Anatomy of a Column
eggy Noonan was preparing to step up to the mike at the Karaoke stage of her new favorite watering hole, The Chelsea Pier, where she had once met a six-foot tall Nancy Reagan impersonator (“complete with a 5 o’clock shadow, just like the real one” she snickered).
Noonan’s hands automatically fluttered up to her ever-present pearl necklace, a gift from the great man himself, certainly the greatest president of the last half of the last century, perhaps the greatest president ever.
It had been a great week for the current occupant of Ronnie’s office, Noonan scowled. “But a great week does not a great president make,” she muttered to one of the other performers. “ObamaCare, including the insurance mandate, was upheld. What would have been a political disaster for President Obama has been averted.” She sipped thoughtfully on her Mai Tai, so refreshing, so sweet.
“He has not been humiliated, and the centerpiece of his efforts the past 3½ years has not been rebuked by the Supreme Court,” she muttered to herself.
Noonan paused. “The ruling strikes me as very bad for the atmosphere of freedom in our country,” she hiccuped.
Noonan grabbed the man who had just concluded the Lonely Goatherd, and demanded of him, ” do you sense the freeness and lazy, sloppy liberty we’ve long maintained with some hiccups along the way?” There was an awkward pause. “Well, do you?” The lonely goatherd backed away.
“For the first time in months, the president looks like he’s on the Uppalator, not the Downalator,” she shouted at the goatherd, who was now sprinting for the door. She signaled Juan-Carlos, her favorite bar tender in her accustomed manner: by waving a Benjamin over her head. She practiced her song, just to herself, humming the melody, and soon another Mai Tai arrived.
Noonan quaffed, and sat back on her heels, and continued her thoughts. “That man, that horrid little man, so likable, so serious, sitting in Ronnie’s chair, stressed what he said were the program’s benefits.” Noonan counted them off on her fingers:
- “Those already insured will find their coverage “more secure and more affordable,”
- “Insurance companies will provide free preventive care like checkups and mammograms,”
- “Seniors” and young adults will receive benefits,”
- “Those with pre-existing conditions will no longer be denied coverage”
- “Insurance companies won’t be able to charge you more just because you’re a woman.”
“It was a targeted base-greaser,” she sneered. She knew in her heart that Ronnie, so tall, so handsome, would never do anything so calculated and base as to try to please his base. “Ronnie,” Noonan muttered, “was a real man and wouldn’t care for that kind of thing. He would not have cared about coverage or pre-existing conditions.”
The loudspeaker crackled to life. “And now, without further a-do, The Chelsea Pier wants you to give it up for Miss Peggy Noonan!”
Noonan languidly rode a crest of self-confidence as she ascended to the stage, swan-like, grace on water, in spite of her ample calves and tendency to stomp, and picked up the microphone and began her song.
Nothing more than feelings,
Trying to forget my
Feelings of love…