Mock, Paper, Scissors

…any Scissorheads win the Lotto?

(Sorry for the absence yesterday; I had a full day–in the pouring rain–helping some friends, then drinks, dinner, and bed.)

“Honey, let’s hold hands!”

“Not right now, dear, I’ve got Santorum on them.”

(Hat tip: Financial Armegeddon via Dependable Renegade)

(Amazon)

News that will drive you to drink

Petunia and Pals tells their viewers to vote Republican. Sweet Jeebus… (H/T Watertiger)

• Maggie Gallagher, the notorious homophobe and founder of the failed social engineering organization NOM that would deny marriage equality to gay Americans, says that she doesn’t apologize for any of the projects listed in the incriminating memo that surfaced this week. But here’s the kicker:
  
  

  We didn’t cause or create this [Ed. - Keep f***ing that chicken, Maggie], and frankly if we could get together with the gay community, and take the idea that it’s bigoted or discriminatory to stand up for marriage off the table for black people or for white people, we’d be happy to do it.[...]

  Nice race-baiting wedge of homophobia of an offer there, Maggie. (Think Progress)

• Speaking of NOM, we now come to Willard 2.0 who secretly funneled $10,000 to the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) in 2008 through the Alabama chapter of his Free and Strong America PAC. Oh, and the magical panties enthusiast Willard may have violated California Disclosure Laws, and this provides an interesting Lexis between the Mormon Church and the Proposition 8 Campaign, which has long been denied. (Think Progress)
• Hey guys, remember that time that Indiana’s long serving Senator Dick Lugar (Motto: dumber than a rock and less useful) was denied voting in his own district and in his state since he moved out in 1978? Me Neither!, but anyway Lugar is now returned to the voter roles in Indiana using a field that his family has owned/operated since 1938. And the White Wingnuts are worried about voter fraud? (TPM)

Sweet Jeebus, maybe the tinfoil hat crowd was right?

“The 43rd president backed John McCain, his fellow Republican, former rival, and uneasy ally. But Bush told his French counterpart that his twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, made no secret of their allegiance to Obama, who wielded a strong generational appeal, according to Jean-David Levitte, the former French Ambassador to the United States who was then in Paris as Sarkozy’s top foreign policy advisor.”

“Bush believed that Obama would win because his twins swore by him,” Levitte told Le Monde’s Arnaud Leparmentier in an article in the French newspaper today.

That f***er is responsible for the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby!

(BuzzFeed)

News you can use all day

Petunia and Pals guest: “I Call [Obama] The Pond Scum President”

• Endorsements! - Budget-wielding Medicare Killer and blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash wannabee Paul Ryan has just endorsed Willard 2.0. “We Killbots need to stick together,” Ryan did not say. “Crush, kill, destroy!,” he did not conclude. (The Fix)
• When good pandering goes bad - We don’t know how we missed it, but when Willard 1.0 (the 2008 model) was in Florida, he tried to pander to the local Cuban ex-pats by repeating a beloved slogan from their home country. Trouble is, he garbled it and said the tagline preferred by Castro, Fatherland or Death, we will prevail.. however, Newticles used Willard saying it in his Florida advertisements. (Miami Herald)
• Good news! - An astonishing 931,000+ signatures were found valid in the recall campaign to oust notorious wall-eyed git and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, and the number required was 540,208. Lt. Gov Rebecca Kleefisch’s recall received 808,990 valid signatures, making her the popular asset of the Koch Brothers Wisonsin subsidiary. (TPM)

“All better.”

Oh, and need I add, SQUEEEEEEEE!

(BuzzFeed)

News that will drive you to drink

• OK, guys, we keep hearing that no one likes magical panties enthusiast Willard 2.0 and yet he is winning the delegate count; go figure. Meanwhile, that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Pope Sanctomonious I is losing the delegate count, but hot damn! (literally? yes) The wingnuts love them some frothy theocrats. Anyway, here’s the latest data point that proves Willard is doomed and Frothy will be raptured up in the nude to the White House: hardly anyone is buying the Team Willard shirts (See above on the corpse in the grass): only 346 have sold. Now compare and contrast that to the ugly sweater vest preferred by Xristian Xrazy scolds: 3,000. (WaPo)
• Speaking of Willard, what about his super-secret meeting with staff-banging serial-adulterer Newticles? Willard is now admitting that he did indeed meet with Noot in the traditional undisclosed hotel room preferred by GOPers on the low-down everywhere (Hubba-hubba!), but says that nothing happened (Sad Panda). We imagine Newticles demanded Willard release his delegates or else Moon Colony 1 will attack! And offered 10 minutes with Callista to sweeten the deal. (TPM)
• And as long as we mentioned Frothy in our first item, we thought we should follow up with his latest endorsement, this one from Pastor Steven Andrews: “Rick Santorum is from God and will win with Christians and Catholics uniting for Santorum.” Just citing recent Catholic history, they are united for Santorum in a big way (ewww, gross). (Christian News Wire)

News you can use all day

Our pal Notorious Pee-hag, and expert rim jobber, who knows a thing or two about giving head, and who likes to describe his package, and is as straight as any freshly waxed, Top-Gun Vollyball player, Xristian Xrazy Doug Giles from Town Hall tells us about clothing.

• New Super Pac to go up against Willard 2.0 - It was bound to happen, and I’m surprised it has not happened sooner: introducing the Animal Lovers Against Romney Super PAC, in honor of Seamus, the family dog strapped to one of the roofs of the Romney fleet of luxury cars while on a vacation looking for a suitable elevator, or something. (Politico)
• Performance Appraisals - Business interests are griping that after spending millions of dollars to elect Wingnuttians to Congress in 2010 that they have not seen enough of a return on their investments. (NYTimes)
• The Human Hindenberg’s advertisement problems are predicted to resolve. Even Media Matters thinks that the pressure is off Junkie Limbaugh, the public has moved on. (WaPo)

News that will drive you to drink

• Theocracy on the March - Jeebus, some people! Anyway a Xristian Xrazy Organization had a revelation and now is praying for the angels who helped the Founding Fathers to frame the US Constitution to smite Obamacare, or something:
  

  “The strategy for the nine US Supreme Court judges that are hearing the case of constitutionality on Obamacare involves asking the Father to send angels to prick the hearts of the judges that they would follow the original intent of the framers of the Constitution.”

  I think it is safe to say that there a lot of pricks sitting on the bench. AmIRight? (The Oak Initiative!)

• You Got Your Birther in My Second Amendment Remedies! - Hahaha! Orly Taitz, the Birther Queen and Sharron Angle, the Nevada Nut Job that couldn’t beat Harry Reid, are teaming up to… wait for it… fight election fraud! I’ll bring the popcorn, this should be a great show. (HuffPo)
• Horse heads - Clearly no one programmed Willard 2.0 to recognize pop culture softball questions (Hugh Hewitt’s stock in trade), but doesn’t the moneyed elite even know the urtext of The GodFather?
  

  Hewitt: Yesterday, the president’s campaign manager said that you are the godfather of Obamacare … if that’s who you are, can you make the Democrats an offer they can’t refuse to repeal it?

  Romney: (laughing) That’s a great idea. We counted, by the way, that Mr. Plouffe is the Rumpelstiltskin of trying to turn straw into gold. He will not be successful. I can tell you one thing. If I’m the godfather of this thing, then it gives me the right to kill it.

  And that is why you don’t want magical panties enthusiasts to be your child’s Godfather. The end. (NYMag)

“You’re not gonna use the pink ball. We’re not gonna let you do that. Not on camera. Friends don’t let friends use pink balls.”

Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I

“Santorum was bowling with the University of Wisconsin at La Crosse College Republicans. Wisconsin holds its presidential primary next Tuesday.”

Have I mentioned recently what a prick Frothy is?

(Raw Story)

News you can use all day

Bennie-the-Rat wants to have fun south of the border, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

• The Worlds Most Successful Book Tour^® – Staff-banging serial-adulterer Newticles is firing his staff, you know, to control costs and to prepare for the Big Choice Convention:
  
  

  “We think that a big part of how we succeed is getting back to core Gingrich, which is a focus on big ideas and positive solutions…”

  Back to the core Gingrich? That involves kneepads, right? (Politico)

• We hate him, we really hate him - The Willard 2.0 is a stunning success! In just the very few weeks from roll-out, 52% of the country hates him, but none as much as the moderates and independents. (Mother Jones)
• ¡Geraldo! weeps for thee - What with all the attention being paid to hoodies-owners being gunned-down in the streets, it was only a matter of time until the NRA made a hoodie with a concealed gun pouch. (NRA Store)

News that will drive you to drink

Satan walks amongst us!

• Bats*** Crazy - The latest poll shows that 43% of registered mouth-breathing paste-eaters want The Death March with Cocktails, er, GOP convention to be brokered. I guess that is shorthand for still hating Willard? Yes. (CNN Poll — fair warning: it’s a PDF)
• 100th Anniversaries - No, not of Phyllis Schlafly’s hair-do, but of the sinking of the Titanic! And where better to celebrate a watery death than Branson Missouri, home of sturdy Rockette Wannabes, ’80s second-tier comedians (Yakoff Smirnoff, anyone?), and endless buffets of fried bits:
  

  Doug Phillips founded the Christian Boy’s and Men’s Titanic Society in 1997, and each year the society hosts a gathering on the anniversary of Titanic’s sinking to commemorate the legacy of male chivalry demonstrated on board the ship when the great ocean liner foundered. The society stands for the proposition that the strong must sacrifice for the weak, that greater love has no man than he lay down his life for another, and that the doctrine of “women and children first” must be preserved.

  (Christian News Wire)

• The Children’s Crusade Redux - One of the golden nuggets found in the cynical NOM strategy document is that they proposed “to hire a staff member at $50,000 a year “to identify children of gay parents willing to speak on camera.” Um, looks like they never found the victims that they so needed to complain about their gay parents. (Right Wing Watch)

News you can use all day

Wingnuttia on parade! They are chanting (poorly) “Pay for it yourself” in front of the Supreme Court.

• Hey guys, remember that time when Willard bought a $16 Million tear-down Mansion in La Jolla and was planning on building a basement that is larger than the entire existing mansion? Me Neither!, but anyway, we have a riddle for you: Q: what has 16 wheels, an elevator, and a lobbyist? The Garage of Willard’s new mansion! Oh, the elevator? It is for the 4 cars. (Politico)
• Hey guys, did you know that staff-banging serial adulterer Newticles is still in the 2012 Goat Rodeo? It’s True! Anyway, The World’s Most Successful Book Tour^® has taken on a new twist: he’s now charging $50 for that photo-op. Maybe that’s what they mean by retail politics? Yes. (National Journal)
• No kidding? – We missed this one the other day: due to some very strong Campaign Finance Disclosure Laws in Maine, we learn that ethics-challenged homophobe, former unwed mother and known beauty queen stalker, Chimpy’s shills for hire, the auture of the much-ridiculed Gathering Storm ad, Maggie Gallagher’s National Organization for Marriage was actually race baiting blacks and hispanics against gays. (Think Progress)

News that will drive you to drink

Documentary evidence that Frothy has a dirty mouth. Have we mentioned yet today what a prick he is?

• Grace, defined -
  

  “It felt really warm to know our son’s name had been mentioned by the President of the United States…His name is ringing all over the country, all over the nation, all over the world.”

  Trayvon Martin’s parents

  (Time Magazine)

• “Opposing gay rights doesn’t make someone anti-gay” – Honest to God, some people. Oh yeah: it’s a project of NOM. (The Blaze)
• Do they think it is an Apple Product Release? - Some of the elites inside the beltway have hired the unemployed to hold their place in line to get in to see the Supreme Court “in action,” which consists of Clarence Thomas not asking any questions, John Roberts humming show tunes, and Fat Tony picking his toe nails. (The Ticket)

News you can use all day

Black Walnut is a national treasure, attacking goldfish and now bunnies for politics.

• That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum called “bullshit” on a NYTimes reporter, literally. And you thought he was a Boy Scout? (TPM)
• O’bummer is still evolving on marriage equality,and David Plouffe is still spinning it. (Think Progress)
• And finally… the triumphant return of Petunia to Petunia and Pals:
  
  

(Another crazy day for me… sorry for the neglect again. — TG)

Rush finally admits it

Wow, let these directors have a go at a movie.

And I still laugh at this dude trying out as background singer. Andy Kaufman approves.

News that will drive you to drink

Keep your day job, Frothy. Oh, wait.

• Bad:

  This happened–

  

• Badder: Rep. Matthew Hill (R), the author of the Tennessee proposal that would have posted names and addresses of abortion doctors and their clients has withdrawn his bill after he received threats of violence against him. He doesn’t see the irony in this. (The Tennessean)
• Baddest: “Blacks Using Trayvon Martin Tragedy to Get Even with Whites, Gain Political Power” – Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson, Founder and President of BOND, the Brotherhood Organization of A New Destiny. And what’s worse, he sent it out on PRNewswire.

The car-b-que happened during some sort of St. Patrick’s day Parade, and well, duty called.

Still, off the shoulders is pretty daring for daytime, those scamps.

News you can use all day

(Petunia and Pals) Geraldo! blames Trayvon Martin sartorial choices for his death. (BTW Petunia is on Vacay)

• Obama finally comments on Trayvon Martin: “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.” (TPM)
• Endorsements! – That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter has given a back-handed endorsement to President Carebear: “Rick Santorum today suggested it would be better to stick with President Obama over a candidate that might be “the Etch A Sketch candidate of the future” — a shot at chief rival Mitt Romney.” (First Read)
• Hy guys, remember that time when Chimpy’s own mouthpiece Ari Fliescher hired infamous Xristian Xrazie woman-hating woman Karen Handle to work at Komen Race for the Exits and she immediately defunded Planned Parenthood and pretty much blew out the hull of the pink-washing giant’s donation-based fund raising? Me Neither!, but anyway, it’s official: executives are leaving, affiliates are quitting, fundraising has tanked and they are in full crisis mode. Thanks to Ari’s predictably deft touch at politicizing a non-profit, they have angered women on all sides, and maybe in their own death spiral. Maybe someone should buy Komen a nice, pink teddy bear. (KTVB)

(Watertiger dared me, and Driftglass double-dog dared me.)

News that will drive you to drink

Like the Swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano, The Death Panels returns to Fox News. And yes, that is the allegedly straight news program.

• No big deal – War criminal and traitor Karl Rove says that killing Bin Laden is no big deal:
  

  As for the killing of Osama bin Laden, Mr. Obama did what virtually any commander in chief would have done in the same situation. Even President Bill Clinton says in the film “that’s the call I would have made.” For this to be portrayed as the epic achievement of the first term tells you how bare the White House cupboards are.

  Except of course, Clinton didn’t say that. Jeebus, Turdblossom keep your lies straight. (The Plum Line)

• No cream in their coffee - The haters at the notoriously misguided social engineering theocracy wannabee National Organization for Marriage (NOM) is calling for a boycott of Starbucks. Why?
  

  Jonathan Baker, the Director of the ironically named ‘Corporate Fairness Project’ at the National Organization for Marriage, stood up today at the Starbucks shareholders meeting and asked if the company’s statement in support of same-sex marriage (that it is “core to who we are as a company”) came from the top down, Good as You reports.

  Starbucks chairman and CEO Howard Shultz then got a big round of applause from shareholders when he answered Baker:

  “I would assure you that the senior team at Starbucks discussed it, and it was, to be candid with you, not a difficult decision for us.”

  That’s gonna leave a mark. (Towleroad)

• No way! – Paul Ryan, Political Albatross (Capital Gains and Games)

Sorry for the light posting, it was one of those days. — Tengrain

News you can use all day

Petunia and Pals has Elsa, She-Wolf of the Nazis on every week? (Petunia is on vacay)

• The Susan G.Komen Race for the Exits, cont. -The fallout from hiring the nuttiest of Wingnuttians, Karen Handel, vice president for public policy, who immediately defunded Planned Parenthood, continues to rage away. Anyway, several executives at headquarters and affiliates are departing, questions are arising about fundraising ability, and structural changes underway to give affiliates more influence. (WaPo)
• Bad news for Frothy - Americans more than ever don’t like mixing religion and politics, according to a new poll. Or maybe we just don’t like Pope Frothy the Sanctimonious 1? Yes. (Reuters)
• You’re Fired! - A Georgia high school student body president was “fired” by his high school advisors because he wanted to make the Prom welcoming to gay students. And I guess now the kids know that in the real world you can get fired for anything, including being kind to gay kids. It’s an education. (Fenux)

News that will drive you to drink

Petunia and Pals gives blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash Wannabee a “C for Courage.” Actually he is a C-word, but it has nothing to do with courage.

• The Center for Policy and Budget says that if the Ryan Plan is adopted that “most of the federal government aside from Social Security, health care, and defense would cease to exist.”
• Woman-hating Woman Hates Women - It had to be AZ, leading contender for the Crazeeee State Award, right? Anyway Republican State Rep. Terri Proud came up with the idea of forcing women who want an abortion to watch another woman have an abortion. Because, you know, Jeebus. It’s like show-and-tell day there, every day. (Liberal Land)
• Staff-banging serial adulterer Newticles (who came in dead last place in Illinois) says that the second place finish of theocrat scold Pope Frothy the Sanctimonious I proves that Noot is the only one who can beat President Carebear. Wait, what? Anyway, Newticles is staying on his book tour, er, campaign trail. (The Hill)

speaks for itself

It must be near the end of the empire:

The talk of a brokered convention never seems to die down and one interesting finding on this poll was that Sarah Palin is far more popular than any of the actual Republican candidates in the race. Her net favorability is +48, with 68% of voters rating her favorably to only 20% with a negative opinion. That compares favorably to +29 for Santorum, +19 for Romney, and -26 for Paul.

Palin is someone GOP delegates might be able to unify around in the case of a hopelessly deadlocked convention. She is seen positively by Gingrich voters (85/7), Santorum supporters (80/10), and Romney ones (57/27) alike. That’s a contrast to Romney who is disliked by both Santorum (38/48) and Gingrich (32/54) voters and Santorum who is disliked by Romney (38/48) voters and only seen narrowly favorably by Gingrich (46/42) backers.

Imagine you are an idiot and a Wingnut, but I repeat myself. Anyway, imagine you feel so despondent between your choices of a shape-shifting robot, a theocrat panty-sniffer, a staff-banging serial adulterer, and some crypto Ayn Rand fetishist William Jennings Bryant-hater that Alaska’s part-time governor and full time grifter Mooselini might look pretty good to you.

(Public Policy Polling)

News you can use all day

Willard’s campaign aid says Willard is like an Etch-a-Sketch: hit a reset button and shake him up and start all over.

• Hey guys, remember that time when Indiana declared that their long-serving idiot Senator Dick lugar (Ed.: maybe we should have stuck with idiot?) was ineligible to vote in his own re-election because he moved out of the state in 1978? Me Neither!, but anyway Lugar is such a knucklehead that he’s appealing the ruling! His opponents are high-fiving each other for Sticky Dicky’s keeping the issue alive! (TPM)
• Consistency – Angry Leprechaun (magically delicious? No.) Ron Paul explains that he rejected having a Secret Service detail because it is like welfare: “It’s a form of welfare, having tax payers pay to take care of somebody. I’m an ordinary citizen and I would think I should pay for my own protection.” “Plus,” he did not say, “my Secret Service code name was going to be “stinky.”(Raw Story)
• Crying shame – Strangely orange-hued Speaker of the House Weepy Mc Drunky was spotted weeping during some Irish Music thing on St. Patricks’s Day. Can he be more cliché? Anyway, some poor slob over at Politico has been keeping a list of public embarrassments where Weepy turns on the waterworks. (Politico)

A message for Rep. Walter Jones (R – NC).

from Bristol’s Blog

the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree, or rather the pubic hair doesn’t fall far from the c____

 Is there a more pathetic excuse for parenting than Sarah Palin, and is there a more pathetic excuse for a “young mom” than Bristol Palin.

The least you could have done when you were porking Levi was to use  birth control = oh yea your mother’s political beliefs doesn’t believe women should have access to health care and contraception – but with all the money your grifter mother has she could have purchased the pills for you.

oh btw Bristol you are a slut – and I am not apologizing.

As Illinois goes to the polls, notable French Horn blower Callista Gingrich is the least liked political wife in the 2012 Goat Rodeo:

-Michelle Obama has a 54/34 favorability rating, compared to her husband’s 48/48 approval.

-Ann Romney has a 31/22 favorability rating, compared to her husband’s 33/58.

-Karen Santorum has a 31/27 favorability rating, compared to her husband’s 36/53.

-Callista Gingrich is actually pretty unpopular, with an 18/44 favorability rating. But it’s at least better than her husband’s 28/61.

(Public Policy Polling)