| Minnesota Member of Congress Michele Bachmann (Declared) |
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Successful baby mill operator theocrat and self-proclaimed Teabagger Queen, McCarthyite witch hunter, self-confessed confident of God, Former Miss November, noted Constitutional Scholar, Bachmann-the-Nut |
There would never be a dull moment as Bachmann-the-Nut makes up her own version os US History and talks to her invisible friends, adjusting her tinfoil hat and hiding behind plants.. |
Bat-shit insane. Says God wanted her to run. |
Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour (Rumored) |
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Boss Hogg might be a racist southerner, or might be a GOPer. |
He looks like Boss Hogg, sounds like Boss Hogg, acts like Boss Hogg. Dukes of Hazzard revival eminent if he is elected. |
Madam Hogg didn’t want him to run, and withheld sex until she got her way. Ewww, gross. |
Fast Food Former CEO, Herman Cain (Campaign suspended) |
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“9-9-9!” CainBlack Walnut claims that President Obama has brainwashed black americans, except for himself, that is. |
Noted as one of the primary saboteurs of Clinton’s Healthcare Plan, Black Walnut ran for Senate in Georgia not knowing that he was black, and lost. |
Wants to run the White House like a business. “Doesn’t matter if it is a pizza, or a burger, or the White House: a problem, is a problem, is a problem.” |
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (Denied Rumors) |
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Anger-management candidate, notable for no longer wearing yellow because school children tried to board him. |
Cancelled Stimulus tunnel project to Manhattan and did not return the money. Whoopsie! |
Enthusiastic fan of helicopter and limousine rides; walking: not so much. |
| Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich (Declared) |
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Staff-banging serial adulterer married his third wife and former mistress, Calista, who could suck rocks through a garden hose. |
Often contradicts himself, even in the same sentence. A complete sociopath, there is no lie too small to tell to David Gregory, who will will nod his head in agreement. |
“I loved America so much, it is why I cheated on my wife/wives.” |
Former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee (Rumor denied) |
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Gomer is the darling of the Xristian Xrazies. |
Knows a secret way to cook up squirrels in the popcorn popper. Is married to notable fashion plate, the Gomerette. |
Kids pack heat, and have problems with bringing guns on planes. Al Qada? Another GOPer who thinks that God talks to him (Is mental illness catching? Yes.) |
| Former Utah Governor, Jon Huntsman (Declared) |
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Billionaire REO Speedwagon fanboy and former ambassador to Communist China. |
His campaign frequently misspells Jon-John’s name; he likes to ride his motorcycle. |
Mormon, he’s Willard’s cousin or something. Conservative nut-jobbers hate Mormons. |
Former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson (Now running as a Libertarian) |
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Libertarian who believes in choice and free trade – at the same time? Maybe. Pay for your abortion yourself, hippies. |
Budget-cutting maniac, believes in school vouchers, and cut education budget to get them. |
He climbed Mt. Everest. Wants to legalize dope. |
| Fred Karger (Declared) |
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Karger is the first openly gay candidate for president, supports marriage equality, repealing DADT. |
A would-be actor, he had a featured role in Horshack! a spinoff from Welcome Back, Kotter that was never produced. |
Gay and Jewish, Karger is not much loved by the GOP. The GOP’s Uncle Tom’s Log Cabin Republicans hate him. |
Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin (Undeclared or rumored? who knows!) |
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Part-time Governor and full-time Grifter, Mooselini has entered more words into the dictionary than most people alive. |
Mooselini knows how to use the awesome power of the Facebook, could fire press secretary to save money. |
She likes to put bullseye targets on political enemies, which includes most of the US. Will make up her mind in September October whenever she needs more money to grift. |
| Ron Paul (R- Texas) |
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Denies his own newsletters; envokes applause at poor people dying. Market solutions! |
Ron is a Texan. |
Ron: His son is Rand (self-named after Ayn, wearer of the worst rug in the US–see photo). |
Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty (Declared – Quit) |
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Mr. Excitement, his team has to build videos around a guy less exciting than watching paint dry. |
Will save Disney’s Hall of Presidents time & money to make a robot version of him. Claims to have a “smokin’ hot wife.” |
Hires drunks from Alabama to do breaking and entering/outreach in Iowa. Only GOPer in history to run for Preznint and get turned down by Fox News for a show. |
| Texas Governor Rick Perry (Declared) |
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Secessionist theocrat, Gov. Goodhair’s family compound is known as Niggerhead. Confused by geography, economy, political science, words with syllables. |
Proved that God has a sense of humor when claimed that God talks to him and urged him to run. However, God didn’t listen to him when he prayed for an end to the deep draught in Texas. |
There is no lie too big, nor bribe too small for Gov. Goodhair and his grifter wife. |
| Former Massachusetts Governor Willard “Mitt” Romney (Declared) |
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Robotic hair helmet from the future sent to destroy us all. Willard says that he is “unemployed, too.” Wants to tear down his Cali beach-front mansion to replace it with a bigger mansion. |
Conservative nut jobbers hate Mormons. |
Ran a take-over firm, and off-shored many Americans jobs. Strapped family dog to the roof of the car for a family vacation. Was the architect of Obamacare, which he vows to repeal. What? |
| Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (Declared) |
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That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter, Santorum is the American Taliban. |
Brought home stillborn baby Gabriel and posed for pictures with it, made children say hello to it. |
A Xristian Xrazy, Santorum is credited with alerting horn-dog Senator John Ensign that he was about to be outed by the cuckolded husband of his mistress. Family values hypocrite. |
