The Morning Headline
Monday, March 19th, 2012Death of the Media
“Frothy is hard on porn” I suppose was the alternative? Eww, gross!
Also/too, Frothy is a colossal prick.
A dish best served cold
Sunday, March 18th, 2012
In what is definitely a thing, notable sanctimonious Catholic theocrat and frothy by-product of anal sex Rick Santorum has lost the primary of the very Catholic Puerto Rico to shape-shifting magical panties enthusiast Willard Romney. Perhaps hectoring the islanders to speak English and insulting the first Latina Justice of the Supreme Court was not a winning strategy? Yes, let’s go with that. Oh, and that Frothy is a colossal prick.
It’s odd: he’s winning amongst evangelical protestant mouth-breathing paste-eaters, but the Catholics despise him, and he’s one of them.
(CNN)
The Morning Quote
Sunday, March 18th, 2012Frothy is thinking about sex again:
“Well you have to look at the proof that’s in the prosecution. Under the Bush administration, pornographers were prosecuted much more rigorously under existing law than they are under the Obama administration. So you draw your conclusion,” Santorum said.
“My conclusion is they have not put a priority on prosecuting these cases, and in doing so, they are exposing children to a tremendous amount of harm. And that to me says they’re putting the unenforcement [sic] of this law and putting children at risk as a result of that.”
–Pope Sanctimonious I
Ahh, it is the Rumsfeld Proof: the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence, so therefore President Carebear is coddling pornographers.
What a colossal prick.
Homecoming for Frothy
Saturday, March 17th, 2012So there Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I was in all his Presidential aspiration vain glory, triumphant in his return to his Catholic high school gym (scene of untold humiliations), finally giving the Heathers of the class of 1976 the comeuppance that they so richly deserved for mocking and ignoring him, when suddenly two other alumni, stood up, caused a ruckus, and then kissed. Two men.
That which is seen cannot be unseen, Frothy. And once-again, the scene of your slap-down is the Catholic High School that formed and tormented you, the very clay of which you are molded into the scold you are today.
Happy homecoming, Frothy. You are still the much mocked hall monitor.
Even Robots Need A Healthy Breakfast
Saturday, March 17th, 2012…but notice how Willard 2.0 never actually eats it.
Happy Saturday!
Frothy goes sunbathing…
Friday, March 16th, 2012
…after a long day of telling Puerto Ricans to speak English and insulting the first Latina Justice, and probably after doing some anti-gay theocracy scolding, he stopped to soak in the rays just in time to be snapped by someone aboard the Atlantis all-gay cruise ship.
This is sooooo meta.
(The Daily What via Scissorhead Moeman)
The Quotable Noot
Thursday, March 15th, 2012The crack research team at Mock, Paper, Scissors has done it again! We spent literally minutes compiling some of Newticles’ greatest moments in the 2012 Goat Rodeo.
Here is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to the Quotable Noot!
|
What he said |
Nifty supporting evidence |
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|---|---|---|
| May 16 |
After Newticles blasts blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash wannabe Paul Ryan’s GOP budget plan as “social engineering,” a video of an Iowa voter asking Newt, “Why don’t you get out before you make a bigger fool of yourself?” goes viral. Newticles claims he did not say what he had said on national television, and blames the media. |
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| May 18 |
As Noot continues to take fire, his spox Rick Tyler pens an epic poem. The poem includes the line: “out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich.” John Lithgow performs the press release, and it goes viral. |
The Colbert Report |
| June 9 |
Newticles campaign implodes for the first time as top aides, including legendary poet Tyler, depart en masse. Among other complaints, staffers cite Noot’s perplexing decision to take a week off in the middle of the campaign to go on a Greek cruise with his wife Callista. |
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| June 22 |
The WaPo reports that Newticles had a $500,000 to $1 million line of credit at Tiffany and Co. |
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| November 9 |
CNBC’s John Harwood asks Noot about his pseudo-lobbying work on behalf of Freddie Mac. Noot has a nifty response: “I offered advice, my advice as an historian.” A $300,000 historian? |
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| November 19 |
Newticles tells the Occupy Wall Street movement to “go get a job, right after you take a bath.” |
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| November 23 |
Newticles releases a new book on the Civil War, that, um, white washes history. Did he do it to compete with Callista’s time-traveling elephant book? |
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| December 2 |  |
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| December 4 |
As he’s being buried by a deluge of negative campaign ads, Newticles expresses his dismay that politics has gotten so nasty. |
Newticles in ’78:“I think that one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don’t encourage you to be nasty.” |
| December 10 |
Noot says he stopped supporting an individual mandate for health insurance in 1993. Video immediately surfaces of Noot in 2005 supporting an individual mandate. |
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| December 11 |
Noot says “I’m going to be the nominee.” |
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| December 15 |
Newticles endorses personhood for zygotes. |
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| December 15 |
Declaring that federal courts have become “grotesquely dictatorial, far too powerful” and “frankly, arrogant,” Noot promises to wage a war against the judiciary branch if he’s elected president. Four days later Dictator-for-Life Newticles says that if judges resist, he’ll have them arrested. |
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| January 23 |
Newticles, who publishes a Spanish-language website, promises to eliminate bilingual ballots, which is an apparent violation of the Voting Rights Acts. He attempts to court English-speaking Cuban-American voters by floating the idea of bombing Fidel Castro. |
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| January 26 |
Newticles promises to build a US colony on the moon if elected president |
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| February |
Noot mocks Obama by telling voters you can’t fit a gun rack in a Chevy Volt. Video promptly surfaces of a Florida man fitting a gun rack in a Chevy Volt. |
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| February 3 |
Newticles blasts Washington elites who “live in high-rise apartment buildings writing for fancy newspapers in the middle of town after they ride the Metro.” Photos promptly surfaces of Noot riding the Metro with wife #2 that he dumped for Callista. |
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| March 6 |
Noot mocks Obama for promoting algae as an alternative energy source. Video promptly surfaces of Newticles touting the benefits of algae as an alternative energy source. |
(H/T: Mother Jones)
Look out, Frothy’s coming…
Thursday, March 15th, 2012
Current federal “obscenity” laws prohibit distribution of hardcore (obscene) pornography on the Internet, on cable/satellite TV, on hotel/motel TV, in retail shops and through the mail or by common carrier. Rick Santorum believes that federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. “If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”
This guy is as much fun as a sneeze during a piss. Doesn’t he have anything better to do?
The Morning Quote
Thursday, March 15th, 2012“The thing I find most disheartening of this campaign is the difficulty of talking about large ideas on a large scale, because the news media can’t cover it and, candidly, my opponents can’t comprehend it.”
–Newticles
To which I can only reply:
Kermit did it better, Noot.
Visibly stressed president reacts to Alabama and Mississippi results
Wednesday, March 14th, 2012
The Morning Quote
Tuesday, March 13th, 2012“See, I always believed that when you run for president of the United States, it should be illegal to read off a teleprompter. Because all you’re doing is reading someone else’s words to people.”
–Frothy Santorum
Jeebus, he didn’t say it as a joke:
The Evening Quote
Monday, March 12th, 2012Silver Foot in Mouth
“… But I’ve got a lot of good friends, the owner Miami Dolphins, and the New York Jets — both owners are friends of mine.”
–Willard
Jeebus. What a doofus.
The Afternoon Quote
Monday, March 12th, 2012
“I kept saying, you just stick with us, you go out and vote for your values and trust what you know. Because you don’t live in New York City. You don’t live in Los Angeles. You live like most Americans in between those two cities, and you know the values you believe in.”
–Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I
Gee, fellow coasters, we were just called Un-American by a theocrat that wants to declare whole sections of the Constitution void.
“I know you are, but what am I?”
Monday, March 12th, 2012Death of the Media
Petunia’s hard-hitting journalism, and Willard hits back!
It’s fifth grade all over again, except without tetherball.
Quote of the Morning
Sunday, March 11th, 2012
“[Frothy's] not blown and tossed by the wind of political correctness,” she said. “He is who he is.”
–Karen Santorum
I wish Callista had said that about Newticles…
The Morning Quote
Friday, March 9th, 2012
“I am learning to say y’all and I like grits, and things. Strange things are happening to me.”
–Willard
Willard is trying to pander to the south now.
This exists
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012At least Patty Hearst got to carry a gun when she was brainwashed by a cult.
Frothy Makes A Clarification
Sunday, March 4th, 2012
Rick Santorum insisted Sunday that the Blunt amendment is not about birth control, but about a broad exemption to ensure that employers never have to violate a religious belief.
“The issue is about whether the government can force you to do things that are against your conscience,” he said on Fox News Sunday.
Santorum brushed off questions about his personal objections to contraception, declaring that that’s not what his campaign has been talking about on the trail.
(TPM)
Endorsements
Sunday, March 4th, 2012
The only person in the world who is jealous of strangely orange-hued Speaker of the House, Eric Cantor just endorsed the candidacy of Willard in the 2012 Goat Rodeo.
The question remains, however, is what was Cantor doing on Meet The Press?
(TPM)
The Morning Quote
Saturday, March 3rd, 2012
“I’ll just say this which is it’s not the language I would have used. I’m focusing on the issues I think are significant in the country today and that’s why I’m here talking about jobs and Ohio.”
–Willard
OK, Willard, you tower of quivering Jello, nicely dodged the Limbaugh controversy with weasel words. But you know that you are his boss, right?
Perhaps, you cad, the words you should be looking for are, “Rush, you are FIRED!”
If you crossed Benny-the-Rat with…
Friday, March 2nd, 2012
…with a more local Frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter, this would be the unholy theocrat of that union.
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Keith-Not-Keith)
What happened to the much-coveted…
Friday, March 2nd, 2012…Donny Osmond endorsement?
What a dork-wad.
Frothy literally hands us a lump of coal
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012…or something:
(Getty Images)
I did not watch the concession speach from theocrat Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I last night, but I find this image to be compelling.
The Morning Quote
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
“I like those fancy raincoats you bought. Really sprung for the big bucks.”
Our everyday guy Willard to NASCAR attendees wearing plastic ponchos in the downpour. No one understands why he has trouble connecting to the huddled masses.
The Only Santorum Ad You Will Ever Need
Tuesday, February 28th, 2012
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Skinny-D)
The Morning Quote
Monday, February 27th, 2012
“…to say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes me want to throw up.”
–Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I
(Frothy was doubling-down on his statement from last fall that he “almost threw up” after reading JFK’s 1960 speech in which he declared his commitment to the separation of church and state, which makes perfect sense that the first Catholic President would make the would-be second Catholic president barf.)
