willard agreed on a preemptive military strike on Cuba.
Magic panties enthusiast Willard Romney released his taxes last night: his effective tax rate is 13.9% and he made $42M+ over the last two years. Oh, yeah: he created zero jobs. (Think Progress)
Romney advisers stressed that the holdings in the Caymans — along with those in a Swiss bank account that was closed in 2010 after an investment adviser decided it could be politically embarrassing to Romney — were reported on tax returns and were not vehicles to avoid taxes. Uh-huh. So when Willard ran in 2008, they thought it was no big deal? (NYTimes)
“Sometimes if your candidate loses in just one step along this path, as was the case when Romney lost to Newt the other night and of course, Romney is Chris Christie’s guy, you kind of get your panties in a wad and you may say things that you regret later,” she continued.
Sarah later showed the Fox audience a pair of the Governor’s panties (Huffington Post)
A rebus uses pictures to represent someone or something
Hired! - Meet Rev. O’Neal Dozier. He is the honorary Florida Campaign Manager for notable homophobic theocrat and human skid-mark Rick Santorum who declares that “[Gays] make God want to vomit.” No wonder Frothy wanted to scoop him up! (Mother Jones)
The Right to Life Ends at Birth - The Xristian Xrazies are announcing today on the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade the First State Initiative, in which they state that there are 6 states that only have one abortion clinic and they are determined to have a first abortion-free state by the 40th anniversary. (Christian News Wire)
Tweet, twit, twat – The twitter account of Iowa’s own royalty, the Korn King Chuck “I am not a NAIL” Grassley was hacked! And the anonymous hacker tweeted in full sentences and used correct grammar, so everyone knew it was not Chuck! (And it was not me, clearly…) (Raw Story)
Holy crap on mom’s shoes, Batman! There’s another 2012 Goat Rodeo debate tonight. What the heck do these mouth-breathing paste eaters not know about these wing-dings yet?
Staff-banging serial adulterer Newt Gingrich received some complimentary words from an unlikely source:
“NOM congratulates Newt Gingrich on his impressive come-from-behind victory in South Carolina… It is now clear that the Republican Party will nominate a candidate who is strongly committed to preserving marriage as the union of one man and one woman.”
–Brian Brown, the president of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) today congratulated GOP presidential contender Newt Gingrich on his victory in the South Carolina primary.
Numbers - Two-thirds of our fellow hobos say that it is much harder now to rise to the top than previously. The remaining 1/3 are the Romney Family. (The Hill)
CSI-Madison - Even more of the former staffers from wall-eye git Scott Walker county days are arrested or waiting charges. (Think Progress)
Two heads are not better than one - the co-CEOs of troubled somewhat-smart phone maker RIM are leaving to spend more time with their families. Or something. (Raw Story):
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