Newt Gingrich isn’t ruling out a 2016 presidential run.
“I don’t rule it out, but we’re not spending any energy on it,” Gingrich told reporters this morning at a National Review briefing on Capitol Hill.
Grifters gotta grift, and Callista needs a new bauble. Tiffany and Co. stock should recover soon.
OK, so why can’t people like [Obama deputy campaign manager] Stephanie Cutter get over [Mourdock's rape-is-a-gift-from-God comment]?
–Newticles on This Week With A Greek Dwarf
I reiterate: why is Noot invited back to these shows?
“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is so dead Mitt Romney wants to baptize it and Rick Santorum wants to put it in a jar and show it to his kids.”
–Jimmy Kimmel’s rejected joke from the Nerd Prom
…what do you plan to do?
Newticles always has a plan. It’s part of being a Bond villain.
But it didn’t throw him:
ST. LOUIS — At least one penguin at the St. Louis Zoo appears to be a feisty opponent of Newt Gingrich.
The Republican presidential candidate is sporting a small bandage on his finger after getting nipped by a small penguin during his tour of the zoo on Friday. Gingrich was in St. Louis to speak during the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting.
During his visit to the popular zoo in Forest Park, he was treated to a behind-the-scenes visit with two Magellanic penguins. One of them nipped Gingrich on the finger.
No word on the heroic penguin. We hope it doesn’t get Seamus-like runs.
Video of Callista social grooming Newticles – Secret Video: Newt Gingrich’s Creepy Wife Grooming Him Like a Circus Walrus
The moment when Callista pops on the screen, for me it was like when the Alien leaps out of Jon Hurt’s chest. I ran for the door!
(Gawker)
…is maybe winding down?
The last two print reporters covering Gingrich full-time on the trail — from POLITICO and the Atlanta Journal Constitution — pulled out on Friday. The Associated Press pulled its embed after Tuesday’s Illinois primary.
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya, Noot!
(Politico)
The crack research team at Mock, Paper, Scissors has done it again! We spent literally minutes compiling some of Newticles’ greatest moments in the 2012 Goat Rodeo.
Here is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to the Quotable Noot!
|
What he said |
Nifty supporting evidence |
|
|---|---|---|
| May 16 |
After Newticles blasts blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash wannabe Paul Ryan’s GOP budget plan as “social engineering,” a video of an Iowa voter asking Newt, “Why don’t you get out before you make a bigger fool of yourself?” goes viral. Newticles claims he did not say what he had said on national television, and blames the media. |
|
| May 18 |
As Noot continues to take fire, his spox Rick Tyler pens an epic poem. The poem includes the line: “out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich.” John Lithgow performs the press release, and it goes viral. |
The Colbert Report |
| June 9 |
Newticles campaign implodes for the first time as top aides, including legendary poet Tyler, depart en masse. Among other complaints, staffers cite Noot’s perplexing decision to take a week off in the middle of the campaign to go on a Greek cruise with his wife Callista. |
 |
| June 22 |
The WaPo reports that Newticles had a $500,000 to $1 million line of credit at Tiffany and Co. |
 |
| November 9 |
CNBC’s John Harwood asks Noot about his pseudo-lobbying work on behalf of Freddie Mac. Noot has a nifty response: “I offered advice, my advice as an historian.” A $300,000 historian? |
|
| November 19 |
Newticles tells the Occupy Wall Street movement to “go get a job, right after you take a bath.” |
|
| November 23 |
Newticles releases a new book on the Civil War, that, um, white washes history. Did he do it to compete with Callista’s time-traveling elephant book? |
 |
| December 2 |  |
|
| December 4 |
As he’s being buried by a deluge of negative campaign ads, Newticles expresses his dismay that politics has gotten so nasty. |
Newticles in ’78:“I think that one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don’t encourage you to be nasty.” |
| December 10 |
Noot says he stopped supporting an individual mandate for health insurance in 1993. Video immediately surfaces of Noot in 2005 supporting an individual mandate. |
|
| December 11 |
Noot says “I’m going to be the nominee.” |
 |
| December 15 |
Newticles endorses personhood for zygotes. |
|
| December 15 |
Declaring that federal courts have become “grotesquely dictatorial, far too powerful” and “frankly, arrogant,” Noot promises to wage a war against the judiciary branch if he’s elected president. Four days later Dictator-for-Life Newticles says that if judges resist, he’ll have them arrested. |
 |
| January 23 |
Newticles, who publishes a Spanish-language website, promises to eliminate bilingual ballots, which is an apparent violation of the Voting Rights Acts. He attempts to court English-speaking Cuban-American voters by floating the idea of bombing Fidel Castro. |
 |
| January 26 |
Newticles promises to build a US colony on the moon if elected president |
 |
| February |
Noot mocks Obama by telling voters you can’t fit a gun rack in a Chevy Volt. Video promptly surfaces of a Florida man fitting a gun rack in a Chevy Volt. |
|
| February 3 |
Newticles blasts Washington elites who “live in high-rise apartment buildings writing for fancy newspapers in the middle of town after they ride the Metro.” Photos promptly surfaces of Noot riding the Metro with wife #2 that he dumped for Callista. |
 |
| March 6 |
Noot mocks Obama for promoting algae as an alternative energy source. Video promptly surfaces of Newticles touting the benefits of algae as an alternative energy source. |
(H/T: Mother Jones)
“The thing I find most disheartening of this campaign is the difficulty of talking about large ideas on a large scale, because the news media can’t cover it and, candidly, my opponents can’t comprehend it.”
–Newticles
To which I can only reply:
Kermit did it better, Noot.
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)
“All I can promise you is that I believe [Callista] will quite happy tomorrow night. And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh –”
–Newticles on his St. Valentine’s Day plans.
Reconnect? Is that what Wingnuts call blow jobs?
(Fox News via Wonkette)
It is his last line that gets ALL the girls swooning
Now I get his master plan.
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)
Staff-banging serial adulterer Newt Gingrich received some complimentary words from an unlikely source:
“NOM congratulates Newt Gingrich on his impressive come-from-behind victory in South Carolina… It is now clear that the Republican Party will nominate a candidate who is strongly committed to preserving marriage as the union of one man and one woman.”
–Brian Brown, the president of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) today congratulated GOP presidential contender Newt Gingrich on his victory in the South Carolina primary.
Newticles, the ultimate DC-insider won the vast majority of self-declared outsider Tea Party vote, as he stormed to a decisive 10pt-plus victory over Willard last night in South Carolina.
And in typical GOP fashion, the exit polls showed that the voters were not so much concerned about electability (as the pundits were sure was what was on people’s minds), but because they believed that Newticles would smack the black guy. The quotes I read this morning were all laced with violence, and many were peppered with racism. Anyway, Newticles is their man.
Obama has been the most effective food stamp president in American history. I’ll be the best ‘paycheck’ president in American history
–Newticles, blowing the old dog whistle
The other interesting factoid is that Newticles won the evangelical vote (not theocrat family-values hypocrite Frothy Santorum), even with the baggage of being a staff-banging serial adulterer, and having the ever-present home-wrecker Callista at his side.
Anyone still doubt that the Teabaggers are just the GOP rebranded?
it quacks like a fake psychiatrist.
Controversial psychiatrist quack, Keith Ablow, who works for Fox News (that is a surprise!) has written an article his love ode to Newt Gingrich. Ablow’s conclusion? Gingrich’s infidelity and three wives will make him a better president.
1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.
2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.
3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.
Ablow’s Theory: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we’ll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we’ll want to let him go after one.
Who knew the mental health team at Fox News was so insightful and so progressive? Ablow, who attended is embarrassing the hell out of Brown University and Johns Hopkins Medical School right now, thinks that multiple marriages that include asking wife #1 for a divorce while getting chemo and asking wife #2 for an open marriage because his new girlfriend was better for his chances at the Presidency, is just what the country needs. With a country that believes that tax cuts for the rich mean manna from heaven for the masses and that eliminating Medicare is good for health of the nation – NONE of this should come as a surprise.
I hope anyone who goes to Ablow for therapy gets some therapy. BTW, Ablow has a tattoo on his right thigh depicting hands prying open a human head. That says it all
BTW – With those tattoos, Ablow, who is Jewish – cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Thank YWHW for small favors.
I just realized the Newticles did indeed soar on the wings of cheating eagles yesterday as Mooselini predicted in her word salad.
It takes brass balls after that to lecture us on the sanctity of marriage, but then again… South Carolina has made a sort of name for itself in this business of walking the Appalachian Trail.
(Original: Getty Images)
Newt Gingrich held a town hall meeting at Jones Memorial AME Zion Church, a black church in Columbia, where about 50 people gathered to hear the speaker. Over about an hour, he fielded questions on comments he made about about blacks and welfare, and his characterization of Obama as a “food stamp president.” He didn’t back down from that statement, yet the visit allowed him to make good on his pledge to take his message to “ethnic communities.”
(WaPo)
“And so I’m prepared, if the NAACP invites me, I’ll go to their convention to talk about why the African-American community should demand pay checks and not be satisfied with food stamps.”
–Newt Gingrich
Everyone is someone else’s beard, as they say.
I’m dreaming of an all-white America
Just like the one we used to know
Where school prayers are loud, guns are shown proud
And gays are not part of the crowd
I’m dreaming of an all-white America
With every Christmas card I write
“May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Americas be white”
I like the way that conservatives love the Constitution, except when they don’t.
Anyway, here’s a great look at Newticles expounding on the power he would award himself if he were the preznint.
I believe that is called the Divine Right of Kings, Newticles. You might want to look that up sometime, history-boy.
But what is really funny is that he declares that the Roberts-led court is not an activest court, and in the debate he said that he liked all the conservative members, but above all others, he liked Fat Tony, who is probably the most corrupt of the lot and who would burn the Bill of Rights if given the chance.
(Chicago Tribune via Scissorhead Some Techie)
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