Mock, Paper, Scissors

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

(H/T Scissorhead The Charm School Dropout via the electronic email device.)

Because nothing makes you healthy and happy like being smashed all winter. See the Russians if you want proof.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)

MPS Halloween Coverage, cont.

Oh, Mary (Shelley), you’ve created a Monster!

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)

Thanks to Canadian operative Scissorhead Dimitrios we learn of multiple, interesting daring-do’s in the land of Golden Plated Magical Panties.

As you may recall a few weeks back, Mock, Paper, Scissors brought you the breaking news that Idaho exists (and we still have our doubts) because Idaho (if it exists) banned the sale of Five Wives Vodka. The reason Idaho (which allegedly exists) banned said vodka was that some Magical Panties Enthusiasts in Idaho (should it actually exist) might take offense at the implication of polygamy, because DAMMIT – they don’t do that (anymore). For the record, Five Wives Vodka is distilled in Utah, home of Magical Panties Enthusiasts and ground-zero of polygamy, at least in the United States, and absolutely for Magical Pantiesism.

Anyway, Jonathan Turley, an notable attorney and law professor at George Washington University Law School in Washington, D.C., sent a letter threatening a federal lawsuit if Idaho didn’t reverse itself and allow the provocatively labeled vodka brand to be sold in the state (as if said state actually existed). And that’s when all hell broke loose, and Unicorns and Fauns, and god knows what else that live in “Idaho” suddenly got the right to buy Five Wives Vodka:

“Within hours of receiving Turley’s letter, which raised multiple constitutional challenges to Idaho’s earlier decision , Idaho state liquor division Director Jeff Anderson announced that Idahoans could immediately purchase Five Wives vodka by special order from any state liquor store; he’s also reconsidering a request to stock the product on state liquor store shelves.”

Score one for booze! Freedoms!

But the Turley news doesn’t end there:

Utah announced on May 31 that it wouldn’t prosecute Kody Brown and his four wives for bigamy, but Turley and Brown pledged to continue the lawsuit.

Brown and his wives and 16 children moved to Nevada after Lehi, Utah, police began an investigation into possible charges after the family appeared on the TLC reality series. They sued to overturn Utah’s bigamy law, citing issues of privacy and religious freedom.

Turley argued that the Browns didn’t have multiple marriage licenses and were being prosecuted “solely because they call themselves a family in the eyes of their church.”

“The disparate treatment of polygamists denies them the basic liberties and equal protection under the law guaranteed by the First and Fourteenth Amendments of the United States Constitution,” Turley wrote in the lawsuit.

OK, so you got that? In Idaho (if it exists) you can now (with permission) buy Utah’s Five Wives Vodka, even though it might offend Magical Panties Enthusiasts, and via the same attorney, in Utah you might not be prosecuted for having five wives (not the vodka, the women) regardless of your Magical Panties branding sensitivities. No word (yet) from Nevada about polygamy and magical panties enthusiast Kody Brown now residing there with his 4 wives and 16 children.

(The Spokesman Review via Scissorhead Dimitrios)

…but for some reason, you cannot buy it in Utah Idaho. (if Idaho really exists. I have my doubts…thanks for the correction everyone.)

(BuzzFeed)

(BuzzFeed)

…or you could just use a bottle opener.

Naw…

(Disclaimer – I’ve done a few of these, and they are more difficult than they look.)

Salon

…died of an accidental overdose from mixing booze and Valium, which he was taking to get over the jaggies from quitting booze.

No snark, it’s a sad ending.

(Mercury News)

…is smarter than the real thing.

Introducing the Chimpy McStagger animatron. Notice how the other presidents are, um, well, er, notice them.

Happy Presidents’ Day – it’s our Democracy, enjoy it!

I would love to read the market research that lead them to make this ad. And then I would send flowers to the funeral of the copywriter.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead DCap from the fabulous blog Distributorcap NY)

Hey guys, remember when about 80 days ago I gave you a recipe for Lemoncello? Me Neither!

Anyway, if you were playing along at home, then you already know that today is the big day: the Lemoncello is done.

Yup – this is what the stuff looks like, unfiltered after 80 days in the making…

…and this is what it looks like after filtering out the lemon zest (first through a strainer, then through a double layer of cheese cloth on top of a strainer, and then through a coffee filter). Yeah, it is still cloudier than I would prefer, but damn! Life is rough.

Observant Scissorheads probably noticed a sparkling wine bottle and a champagne flute nearby. Indeed, there is a cocktail called the Tulio Oro which requires Lemoncello, and it is delicious:

Tulio Oro

This makes one cocktail. You can scale this easily to make more.

Ingredients:

• 3/4 oz Lemoncello
• 1/2 oz Punt e Mes
• 6 oz Prosecco

Make It:

1. Pour the Lemoncello and Punt e Mes into a shaker half full of ice, and shake vigorously for 30 seconds. Pour into a champagne flute.
2. Add the Prosecco to the flute and serve.

I can only describe this as being like a Negroni that has somehow gone to Heaven. It’s really good, bitter and sweet in the right places. Your whole tongue gets a workout, and because the Lemoncello is very strong, you really don’t want to have many of these. I actually prefer less Prosecco in this drink, so feel free to experiment within reason.

And as always, if you have an issue with booze, skip the whole thing and have some sparkling apple juice, which is also terrific on a hot summer day.

Seattle Pi

…that Nobama was drinking on the job.

Convicted Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff robbed the wealthy of $65 billion — and was a liquor collector. Of mini-bar booze, that is.
“[Madoff] was clearly not a connoisseur, or a serious wine collector,” said Kimberly Janis, director at Morrell Fine Wine Auctions, which will offer for sale 58 lots from Madoff’s booze collection next Wednesday.
One lot is a selection of 2-ounce bottles of Smirnoff vodka, Bombay gin and Grand Marnier liqueur. The estimate: $10 to $20.

Wait a minute. The Ponzi-Scheme Dream Queen was hoarding hotel mini-bar mini-bottles?

(NYPost)

Those of you who know me already are aware that I think Tequila ought to be outlawed. Horrid stuff. The quaff of unsophisticates, ruffians, and college boys. You also know that my first night in college I drank the better part of a bottle of the vile stuff — got the worm, huzzah for me–and a hangover that was the stuff of legends. Since then, nary a sip of the evil stuff has crossed my lips. I cannot even get in a room where it is being served, the smell of that stuff makes me heave. Seriously.

Or so I thought.

Tonight’s snort was sprung on me as more-or-less a surprise. Upon learning my horror with El Diablo, the mixologist decided to turn me against my better, more pure instincts, and made a drink for those of us who hate the cactus and curse it’s name.

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 oz añejo tequilia — El Tesoro is what we used.
• 3/4 oz. Bénédictine
• 1/4 oz. Lillet Blanc
• 2 dashes Peychaud bitters
• lemon peel — for garnish

Make it:

1. Fill a metal cocktail shaker halfway with ice. There’s a reason you want to use metal.
2. Add everything except the lemon peel.
3. Stir the elixer until the metal cocktail shaker gets a sweat on the outside of the shaker. This is why you want to use metal instead of glass.
4. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with a twist of lemon–as little pith as you can manage.

I’m guessing that it is the other ingredients that smooth this thing out, after all they are French. Some quick research tells me that there is a classic cocktail from New Orleans called the Vieux Carré (the old Quarter–the French Quarter), which is made with rye, cognanc, and Bénédictine and various other fine things.

(Adapted from Boozehound by Jason Wilson, an essential cocktail guide.)

Limoncello

A picture I found on the web, really I don’t wear black nail polish…

I think that as far as well-kept secrets go, that I love a good snort is probably the worst-kept secret of all. I think close runner-up must be that I love making some hooch now and then.

My wine-pairing teacher (from Chez Panisse, no less) praised me for my bitter tongue–if only he knew–and so my taste preference sends me towards Limoncello, that sweet/sour/bitter lemony delight from Italy seems like a natural fit. The problem is that most bottlings of Limoncello go too sweet (or too strong), and so I usually shun the stuff.

As regular readers might note, I’m not keen on flavored vodkas (or any vodka for that matter); the stuff doesn’t have a taste, it only has an effect, and I consider it to be the preferred drink of drunks. So please don’t tell me that citrus-flavored vodka is the same thing as Limoncello, it is not. Limoncello has a roundness to it, a flavor that rolls across all the taste buds, from the tip of your tongue to the back. Limoncello also has a mouth-feel; it is substantial without being viscous. At the end of the sip, you do not have that Nyquil my mouth and tongue is coated feeling.

Limoncello is usually served ice cold, in small glasses, and often as a shot. But that is also usually a mistake. While shooting Limoncello is certainly a possibility, you should reasonably linger over it as you might lemonade (which is also better cold and undiluted). Put the Limoncello in the freezer and put the glasses in the freezer, and serve it undiluted and well chilled. Sip it, admire the beauty of the person you are seducing (probably your wife or husband as Scissorheads are notoriously romantic and loyal), and enjoy the summer night.

Ingredients:

• The yellow-only zest of 15 lemons (I use Meyer when in season, why not?)
• 2 fifths of unflavored vodka, best quality you can afford at a reasonable price (see the tips below, too)
• 4 Cups sugar (organic is best, pure cane sugar is great, avoid beet sugar)
• 5 cups water (if you have good tap water, that’s best)

Make It:

1. If you have a micro-plane grater or zester, now is the time to call it into action. If you do not have one, this is as good an excuse as any to buy one. 15 lemons is a lot to zest, this makes fast work, and you get no white pith. Make sure the lemons are washed and dried before you start.
2. In a large glass jar (or other food-safe and non-reactive vessel), add the lemon zest and the vodka. Seal it well, shake it, and set it aside for 40 days. Make a note in your (computer’s) calendar for today + 40 days as the reminder. (Truthfully, you can do less, but 40 days–Biblical!–is best.)
3. At the end of 40 days, combine the sugar and the water to make a simple syrup. Boil the sugar-water mixture for about 10 minutes (full, rolling boil, so use a big pan), remove from the heat, and let it cool.
4. Add the cooled syrup to the Limoncello and stir it in. Let the full mixture rest for up to another 40 days. (Again, you can call it done in 10 days, but jeepers! Why make it easy on yourself?)
5. OK, now, at the end of all this time (80 Days? Around the world in 80 days?!), strain the Limoncello. You can use a coffee filter, or whatever. Just separate the solids from the liquids.
6. Put the finished Limoncello in the freezer. I usually pour it into smaller bottles, but whatever. When very chilled, serve shot glass-sized servings in frozen Old Fashioned glasses. After dinner. Always after dinner. On hot summer evenings. Perhaps with Frank or Dean singing something seductive.

I want to stress this: keep it in your freezer.

But wait! There’s more!

You knew this was coming, right?

• Adventurous types: instead of the 2 bottles of vodka, you can use 1 bottle of grain alcohol. I don’t recommend this, but there is a frat boy in all of us.
• My friends tell me that you can run cheap vodka (the stuff in plastic bottles often on sale at the local CVS–and I kid you not “White Wolf” is at mine) through a water-filter pitcher and suddenly it becomes a super-premium vodka. OK, so try it and report back to us.
• My sister Eightgrain tells me that when she was in Italy the last time (that chick gets around), all the Limoncello had vanilla bean added to the mix. It sounds delightful — sort of like what a good semi-freddo might have in the lemon curd–but I think this might be a matter of taste; if you do this, I would add it to the sugar syrup at the end and filter the solid vanilla bean out with the coffee filter; I cannot offer advice on how long to let it seep.
• I have served this with a rosemary twig as a garnish, and I think that works really well –if you like an herbal finish.
• If you like the Lemon Drop cocktail, what the heck, use this instead of the vodka and see what happens. Roman Holiday!

(Seriously, if you have an addiction problem (or think you might), enjoy some good lemonade on a hot night. The seduction is up to you, but if you are a Scissorhead that should come pretty naturally to you.)

Welcome back to the MPS speak-easy! Here’s another great addition to the holiday cheer list. It’s a raspberry-strawberry whiskey cordial. I base my recipe on one from the Oregon Raspberry and Blackberry Commission. (Yeah, it’s a real thing.) Their recipe calls for vodka, which is fine if you like vodka, but whiskey has more character. When I make a homemade gift, I definitely want it to have character. So here’s my doctored holiday treat:

-3 cups sugar
-1 fifth (3 cups) whiskey
-24 ounces fresh raspberries
-12 ounces frozen sweetened strawberries

Heat the strawberries until they’re almost completely melted in a large pot on the stove. Add the raspberries and mash with a potato masher to help break up and blend the fruit. Next add your sugar. Do not boil or simmer the fruit/sugar mix. You just want it warm enough to dissolve the sugar. Remove from heat and add the whiskey. Then add to a container with a loosely fitted lid and store in a cool dark place (basement, closet, garage, etc.). Let it sit for 3 weeks, stirring it every day to keep those sugars dissolved and to keep infusing the flavors. The whiskey will prevent any mold or bacteria from growing and the lid keeps out dust, dirt, and bugs. There will be some off gassing, not a lot, so remember to keep the lid loose. Then bottle it in old, clean wine bottles and you’re good to go! It’s nice for sipping or using as a flavoring for other drinks. Caution: it can get you messed up in a hurry.

I scale this up so I’m using 4 fifths of whiskey (3 liters) and a 5 pound bag of sugar. I have a big seafood pot with a lid that I store mine in while it matures. If you like, you can strain the fruit out of the mixture and just have a liquid cordial. There are some people that don’t like the raspberry and strawberry seeds. You can use cheesecloth or an old, clean T-shirt. I like the fruit, again, added character and it gets your pigeons drunk. I strain out the berries and put them in the bottles first. I use a funnel and the handle of a wooden spoon to jam the berries into my bottles, then top with liquid.

You can get wine bottles at homebrew and home wine making stores just about cheaper than any other place out there. They should have an interesting selection to chose from. Small clear bottles are great for gifts because they show off the great color and berries. Have fun, enjoy, and drink responsibly.

Welcome to the MPS Speakeasy! Just in time for the holidays, MPS is offering a bevy of beverage recipes to help celebrate the season. This first installment is brought to you by the letter Beer! Don’t be scared. Making your own beer is easy and it’s delicious. Beer is the reason we have agriculture. If ancient humans could make beer, you bet you can too.

Continue reading how to make your holiday beer…

The Wall Street Journal tells us all about Shot Girls:

Having started their company after observing the disorganization and mistreatment of the women, the founders say they saw a business opportunity. Margins are high when attractive women wearing revealing tops and short shorts sell trays of Jell-O shots and watered-down tequila in a plastic test tube. The drinks cost 15 cents to make and sell for $3 or $4.

OK, men, time for Speedos and a drink tray. Oh, wait. Never mind.