Mock, Paper, Scissors

Rick Santorum is the ED cure du jour for the media – after all, blantantly stating one’s contempt for gays, blacks, sick people, liberals, single mothers, immigrants, the elderly and everyone else who doesn’t believe exactly as he does every time he opens his piehole is the BEST way to win friends and elections.

Rick the Health Care Crusader had some choice words to a woman whose 5 year son had cancer
“During a town hall in Keene, New Hampshire this morning, Rick Santorum told a mother whose son survived cancer that people with pre-existing conditions should pay more for health care coverage because they make poor health care choices. While specifically exempting the woman’s child from personal blame, Santorum insisted that the sick cost more to insure and insurers should charge them higher premiums” (Think Progress)

Rick the Elderly Crusader had some choice words about the leeches over the age of 65:

“We can’t wait 10 years,” even though “everybody wants to,” Santorum told a crowd while campaigning in New Hampshire Friday, breaking with opponents who say immediate cuts would be too big a shock to current and soon-to-be retirees.(TPM)

Rick the Capitalist Crusader thinks having peons around is good thing:
“They talk about income inequality. I’m for income inequality. I think some people should make more than other people, because some people work harder and have better ideas and take more risk, and they should be rewarded for it. I have no problem with income inequality. “President Obama is for income equality. That’s socialism. It’s worse yet, it’s Marxism,” Sanoturm said. “I’m not for income equality. I’m not for equality of result – I’m for equality of opportunity.” Santorum also believes the best way to bring back economic prosperity is to get married.

Rick Santorum is just plain fucking weird and insane.

News that will drive you to drink

Evolved couch sitter Brian Kilmead loves women, too bad he repells them. Even Petunia.

• The Taxman laughs – Hey guys, you remember Black Walnut’s 999 Plan? Here’s Frothy’s 90% Plan the top 1% get 90% of the tax cut. (Fair Warning! – It’s a PDF: Citizens for Tax Justice)
• Gay Republican Blogger (not Sully, the other one) Kevin DuJan is convinced that the Gaystapo is what is stopping him from getting the hot twinks to date him. Oh, his conspiracy also includes that they are trying to poison his cocktails. All this because he continues to schlep water for Wingnuttia and Xristian Xrazies. Those meanies! (Joe.My.God — but you must read the original post, it is jaw-droppingly surreal.)
• Man calls 911 after gluing plastic cups to his head. (Note to self: buy plastic cups this weekend.) (The Sideshow)

News you can use all day

• Blah, like me - That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum doesn’t hate black people. You see, he was misquoted the other day when he allegedly said, “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money.” What he really said was “blah people.” Well done, Frothy. Once you go blah, you never go bah. (Crooks and Liars)
• Birther births new birther life into birtherism - Conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Orly Taitz somehow managed to get some judge in Georgia to agree to hear her case, not because it has merit, but because it involved having the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby’s name on the ballot. (Ledger-Inquirer)
• Just in time - Hey guys, remember that time when New Hampshire ended compulsory education? Me Neither!, but anyway it seems that to honor Frothy’s home-schooled living fetus jars (and our new future), they passed a law which basically says that any parent can object to any subject for any reason, and the kid doesn’t have to learn it! The earth is flat and at the center of the universe; Pope Santorum smiles benignly. (Crooks and Liars)

It works, claims Marcus Bachmann’s mother! Not that there is anything wrong with that.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)

News that will drive you to drink

• Theocrat and spokesperson for Americans for Truth (about Homosexuality) are demanding that Dan Savage take down Santorum.com, claiming that it is bullying. (Fair Warning! The link is to AFTAH, where the Santorum hits the road, so to speak)
• Where there’s smoke… Wall-eyed dillweed WI Governor Scott Walker’s high-ranking aides have been indicted on felony charges. (TPM and more at the Journal-Sentinel)
• Change of Heart – Staff-banging serial adulterer Newt Gingrich–now that he was dethroned by anonymous conservative donors who wanted him out of the race–says that SuperPACs are evil and must be destroyed. Of course he previously was on record applauding the Citizens United decision, but that was before he was the victim of Karl Rove’s smear machine. (The Ticket)

News you can use all day

That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum claims he doesn’t talk much about stripping gays of their rights… and then talks about stripping gays of their rights.

• Repeats - Here we go again. Indiana’s legislature Democratic members are skipping out so that the GOP cannot have a quorum to strip workers’ rights. (NYTimes)
• Keep the Dream Alive - Rushing hands and roaming fingers Herman Cain is back promoting his 9-9-9 Plan. (The Ticket)
• History Lesson - Staff-banging serial adulterer Newt Gingrich, a self-proclaimed historian, has said that “I think Jefferson and George Washington would strongly discourage you from growing marijuana, and their tactics to stop you would be more violent than they would be today.” Too bad both of those presidents grew it and made hemp products. (BuzzFeed Politics)

Tastes Great–Less Filling

News that will drive you to drink

• Do it like the dead Gipper - Notable eaves-dropping billionaire Rupert Murdoch tweets: “Well, well! Values DO count. Santorum result pretty amazing. Policy very similar to Reagan. Now start to sound like him.” Um, like a long-dead senile guy? (Twitter)
• Lawsuits pending - The Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby Barack Obama appointed during recess Richard Cordray to head up the new Consumer Protection Bureau that the Republicans have been trying to dismantle. And now the lawsuits begin! But wait, who is threatening them? Weepy? Chinless Mitch? Iago Cantor? No! The US Chamber of Commerce, thus pointing out the problem. (The Hill)
• Fly the Friendly Skies - Haha! those wacky Mormons on Willard’s campaign refer to his plane as Hairforce One. (The Ticket)

News you can use all day

Doggie sunglasses? Really, Marcus?

Note: in the middle of the night, Willard crept over Frothy and won Iowa by 8 votes. –TG

• Tweet of the Moment - “In 08 Romney got 30,021 votes. Last night he got 30,015. Mitt & his SuperPAC spent $4 mill to lose 6 votes. I coulda lost em 6 for free.” (Twitter – @PaulBegala)
• Get along little goaties - Theocratic dimwits Bachmann-the-Nut and Gov. Goodhair have cancelled events in South Carolina today following their massive losses last night, and are expected to drop out of the 2012 Goat Rodeo. Theocrat secessionist Rick Perry is expected to retreat to his ancestral family compound Niggerhead, while theocrat baby mill operator Michele Bachmann is expected to hide behind some potted plants. (Political Wire)
• Vengeance is a dish best served cold - Staff-banging serial adulterer Newt Gingrich is not gracious in defeat, and Khan-like, Newticles has vowed to spit at Willard from the depths of Hell. (TPM)

Rick Santorum, who is perhaps the most sex-obsessed candidate to ever run for President, is poised for a big night (and wide stance) in Iowa. If the 2006 Pa. Senate contest loser (by 18 points) wants to keep the momentum (as opposed to his movement) into the next round of Gong Show contests – he is going to need A) Money B) Support

With that in mind, here is a sure fire way to raise that profile.  Santorum should immediately begin bottling, marketing and distributing his frothy mixture of yummy ingredients as Uncle Rick’s Frothy Salad Dressing – and use one of the best salad tossers in politics – Rick Perry – as his spokesperson.

News you can use all day

• I thought Rick Perry was the self-proclaimed Tebow of the IA Caucuses? But then again, One-L is a self-righteous dullard.

• Staff-banging serial adulterer calls Willard a liar (about 3-minute mark.)

• Santorum also plays with dolls

News that will drive you to drink

(TPM) Eww, gross! A restaraunt in Iowa is selling something it is calling Santorum Salad! Tossed fresh all day!

• The (toll) Bridge to Nowhere - Idiot theocrat secessionist Rick Perry continues to redraw the map of the US. It seems we got it all wrong: the bridge to nowhere is not in Mooselini’s ice kingdom of Alaska, it is in Grandpa Walnut’s sand kingdom of Arizona. Who knew? (TPM)

• “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them other people’s money.”

  –Frothy Santorum

• Endorsements - The Duggar 19 is endorsing Frothy, however none of them live in Iowa, so they’ve tricked out a bus to drive around Iowa campaigning for him. (Insert your own reality show joke here.) (The Ticket)

…except that it is called “Congress.”

News you can use all day

(Twitter) Rupert Murdoch enjoys seeing Iowa knee-deep in Santorum. Eww, gross x2!

• Divine Interventions - Yet another pastor has asked the girl with the far-away eyes, theocrat baby-mill operator Michele Bachmann to quit her doomed campaign, so as to not split the vote with notable theocrat and frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum. (KTUL)
• Southward, Ho’s - Short on cash and brain cells, theocrat secessionist Rick Perry and theocrat baby mill operator Michele Bachmann are going to skip the North East and move directly into campaigning in the south. (TPM)
• Tying the knot - It might cause Frothy to faint, but two-time Olympic Champion Johnny Weir married his boyfriend Victor Voronov over the weekend. Congratulations to the happy couple. (On Top)

Shall we dance?
On a bright cloud of nuclear fallout shall we fly?
Shall we dance?
Shall we then say Obamacare and mean tax cut?
Or perchance,
When the last little immigrant has left the land,
Shall we still be together
With our 2nd amendment arms around each other
And shall you be my new romance?
On the clear understanding
That this president is a Kenyan,
Shall we dance?
Shall we dance? Shall we Dance?

Scissorheads -

I thought about saying something snarky about the year that would never end (and the GOP 2012 Goat Rodeo debates that seem to be eternal punishment), but we’ve already been there and done that, so instead I thought maybe some gratitude might be needed:

• To our unindicted co-conspirators: TexBetsy (who is the heart of MPS if not the soul), Mountjoy (If Tex is the heart, then Mounty is the other organs if you know what I mean, and I think you do), the very mysterious and musical GRS, the hysterical Katie Schwartz, our artist in residence Jonathan Schmock, and our own would-be Academy Award Winning Axel Grease;
• To our late and much lamented Xristi;
• To those who inspire us (and you know who you are);
• And most of all, to the Scissorheads, the internet’s band of incorrigible spitballers^®.

All of you make this little project worthwhile and you are the reason we come back for more every day. Every little comment, every zinger, every contest winner and pop-quiz answer proves that you are the smartest, snarkiest, funniest group of people ever gathered anywhere. Each one of you would be right at home passing cocktails to Dorothy Parker at the round table.

From the tip of my nose, to the bottoms of my toes, thank you for making 2011 the perfect year.

Till we meet again in 2012,

Best regards,

Tengrain

Willard’s $16 Million tear-down in SoCal

“When the president’s characterization of our economy was, ‘It could be worse,’ it reminded me of Marie Antoinette: ‘Let them eat cake.”

–Willard, who it seems doesn’t know that he lives in a glass house

Damn.

News you can use all day

• War on Christmas Casualty - Home of low information viewers and paste-eating mouth-breathers, Fox News had to apologize after asking, Did the Jews Kill Jesus in a Facebook poll. (Raw Story)
• Eat, for this is my body - Hubba-hubba! The Young Turks Current TV hosts Cenk Uygur and Ana Kasparian discussed dildoes for the devout!
  

  Uygur observed that there are currently at least four sites marketing adult products to Christians: Book 22, Hookin’ Up Holy, Intimacy of Eden and Covenant Spice… Other shops, aimed at Jewish and Muslim customers, struck a different tone. “Kosher Sex Toys” is one; “El Asira” is another. While “El Asira” does not sell any actual motorized toys, they do specialize in massage products and lubricants, Cenk noted.

  Scissorheads should note that they failed to mention the ever-popular Jackhammer Jesus toy available from the not-safe-for-work Divine Interventions.

  (Raw Story)

• Going Broke As Fast As We Can - Gather up your hobo beans while ye may, and bury some Ameros in the back yard fellow hobos: according to the Financial Times, the global stock markets lost $6.3 Trillion in 2011, which is a 12% slide. The world-wide economic melt-down continues! (Think Progress)

Scissorheads -

The holiday parties are taking their toll, and my brewing club is doing our last batch of the year today… So when I’m not making it, I’m drinking it today.

I’ll leave you in the capable hands of the rest of the SuperTeam, and of course, there are all those fine blogs listed to the left. Everyone of ‘em is a proven winner!

Don’t break the innernet while I’m gone, please.

Rgds,

TG

News you can use all day

The Kids are gonna be alright.

• Santorum climbs outta that hole - That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum is now in second place! He’s surging from behind! Eww, gross! (TPM)
• Hey guys, remember when Chicago Archbishop Cardinal Francis George compared gays and lesbians unfavorably to the Ku Klux Klan? Me Neither!, but anyway the gay advocacy blog Truth Wins Out is stepping up and demanding he resigns. (Click the link to help out: Truth Wins Out)
• Another day, another GOP pedophile - Meet assistant principal and former coach Patrick Lott, 54, who videotaped naked boys (under 16 years of age) in the showers at a Catholic school. (The Raw Story)

(Getty Images)

“…three reasons t’ vote fer me.”

…Bachmann-the-Nut has a gun!^*:

(TPM)

*Apologies to Julie Brown.

News you can use all day

(Stolen from Attaturk) Eww, gross! That’s like the dirtiest Tweet ever.

• Erasure Head - Hey guys, remember that time when crazier-than-a-June-bug candidate Ron Paul was bragging that he got the endorsement of that Xristian Xrazy guy, Rev. Phillip G. Kayser, who wants to execute gays and unruly kids? Me Neither!, but anyway for some odd reason Goldbug has expunged Kayser’s name from his campaign website. (TPM)
• Drowning man swims to sinking ship - Iowa is the land of jobs, it seems, as yet another member of the doomed campaign of theocrat and successful baby mill operator Michele Bachmann has jumped ship… to Ron Paul. (TPM)
• Heathers’ Lunchtime Quiz - Let’s imagine that we are idiots living in Iowa and Republicans (redundant? Yes.), and we are lamenting our lack of serious choices for the 2012 Goat Rodeo, and we turn on the TeeVee Machine to see what the latest ads say, you know to help us make up our minds, and we see an ad urging us to Go Rogue and write in Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin? Do you chose Strychnine or Hemlock? (AFP)

But an hour later, you cannot drive? I mean, really, WTF did this agency think when they did this?

(Hat tip: Scissorhead DCMartin)

News that will drive you to drink

(The Citizen of Laconia) Twenty-three Skiddoo, would-be presidential candidate and theocrat wing-ding Randal Terry is stylin’!

• Separation of Church and State, not so much - Notable theocrat Bryan Fischer says that when we elect a president, we are in fact, choosing a minister of God. So clearly, then, God wanted us to be muslins? (Fair Warning! the link is to ground zero of teh stoopid: AFA)
• Holy Crap – That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum has climbed up to third place in the Iowa polls. Jar’ed baby Gabriel is gonna buy the first round! (The Ticket)
• Endorsements – Infamous pamphleteer and white sale devotee Ron Paul gets an endorsement from another fellow-whack job. Meet Phillip Kayser is pastor of the Dominion Covenant Church in Omaha, Nebraska, who for fun wants to kill gays, delinquent children, and adulterers. I wonder why Newticles didn’t earn this endorsement? (Throckmorton)

News you can use all day

Did everyone enjoy the last night of Hanukkah last night?

• Hostage seeks hostage-taker - Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil baby Barack Obama plans to ask the Republican-led Congress to increase the debt ceiling again. (Destination 2012)
• Fond Memories - Ah, the damp tissues, the weepy farewells, everyone (it seems) loved retiring corn-husker kickback Senator Ben Nelson. Or are those tears of joy? (The Nation)
• Maybe he have seen a Star Wars movie - Noted dimwit theocrat secessionist Rick Perry went to the movies and saw “The Gift Of Life,” a pro-life film produced by Citizens United, in Iowa and says he is now firmly anti-choice, under all circumstances. (Think Progress)
• BONUS TRACK - That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum has promised to drop out of the 2012 Goat Rodeo if he finishes dead last. OK, Iowa, you know what to do! (TPM)

…this turtle on New Year’s Eve:

It’s not amature hour!

News you can use all day

Sloooooow news day…

• Stupid man says stupid call was stupid - Wall-eyed dimwit and wholly-owned Koch Brother Asset Scott Walker, in retrospect, says that the notorious prank Koch brother phone call was stupid to fall for. No d’uh. (TPM)
• Watch the spinning lady spin - Notorious ethically challenged, former unwed mother and President of the National Organization for Marriage Maggie Gallagher is elated and crowing that 61% of New Hampshire conservatives want to repeal the state’s recognition of same-sex marriages elsewhere. Um, that works out to be about 28% of New Hampshire voters, so it is kinda like the slowest rats not getting off the sinking ship in a timely manner. Buh-bye, Maggie. (NOM Blog)
• Hey guys, remember the other day when the lady sailor got off the ship and kissed her lady partner? The first time openly gay members of the military were allowed to participate in the tradition of the lottery to be the first off? Me Neither!, but anyway, it seems some people found that offensive. (Romenesko)

There were no talking moose (not counting Bullwinkle)