Mock, Paper, Scissors

A brokered convention: Jeb Bush vs. Sarah Palin

PLEASE!

(The Hill — Read the comments for shits and giggles. Seriously, I died laughing. )

The Narcissus Borealis gets the star treatment she so richly deserves.

I just realized the Newticles did indeed soar on the wings of cheating eagles yesterday as Mooselini predicted in her word salad.

It takes brass balls after that to lecture us on the sanctity of marriage, but then again… South Carolina has made a sort of name for itself in this business of walking the Appalachian Trail.

There were no talking moose (not counting Bullwinkle)

…Grifty McQuitter:

You know, in case any of you were worried that Mooselini was becoming self-aware.

Oh, man, has all of America forgotten our sweetheart, Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin? There she was working her fingers to the nubbins to bring us quality entertainment like Sarah Palin’s Alaska, and we were so ungrateful that we didn’t watch it. The shame, the shame.

Anyway, Mooselini picked herself up by the bootstraps, dusted herself off, and is now offering a new reality program based upon the exploits of her monosyllabic anger-troll husband Todd. It seems that Quitty McGrifter hopes that everyone will be interested in watching him drive his snowplow on the frozen tundra of their marriage and what not and that the networks would pay her 1M Ameros per episode for the pleasure of watching white people in white snow.

The score so far:

But for now, TLC owner Discovery Communications has passed, say sources. And A&E Networks, which entered into a bidding war with Discovery for Sarah Palin’s Alaska, also is not interested.

(Hollywood Reporter)

Mooselini will not seek the GOP Nomination for the 2012 Goat Rodeo. Quitter’s gotta quit.

Crap. This material doesn’t write itself. Thank Dawg for Bachmann-the-Nut!

(TPM has the word salad announcement.)

“I hired Sarah Palin because she was hot and got ratings.”

– Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes

(AP H/T Skinny-D)

Sarah Palin Offered $1 Million To Take Lie Detector Test

Does anyone think that Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin is capable of turning down $1M? Me Neither!

Still, I feel sorry for the machine that would have to record Mooselini’s various word-salad spins. From telling us her favorite color to little Algorithm’s parentage, the lie detector would whimper and hide under the bed.

(RADAR)

Scissorheads-

I’ve let you down. There I was busy earning some valuable Ameros when the alleged news broke out that Mooselini is as pure as her children, which is not.

In the book, which will be published on September 20th, McGinniss claims Sarah had a steamy interracial hookup with basketball stud GLEN RICE less than a year before she eloped with her husband Todd… In the book, McGinniss quotes Rice as confirming the one-night stand.

Is it true? Who knows, and who cares, it is pretty funny, and I’m sure we will be hearing the roar of denials from all of her army of orcs.

Anyway, The Inquierer has the deets.

“Polls are for strippers…” What?

Mooselini update - 71% of voters hope that part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin will not enter the 2012 Goat Rodeo. (Fox News Poll – for strippers? Yes.)

News that will drive you to drink

• Going is OK, it’s returning that bothers me - Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin will visit South Korea Next month. Anyway, Mooselini will speak at the World Knowledge Forum in Seoul, and considering she has no knowledge or soul, well… (Political Ticker)
• Denials 1- Preferred dominatrix of the previous junta Condoleeza Rice resents what she viewed as an attack on her integrity by former Vice President Dick Cheney in his just-published memoir. Mistress Condi denies she cried in the presence of the prince of darkness Blam-Blam’s presence. (Reuters)
• Denials 2 - Dimwit theocrat Texas Governor Rick Perry claims that there no skeletons in his past:
  

  “I can assure you that there is nothing in my life that will embarrass you if you decide to support me for president.

  “Just stay away from my closet, honey,” he did not say. “Oooh, say, y’all have Marcus’ phone number?”

  (The Texas Tribune)

Rupert Murdochs own Orcs report that part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin is no longer confirmed as the headliner for some teabagger hoo-haw in Iowastan:

Ms. Palin is known for last-minute schedule changes that whipsaw supporters and media across the country. But the latest decision is puzzling. Ms. Palin’s speech at the rally was viewed as her most high-profile appearance of the summer, fueling speculation she was indeed plotting to run for the Republican presidential nomination.

So why back out?

The former governor’s team decided to back out Tuesday night after rally organizers re-invited Ms. O’Donnell to speak on stage. Organizers had booked Ms. O’Donnell, who lost her 2010 bid for a U.S. Senate seat from Delaware, to speak but quickly withdrew the invitation in an effort to avoid controversy.

Oh, so it is sorta like that Mirror-mirror jealousy thing? I’m so confused.

(WSJ)

Quitty McQuitter Quits Again!

Afterall, Mooselini only resumed it 4 days ago, so this was a pretty good show for Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter.

(Politico)

Wow! that’s like waiving red meat in front of, um, a Taaaaaahd.

…shows their usual mastery of stagecraft.

Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin has released another commercial for brand Grift.

So it seems Mooselini is crashing the Tea Party Prom in Iowa, seeing if she can be crowned the queen or the princess or whatever it is called (and raise money, never forget the money) without having to compete (they are allowing write-ins for the first time ever–allegedly for Rick Perry but that might backfire), and you know the media is going to be slathering and drooling over her every move.

The good news is that she will probably knock the low-hanging fruit (Frothy and Tea-Paw) out of the narrative. The bad news is that she will revive speculation in her candidacy.

Alaska’s part time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin is a grandma for the second (or third) time!

And Mooselini needs some help naming the 6-month premature, 9-lb infant girl.

The Palin naming rules are simple:

• Boys are named after abstract nouns (Track) or advanced math that they will never understand (Algorithm) and must be one syllable begin with a TR-sound. (Trick? Trug? What was the first or second grandchild’s name?)
• Girls are named after places (Bristol), plants (Willow), or products (Piper) and must begin with a pursed-lip sound and be two syllables.

For a full 1/2 pt. towards your final degree, name that baby!

Torture enthusiast Sean Hannity asks part-time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin her opinion about VP Joe Biden correctly allegedly calling the teabaggers terrorists. Somehow, Mooselini manages–in her nutty little squirrel brain, watch it spin–to make her answer about Obama and Bill Ayers.

–Tengrain

BuzzFeed

…to see if this works on Sarah Palin^®! Who wants in?

Regards,

Tengrain

Quitting is not just a job for part time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin^®: for Mooselini it’s a vocation, a calling.

(Hat tip: Wonkette via Scissorhead Moeman)

Get your $50 popcorn and your 5-gallon jug of GMO-corn syrup death-bubbles, Iowa – Tonight is the premier of Mooselini’s mockumentory, Undefecated¹, the tell-nothing story of Palin^®‘s rise to fame and grifting fortune, as told by an idiot full of sound and fury and whatnot.

Mooselini and Taaaahd are expected to be in the house (spoiling things for the 7 Dwarves of the 2012 Goat Rodeo), too, so you can have your picture taken with her for a fee. I’m sure it’s reasonable. I’m sure she will also have copies of her books — neither of which she wrote, but who cares–that you can purchase. And for those of you illiterate slobs, you can just donate some money to SaraPac to get her back on her bus tour.

–Tengrain

1. We added a “c” to the movie title because really the movie is about a major “C”.

Hey guys, remember that time that Alaska’s part-time Governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin^® said she was going to travel by bus to, you know, all the primary states for summer vacation? Me Neither! Anyway, Mooselini quit the tour and returned to her snow palace to figure out the next grift.

It’s what Paul Revere did, after all.

–Tengrain

(TPM)

Newly en-chinned grifter Brisket^® Palin has done used up all her crayons an’ writ a book! And you DFH bastards who thought she was illiterate, well, I got news for you: her parents are married, and to each other!

Anyway, in her whinging and whining analog paper thingy, Brisket^® reveals that she passed out on wine coolers and that cad, Levi Johnston, took advantage of her! Yup, she really wants us to believe that. Oh, she also reveals that Soyblo basically ignored her.

We still love SoyBlo best.

(ABC News)

You know that Griftzilla has been practising this joke, waiting to be asked about Weiner.

–TG

Hey guys, remember the time when some college-dude hacked into Mooselini’s email account and she prosecuted him to the full-extent of the law and he ended up doing time behind bars and her mouth-breathers wanted him in prison for life if not executed? Me Neither!

Anyway, it seems that Mooselini’s D’oh’rcs have learned how to hack into Twitter accounts and they are tweeting praise for their master!

PoliticsUSA

PoliticusUSA contacted Crivella West asking them/potentially warning them about their Twitter account. They replied that didn’t know about the biased tweets; it wasn’t them, and they were checking it out. Since then, MSNBC picked up the PoliticusUSA story and added this statement from Crivella West’s CEO, Art Crivella, “It appears that there is a ‘hole’ in one of the applications (we think Facebook) that links to Twitter. We’ve disabled them and mopped up the bile and changed all the passwords.” Crivella further told MSNBC, “It appears that in this case ‘hacking’ means sending out spam tweets pretending to be us. I think real hackers might be offended.”

So we should all be vigilant: the mouth-breathers have become self-aware!

(PoliticsUSA)

New York Magazine must have a better gag reflex than Callista Gingrich because they decided to catalog Sarah Palin bitching about gotcha questions!

Yeah, it’s link bait, but the videos are tremendous. Or instead, you could look at the movie I put together yesterday which covers much the same material and has sharks and Brisket^® doing her dance of the seven veils:

…she’s not nuts:

Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.

Mooselini is trying to get a photo-op with the Iron Lady to boost her GOP street cred, but it seems to be going nowhere. The Brits are polite, but they also know a grifter when they see one.

(Guardian UK)

(hat tip Scissorhead Mike Flugennock via email)