Mock, Paper, Scissors

My Easter tradition requires that I reprise a post from one of the original Scissorheads, XristiM who passed away in December 2006 from cancer; I miss that woman every day, she was one of a kind –as are all the Scissorheads. XristiM was a Christian, but she was wary of the Religious Right, and was strictly in favor of the Separation of Church and State. This is from a comment she posted in November, 2006.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS
Dedicated to the Absolutely Sure of Absolutely Everything
From Someone Who Isn’t
(c) XristiM 1998-2006

Into their Lazarus mouths they pop
God like round peppermint lozenges,
and with their resurrected teeth
grind Him small,
roll the bits with their tongues,
flooding them with saliva and
the exhalations of digestion.
Then they amble forth
to perform the work for which
they have anointed themselves
and each other,
breathing the judgment of an angry God strongly
into the nostrils of others.

We can hear them at a distance,
from close enough can detect the stench
of self-righteousness.
And a wary eye can detect them in our midst,
with coats that show glossy fronts,
but on their backs,
hidden from their view
and from ours
unless we trouble ourselves to look,
reveal scraps and patches
like bandages over festering sores.

We may protest, draw back in distaste,
alarmed to have God thrust upon us
smelling so pungently of mint
and the charnel house,
but they are relentless in pursuit
of fleeing souls.
They paralyze us with their certainty
that God lives in their mouths.

For myself, I think the God has filed
His change of address:
He resides
not in the mouth, but in the heart.

And then, there’s this from Matt Barber, one of the leading Xristian Xrazies showing his love of his fellow man:

Makes you kinda think that XristiM was onto something, doesn’t it? Maybe God moved on and left Matt Barber behind.

#BlogAgainstTheocracy

As far as I know, there is no organized Blog Against Theocracy blogswarm this year. It is not from a lack of need, and I hope not from a lack of interest.

For those of you who are wondering about theocracy, take a look at our nearly daily Happy Hour News Briefs - that is our own, little, daily Blog Against Theocracy.

Regular readers know that First Freedom First, which was a project of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, awarded Mock, Paper, Scissors the blog of the year for fighting theocracy a few years ago. We’ve been fighting it daily ever since.

Here’s the deal: the GOP war on women is a front in the war against democracy; the war on LGBT people is another front in the war against democracy. You can go down the list of issues after issue, usually in the Culture Wars (but not always), and if you think about what the Conservatives are fighting for, it is for the USA to become a Christian Theocracy.

We don’t always see it because it falls often into Identity Politics, but if you stand back you will see that these culture wars are related, and they are really a battle for Theocracy.

It is not always obvious, but at the root of many of their pet issues from fighting Choice, to fighting Marriage Equality, to fighting Obamacare–remember the Death Panels–the conservatives are actively fighting for a Taliban-like form of government, with them in the Taliban role.

I don’t think that there is any greater threat to our democracy than what the theocrats have in mind.

I’m fond of noting that the very first Amendment to the Constitution was the Separation of Church and State (the Establishment Clause)–that’s how important the Founders felt about it. It’s not just that everyone can practice whatever faith they want without compunctions, but that everyone can be free FROM religion, too.

So here, on Easter Sunday, when many of us are celebrating Jesus, remember to celebrate the First Amendment, too. It is what allows you to practice your faith, and it is what allows you to reflect in peace without having someone shove their faith down your throat.

UPDATE:

Our friend Batocchio at Vagabond Scholar has also posted a Blog Against Theocracy

“…that promises you freedom FROM religion.”

Oh, good Lord, Robert Jeffress is at it again.

“This assault on the sanctity of human life takes me where I cannot go. I WILL NOT pay the surcharge for abortion services. The amount of the surcharge is irrelevant. To pay one cent for the killing of babies is egregious to me, and I will do all I can to correct a government that lies to me about its intentions and then tries to coerce my acquiescence with extortion. It would be a violation of my most deeply held convictions to disobey what I consider to be the principles in Scripture. The Creator will not hold us guiltless if we turn a deaf ear to the cries of His innocent babies. So come and get me if you must, Mr. President. I will not bow before your wicked regulation.”

–James Dobson

Mr. Dobson longs for nothing less than a theocracy. I should note: an Evangelical Xristian Xrazie theocracy. I’m sure he’d object if it wasn’t his sect.

(Hat tip: Scissorheads Abo Gato and everyone else who noticed that the theocrats all dropped out)

It has come to our attention that spring is nearly upon us – the skies, the flowers, the fundamentalists trying to ban sex.

All across the country, as the weather improves, the Fundies start popping up with their picket signs in front of those few, remaining, un-firebombed family planning clinics in the lucky 13% of all US counties wherein women can still legally receive reproductive services. The women in the other 87% of all US counties are screwed, so to speak.

(Yes, you read that right: although abortion is legal in the US, it is not available. For the most part, abortion is illegal in the US and it is getting more so. And of course, this means that there is a huge violation of the First Amendment, but I’m getting ahead of myself… back to sex.)

The Fundies believe that these wanton women know too much about sex, you see, and if you can ban the knowledge of where babies come from, the country will suffer fewer abortions and unwanted babies. If women know too much about sex, then they are more likely to act upon their impure and animalistic instincts. It is these scarlet women (and it is always the women) that are leading the innocent (and yet oddly bestial) men into this carnal knowledge, probably against the poor mens’ will.

The Fundies, of course, are confusing cause with effect.

Babies are not conceived by knowledge, they are conceived by sex. Babies can be prevented by knowledge, but they cannot be prevented with ignorance.

To compound the problem of sexual ignorance (and if there is one thing that the Fundies excel in, it is making a problem worse), these fallen women are having babies out of wedlock, the little bastards. So to compound the compounded problem, the fundies are working to make it legal for doctors to lie to their patients about the health of the fetus, force the women to listen to what may or may not be a hearbeat and watch a home video via a slut-shaming process to vile for words.

So how is this ban on sex actually happening? Look to your local school district. Chances are that at least one fundamentalist Christian is on the board of education and is tinkering with Health Science curriculum. Just like the “Intelligent Design” issue (“Creationism with Lab Coats”), the Fundies are promoting abstinence over sex education.

Oh, and go to your local chain pharmacy and take note of where the condoms are located: inside a locked cabinet. You can usually spot it because there are some staring-at-the-floor teenage boys hanging around, with a sort of Summer of ’42 assortment of odds and ends in their shopping baskets. Now bear in mind that these are the boys that are trying to be responsible, and they are being shamed too. Ask the store manager why they are punishing the good kids. I dare you.

The First Amendment (discussed more and more frequently in this category here at MPS and elsewhere) states very clearly that the state cannot establish a religion nor can it promote a belief. You get to believe whatever you want, and no one can tell you otherwise.

So here is the snowball turning into an avalanche: abstinence-only sex education is an attempt to enforce a belief, and indirectly establish a religion (your tax dollars at work to keep women barefoot and pregnant). Banning abortion is an attempt to enforce a religious belief, as is keeping the rubbers out of the hands of boys. All of this is an attempt to establish an orthodoxy based upon a religious belief.

#AgaintTheocracy

Scissorheads –

Welcome to the 6th year of the Blog Against Theocracy.

As is our tradition at Mock, Paper, Scissors, we begin with an invocation from our late and much loved Xristi M, who passed away in December of 2006. This is a poem she left in a comment for us. Xristi used her incredible intelligence as a sword and shield, but she let her Christian faith guide her. She would have loved the Blog Against Theocracy.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS
Dedicated to the Absolutely Sure of Absolutely Everything
From Someone Who Isn’t
(c) XristiM 1998-2006

Into their Lazarus mouths they pop
God like round peppermint lozenges,
and with their resurrected teeth
grind Him small,
roll the bits with their tongues,
flooding them with saliva and
the exhalations of digestion.
Then they amble forth
to perform the work for which
they have anointed themselves
and each other,
breathing the judgment of an angry God strongly
into the nostrils of others.

We can hear them at a distance,
from close enough can detect the stench
of self-righteousness.
And a wary eye can detect them in our midst,
with coats that show glossy fronts,
but on their backs,
hidden from their view
and from ours
unless we trouble ourselves to look,
reveal scraps and patches
like bandages over festering sores.

We may protest, draw back in distaste,
alarmed to have God thrust upon us
smelling so pungently of mint
and the charnel house,
but they are relentless in pursuit
of fleeing souls.
They paralyze us with their certainty
that God lives in their mouths.

For myself, I think the God has filed
His change of address:
He resides
not in the mouth, but in the heart.

Just a reminder that the blogswarm starts tomorrow and continues through Sunday. The theme (as always) is the Separation of Church and State. We are for it

Unlike the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup ads of ‘yore, these are two great tastes that don’t belong together. It’s not just that theocrats have the potential to ruin our democracy, but government intrusion in their belief system could be just as bad. Everyone benefits by keeping the sacred and the secular apart.

Anyway, if any Scissorheads want to write something over the weekend, and you would like me to post it here, let me know in the comments. Otherwise, if you write something at your own blog, please be sure to read the instructions at the Blog Against Theocracy clearing house, to ensure that your post is linked there. The instructions will be coming soon.

Our modest goal is to become a trending topic on the Google and the Twitters and to raise awareness of the creeping theocracy. Blog Against Theocracy uses the hashtag #AgainstTheocracy on Twitter and Facebook to promote our posts.

The creeping theocracy continues, and as always it starts with the schools:

Tennessee Gov. Bill Haslam (R) will “probably” sign a bill meant to protect teachers who allow students to question and criticize “controversial” scientific theories such as evolution, he told reporters on Monday.

Next up, Quadratic Formula: Fact or Witchcraft?

(HuffPo)

Even Andy Richter is getting in on the act!

Just a reminder, the Blog Against Theocracy blogswarm is this weekend (Friday through Sunday), and its purpose is to remind people why we have a firewall between Church and State; it is not an opportunity for bashing religion. I don’t care if you worship The Dead Guy, a rock, or the FSM, just don’t force it on me. And I promise not to foist my beliefs on you.

(BuzzFeed)

“…to say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes me want to throw up.”

–Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I

(Frothy was doubling-down on his statement from last fall that he “almost threw up” after reading JFK’s 1960 speech in which he declared his commitment to the separation of church and state, which makes perfect sense that the first Catholic President would make the would-be second Catholic president barf.)

“I don’t believe in an America where the separation of Church and state is absolute. The idea that the Church can have no influence and no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country. This is the First Amendment. The First Amendment says the free exercise of religion — that means bringing in everybody, people of faith and no faith into the public square.”

–Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I

Regular readers know that MPS is a sarcastic humor blog with a heart – sure, we nip at the heels of pontificating poltroons, take the low road while riding the high horse, and generally misbehave with the misbegotten; but we do it because Scissorheads genuinely want to make the world a better place, and sometimes you have to take no prisoners in the culture wars.

The theme, like always, is the Separation of Church and State — we are for it. But the variations on the theme are many. I want to stress that this is not an anti-religion activity — I personally do not care if you worship a rock, a picture of Elvis or some other dead guy, or nothing at all in a church, mosque, temple or at the local bar — this is a reminder that the Government should keep out of religion, and Religion should keep out of the government.

So please, Please, PLEASE join us Easter Weekend. And remember, if Jeebus sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter.

…disease?

Sweet baby Jeebus playing doctor! The National Institute of Health spent $660,000 dollars studying the effectiveness of praying away AIDS.

(The Friendly Atheist)

The United States of Amnesia:

…The Alabama town of Bay Minette was poised to implement an unconstitutional plan that would effectively allow minor offenders to be sentenced to a year of church attendance, under penalty of imprisonment if they missed a Sunday service. In the wake of national press attention widely condemning the unconstitutional plan, the town will delay implementing the program in order to re-examine whether the plan is legal.

I can save them the time to examine the plan: it is patently illegal.

(Think Progress)

Tennessee’s Republican-dominated House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would protect teachers who want to challenge the theory of human evolution.

Thursday’s 70-28 passage of HB 368 was hailed by sponsor Rep. Bill Dunn, R-Knoxville, who said the proposal was designed to promote “critical thinking” in science classes.

Critical thinking? As Daria Morgendorffer once said, “Don’t worry, I don’t have low self-esteem. It’s a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.”

Tennessee just took pole position for Crazeee States 2012.

(CBS)

“Where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?”

I suggest you go back to masturbation studies, Christine. You are absolutely not fit for any elected office. If the Teabaggers are a joke, you are the punchline.

(TPM)

O’Donnell said the road to seeking elected office has been rocky. In 2008, she endured personal attacks and even vandalism in her run against then Sen. Joe Biden. It would have been easy to give up, but she says God wouldn’t “release her.”

“God continued to strengthen and empower us,” O’Donnell said. “His strength is perfected in our weakness and that’s what’s exciting, because you see that if it weren’t for faith, when all logic said it’s time to quit — we pursued.”

“We marched on because we knew God was not releasing us to quit and now with such an important lame duck session you realize why we were to endure all that stuff,” she added.

And so when you lose, No’Donnell, will you also tell us that it was God’s Will?

Lookit, I’m not much of a believer in anything, having famously said that I don’t even believe the next Kleenex will pop up, but it seems to me that from football games to elections, both sides pray and one side or the other loses. Why doesn’t the losing side then say that it was God’s will?

There is no doubt in my mind that Mooselini is a theocrat, and her doppleganger Christine No’Donnell is one too. What they represent and their agenda — I think anyway — is the completion of the circle: no birth control, no abortions, no masturbation, sex is only for procreation.

While they are good for a laugh, their agenda is not funny in the slightest. Their vision of Freedom is that the government they want will control what you can and cannot do in your pants.

We should have a federal law that says sharia law cannot be recognized by any court in the United States. The law will let judges know that no judge will remain in office that tried to use sharia law.

Separation of Church and State, Newtie, we got it covered. You might want to read about it, you assrocket.

Yipes! What’s going on here? Orrin Hatch is in cahoots with Osama Bin Laden? Is there a sleeper cell in the Senate? Was Sharron Angle right about domestic enemies within those hallowed walls? Is this just one distrusted and loathed religion sticking up for another distrusted and loathed religion?

…if the Muslims own that property, that private property, and they want to build a mosque there, they should have the right to do so… And there’s a huge, I think, lack of support throughout the country for Islam to build that mosque there, but that should not make a difference if they decide to do it. I’d be the first to stand up for their rights.

Oh, wait. Property rights are more dear to the GOP than life itself (unless that life is a fetus, in which case all bets are off until the baby is born and then is deprived of its rights).

(TPM)

Who could have predicted that his plan to burn Koran’s could inflame outrage?

If building an Islamic center near ground zero amounts to the epitome of Muslim insensitivity, as critics of the project have claimed, what should the world make of Terry Jones, the evangelical pastor here who plans to memorialize the Sept. 11 attacks with a bonfire of Korans?

Mr. Jones, in a lengthy interview at his church, said he sincerely hoped that his planned Koran-burning would not lead to violence. He dismissed the idea that it could put American troops at greater risk, and — echoing his sermons — he said that his church was being persecuted.

He said his bank recently demanded immediate repayment of the $140,000 balance on the church mortgage; that his property insurance had been canceled since he announced in late July that he intended to burn copies of the Koran; and that death threats now come in regularly.

“We have to be careful,” he said. He tapped a holster on the right hip of his jean shorts; it held a .40-caliber pistol, which he said he was licensed to carry. “The overall response,” he added, “has been much greater than we expected.”

Now he’s done it! Jean shorts?!

(NYTimes)

“Assimilation is the upside of discrimination.”

What an assrocket.

Just in case you missed it, besides wanting to outlaw all abortions under all circumstances, Angle wants prayer in school, gay rights over-turned, and the Clergy to make endorsements from the pulpit.

No word on those slimming burquas or when the stoning of adulterers will start, but Nevada has a lot of rocks and high unemployment. I think I smell a growth industry!

(HuffingtonPost)

[T]hese programs that you mentioned — that [President] Obama has going with [Harry] Reid and [Nancy] Pelosi pushing them forward — are all entitlement programs built to make government our God. And that’s really what’s happening in this country is a violation of the First Commandment. We have become a country entrenched in idolatry, and that idolatry is the dependency upon our government. We’re supposed to depend upon God for our protection and our provision and for our daily bread, not for our government.”

– Sharron Angle, in a little noticed interview with Christian Radio this past spring

Pilot Online

Oakwood Elementary’s principal was placed on administrative leave Friday as school officials investigated why life like, 4-inch-long plastic fetus dolls were given to dozens of third-, fourth- and fifth-grade students.

We’ve seen indoctrination before, but this one takes the cake. Plastic fetus dolls? Anyway, the Xristian Xrazy principal also was coercing staff and students to attend Bible Study and pray before tests. Some of the teachers of other faiths walked out of staff meetings which began with prayers and requests to testify.

(Hat tip: Tex and Dimitrios)

Our Winner from the Pin the Tail on the Theocrat Contest is Scissorhead Mac from Oregon who got ever single theocrat right at first try, even in Pig Latin and with an outragous French Accent!

Bravo, and well done Mac! Please contact me at teangrain AT mocpaperscissors DOT com to claim your prize.

Absolutely honorable mentions to Abo Gato and Batacchio!

Eastern Bluebird

As we now draw to a close another Blog Against Theocracy, and I think it is time for a word on Faith (and for once, I am not talking about Buffy’s friend). It might seem sort of strange to hear me talk about it, given that I generally do not even have faith that the next Kleenex will pop up.

Faith is what we turn to when science and reasoning cannot help us, faith gives us something to cling to during dark times. I read someplace that everyone should have a mental image that soothes you so that in times of deep stress you can picture whatever this image is and meditate upon it and find some peace.

My mental image is of a beautiful California day, of some birds building a nest — it is actually my earliest memory as a wee tot. I was looking out of my bedroom window at the red tile roof of the house next door and I watched some little birds build a nest under one of the tiles. I watched for days and days. I remember the day that the baby birds fledged.

I needed that mental image a lot during the last 8 years as we learned about torture and wiretapping, and the destruction of our freedoms and liberties. I needed that mental image as the Theocrats, unchallenged made an unprecedented grab for power, not only unobstructed but cheered on by the usual suspects. I lost faith that anyone would stop them.

Faith might be the substantiation of Hope.

So while faith – in the religious sense – might be outside of my experience, hope is not. I hoped that we would survive the Chimpy years, but I did not have faith that we would. Having once been fluent in French, I took conversational French classes in adult education, figuring that it doubled my chances of finding somewhere else to live when the time came to flee the United States. I wish I could say that I am kidding, but it is true. I thought that there was a very good chance it would come down to that. I hoped that it would not.

So now, here we are, starting our second year without Chimpy. We made it. It will take years, probably decades to undo all the damage he and the theocrats did to the country – it might be generations, really, but already things are getting somewhat better.

Western Bluebird

Today, Easter Sunday, is a rainy day, just bucketing down, which is somewhat unusual here in California; we’ve had an earthquake in Baja California that was felt as far away as Phoenix Arizona (and I felt it too); the ongoing sex scandal is rocking the Vatican; Obama has increased the funding for The Office of Faith Based Initiatives. We are slogging through the worst economy since the Great Depression. We have a lot of work to do, and there is so much to be done. And yet…

I hope that Spring will come, and that the birds will return and build nests again. I have faith that they will.

See, true believers, we are not so far apart after all!

Thank you, everyone, for joining Mock, Paper, Scissors in the 2010 Blog Against Theocracy; it was good to have you with us.

Our great good friend and allie, our Ape Overlord from the Future, Dr. Zaius has re-animated the dead revived his classic and award winning Blog Against Theocracy post of years back. It is so worth the click.

Sweet Baby Jeebus, it’s finally over!

Today we bring you the last theocrat, there is only one, as we conclude our exciting Blog Against Theocracy theocratic contest… but let us recap the rules for the innocent only just now joining us, shall we?

Each day of the BAT, we have posted a graphic of a few theocrats; by the conclusion of the BAT if you have correctly identified all the theocrats, your name will go into a random drawing to win your choice of theocrat’s graphic! Huzzah!

Place your answer in the comments – you must identify all the theocrats. No special rules today for noted fluent Pig Latinist and poet, a man who knows his alphabet Scissorhead Mac from Oregon, except that his answers should be written with a ridiculous French accent.

So, without further ado, here are all the theocrats:

	Theocrat	Clue	How to Spot in the Wild
Theocrat 1		This former GOP Presidential Candidate is noted for getting calls from God on his cell phone.	Eating roadkill.
Theocrat 2		This theocrat does not believe in evolution, only in “animals that he allows to live.”	Getting his back waxed, or fighting Kareen Abul Jabbar.
Theocrat 3		This theocrat has a world-wide radio empire, and received his degree in Psychology from the University of Spoiled Children.	Beating children.
Theocrat 4		This theocrat believes that God punished New Orleans for a Gay Pride parade.	In Israel, trying to nudge The Rapture.
Theocrat 5		This theocrat, when not running away from his record, is perpetually running for GOP President and is deeply mistrusted by all other theocrats.	Bitch-slapping rappers on airplanes, strapping dogs to the roof of his car.
Theocrat 6		This theocrat, also a former GOP presidential candidate, blames Haitians for their devastating earthquake, saying that God was punishing them for taking away the property rights of others when they broke free from slavery.	Weight lifting.
Theocrat 7		This theocrat says that God has her crown in heaven. Noted for being Maggie Gallagher’s shower-nozzle masturbation fetish object.	Filming soft-core porn, or finger-banging.
Theocrat 8		This Hawaiian shirt-wearing theocrat claims to be nonpolitical.	In Uganda working behind the scenes to legalize killing gays and lesbians, or in California working to deny gays and lesbians civil rights.
Theocrat 9		This theocrat, who is rumored to be running for the GOP nomination, is worried about man-on-dog action.	Surrounded by his theocratic family, including the stillborn one.
Theocrat 10		This theocrat is one of the leading advocates that the US was founded as a Xristian Nation.	In Texas where he claims to be an historian and “contributing” to schoolbooks.
Theocrat 11		This theocrat, born in Cleveland, says that America was founded to destroy Islam.	Dodging tax investigations.

For more information about the Blog Against Theocracy, please visit the website. If you would like to pick up BAT badges for your blog, they are available on my Flickr page. These are the same theocrats you will find in the contest!