Mock, Paper, Scissors

Scissorheads -

My apologies: this should have run last night, and in my haste to get across the bay to a family event, I forgot to set the publishing trigger.

Anyway, as our Poet Laureate Mountjoy said:

It’s that time of year, Scissorheads; time to celebrate the festive season with gifts of bad taste. This year, I’m presenting twelve dubious pop songs that may or may not have escaped your attention for being, well, not quite what they seem on surface. So pull up a warm mug of eggnog, turn your speakers up, and bop along to a tune a day through till Christmas, quite possibly in the blissful ignorance that you are celebrating paedophilia, murder, body-fluids, masturbation and anal sex (M-M and M-F, thank you very much!). The accompanying Mountjoy haikus will give you my version of Cliff Notes as to what is really going on beneath these ditties. Have a great holiday, and all the best for 2013.

Mounty.

Regards,

The Management

All I Want To Do

A random hook-up
Results in clandestine child
She’d been there before…

…our true love Mountjoy gave to us another Haiku explaining the hidden implications of some pop culture hits:

Pink Cadillac

Bet you never knew
Bruce sang about vaginas?
or “what’s round the back”!

…our Poet Laureate gave to thee…

She Bop

Nothing hidden here!
“Better stop or you’ll go blind”?
He did understand.

…the reign of terror continues, as our Poet Laureate gives us yet another Haiku and music video from the wicked past. I had not idea that:

Into The Groove

Song about dancing?
No: girls pleasuring themselves
When they are alone

…our Poet Laureate Mountjoy gave us paedophilia? Yes, in Haiku and music, that is, Mounty explains it all:

Don’t Stand So Close To Me

Paedophilia,
As seen from a teachers eyes.
Quite creepy, really

[Mountjoy continues his reign of terror Christmas Musical special as only he can. -- Tengrain]

Not Fair

That’s right: Premature
Ejaculation debuts
In a pop song. here.

[As you may recall Mountjoy, the Poet Laureat of Mock, Paper, Scissors is giving us the gift of poetry and music this year, as only he can: a haiku on what the song is really about, followed by the music itself. --Tengrain]

Jailhouse Rock

Let’s put it this way:
If they’d called it “Jailhouse F$%k.”
No one would play it…

[Just a reminder that the MPS Poet Laureat, Mountjoy, brings us great tidings of joy. Here's a reprise of his note to us all. Regards, Tengrain]

It’s that time of year, Scissorheads; time to celebrate the festive season with gifts of bad taste. This year, I’m presenting twelve dubious pop songs that may or may not have escaped your attention for being, well, not quite what they seem on surface. So pull up a warm mug of eggnog, turn your speakers up, and bop along to a tune a day through till Christmas, quite possibly in the blissful ignorance that you are celebrating paedophilia, murder, body-fluids, masturbation and anal sex (M-M and M-F, thank you very much!). The accompanying Mountjoy haikus will give you my version of Cliff Notes as to what is really going on beneath these ditties. Have a great holiday, and all the best for 2013.

Mounty

The Way

Those cute old people
Didn’t drive to Nirvana
They got axe-murdered.

[The gift of music is what the MPS Poet Laureate Mountjoy is giving us this year. That and his haiku showing us how these songs fit the usual Mountjoy oeuvre of unabashed, hotbed of unbridled lust, as only Mounty can. -- Tengrain]

Then I Kissed The Teacher

When “Rear of The Year”
Agnetha, kissed the teacher,
We were all jealous

[As you may recall, our poet laureate Mountjoy is giving us a Holiday gift of music and Haiku poetry that explains the music. --Tengrain]

Satisfaction

Keef spilt the beans that
The girl on a “loosing streak”
Had her period

It’s that time of year, Scissorheads; time to celebrate the festive season with gifts of bad taste. This year, I’m presenting twelve dubious pop songs that may or may not have escaped your attention for being, well, not quite what they seem on surface. So pull up a warm mug of eggnog, turn your speakers up, and bop along to a tune a day through till Christmas, quite possibly in the blissful ignorance that you are celebrating paedophilia, murder, body-fluids, masturbation and anal sex (M-M and M-F, thank you very much!). The accompanying Mountjoy haikus will give you my version of Cliff Notes as to what is really going on beneath these ditties. Have a great holiday, and all the best for 2013.

Mounty.

Pictures of Lily

Should a father be
Sharing his porno mag stash
With his teenage son?

Mountjoy, the notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights and the only man that the Grinch sends Christmas Cards to, has hand-selected the perfect presents for skeevy pervs Scissorheads everywhere. Tonight’s installment concludes the series… until next year? Who can say?

Here is Mountjoy’s NSFW last selection for Day 12:

On the twelfth day of Christmas…
A sex toy for my dog

Sayeth Mounty: Nope. I got nothing. Words fail me.

Have a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy 2011, Scissorheads!

–from Mountjoy, who else?

Mother, Make it stop!

– Linda Blair, The Exorcist

Mountjoy, the notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights and the only man Clarence the Angel has ever flipped off, has hand-selected the perfect presents for exhibitionists Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, to help you keep Rudolph’s nose red.

Here is Mountjoy’s NSFW selection for Day 11:

On the eleventh day of Christmas…
A vaginal visor

So sayeth Mounty: This product was weird enough – I mean, who thinks of this stuff? Well, actually, really creepy looking people do, apparently:
(and the really weird bunch of people who invented it)

Scissorheads -

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I skipped last night’s festivities, (and trust me, I would have rather been enjoying the egg nogg here) but that just means that tonight is a double:

On the ninth day of Christmas…
A cat’s bum washcloth holder

So sayeth the Mountjoy: And for those Scissorheads who are Cat People, a little something for you, too!

On the tenth day of Christmas…
Pet wee C.S.I.

Mounty speaketh, but do they listen: You would have thought David Caruso would have been a shoe-in to endorse this. Maybe when the ratings sag?

Holy crap! It’s been a full week of Mountjoy already! As we noted last Sunday, Mountjoy, the notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights and a man the Grinch fears, has hand-selected the perfect presents for the misbegotten Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, to help you keep Rudolph’s nose red.

Here is Mountjoy’s selection for Day 8:

On the eighth day of Christmas…
A calendar of dog eggs

Sayeth Mountjoy: One for all you dog-lovers out there! Don’t forget to take your plastic bag when you walk Spot this holidays.

As we noted Sunday, Mountjoy, the notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights and most definitely not Tiny Tim has hand-selected the perfect presents for horny toads Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, so let a little Mounty into your… heart.

Here is Mountjoy’s selection for Day 7:

On the seventh day of Christmas…
A Lusty Pen Holder

So speaketh the Curator: Lusty? I guess they couldn’t called it Downright Perverted.

As we noted Sunday, Mountjoy, the notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights and exile on the Island of Misfit Toys has hand-selected the perfect presents for swingers Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, so if your stocking is ready, let Mounty stuff it!

Here is Mountjoy’s selection for Day 6:

On the six day of Christmas…
An Obama-shaped urn

Speaketh Mountjoy: Keep your Obama Chia pet – I’m storing Grandma in the commander-in-chief this Christmas.

As we noted Sunday, Mountjoy, the notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights and the only Who ever kicked out of Whoville has hand-selected the perfect presents for commies Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, so let Mounty tickle your jingle bells, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Here is Mountjoy’s selection for Day 5:

On the fifth day of Christmas…
A kiddy tattoo parlour

So Speaketh the Curator: This is just wrong on so many levels. And look at those kids! I’m thinking they have to be related to Billy Ray Cyrus somehow…

As we noted Sunday, Mountjoy, the bad elf and notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights has hand-selected the perfect presents for you preeeeeverts Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, so be sure to run to your window and open your stash, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Here is Mountjoy’s selection for Day 4:

On the fourth day of Christmas…
Fetish Santa gift wrap

Speaketh Mountjoy: You saw it here first: Old F.C. does S&M. I can only imagine the “baby shower” design…

This one is safe for work, inspite of the name on the link.

As we noted Sunday, Mountjoy, our lead reindeer and notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights has hand-selected the perfect presents for dirty freaking hippies Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, so be sure to leave out cookies and booze for Saint Mountjoy to enjoy as he watches you while you’re sleeping.

Here is Mountjoy’s selection for Day 3:

On the third day of Christmas Mountjoy gave to me…
A bandage made of bacon.

Sayeth Mountjoy: Just don’t pass any stray dogs on your way home from Emergency.

(To see the previous selections, you can always click on the 12 Days of Mountjoy link on the bottom of the post.)

As we noted yesterday, Mountjoy, our favorite elf and notorious curator of The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights has hand-selected the perfect presents for subversives Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, so be prepared to have your stocking stuffed! You want it. You know you want it.

Here is Mountjoy’s selection for Day 2:

On the second day of Christmas Mountjoy suggested to me…
A soft-toy internal organ.

Sayeth Mountjoy: “Now if THESE started washing up on the Jersey Shore, there’d be way less fuss, wouldn’t there? That uterus is kinda cute…”

It’s starting to look a lot like Mountjoy here at Mock Paper Scissors! Yes, once again the Gift Shop at The Mountjoy Center for the Appreciation of Cultural Delights is open, and our infamous curator has hand-selected the perfect presents for degenerates Scissorheads everywhere. We will be highlighting selections each day through Christmas, so be prepared to have your stocking stuffed! You know you want to.

Fair Warning! Some gifts might not be safe for viewing at work. We’ll be sure to let you know.

On the first day of Christmas, Mountjoy sent to me:
A penis that’s made of chilli

Sayeth Mountjoy… “I’m not sure this is what Darwin had in mind when he figured out natural selection…”