Mock, Paper, Scissors

Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead made it to the top of the UK charts following the death of former PM Magaret Thatcher.

And of course, the BBC tellie program, The Official Chart Show finds itself in a bit of a sticky wicket:

As of Friday, the song was No. 1 on British iTunes.

Still, many people say the campaign — which aims to see the song played this weekend on the BBC’s Official Chart Show — is in bad taste. Some have called on the BBC to promise it won’t broadcast the song.

A cover-up!

John Whittingdale, a lawmaker from Thatcher’s Conservative party, told the Daily Mail tabloid that many would find the ditty “deeply insensitive.”

Yes, many would find the ditty “deeply insensitive,” and that’s why many actually paid for the song and drove it to the top of the charts.

“This is an attempt to manipulate the charts by people trying to make a political point,” he said.

I think that is the point, John. Nothing gets past you. Mind like a steel trap, eh?

In a statement, the BBC said it had not yet decided on whether it would feature the song on its show — which normally plays all the week’s best-selling hits.

“The Official Chart Show on Sunday is a historical and factual account of what the British public has been buying and we will make a decision about playing it when the final chart positions are clear,” the taxpayer-funded BBC said.

Well, if it is a historical and factual record, then I think you have your answer, Kreskin.

(SFGate)

Hey guys, did you know that Atlas Shrugged 2: The Strike was released? Me Neither! And there I was making fun of it last year when they were begging people to donate money to it and asking unpaid labor to work on it. Galt, indeed.

Here’s some reviews (from Rotten Tomatoes):

“Seriously, if this is the best promotion of itself that the free market can manage, it really would benefit from the help of a Ministry of Culture or something.” — Village Voice

“A disaster as a film, Atlas also is laughable in its presentation of Rand’s ideology.” — Philadelphia Inquirer

“The determined, if questionably talented, cast and crew of Ayn Rand devotees continue to hack their way through the lionized author’s obtuse prose.” — OK Magazine

“Rand’s detractors will hate the movie as much as they do her, but her fans will be satisfied …” – Sacramento News and Review

Maybe if they added sparkly vampires to the Director’s cut…?

Anyway, it looks like it was released right before the election in November (perhaps to persuade assholes and libertarians to vote?), and according to the IMDB it is estimated to cost about $10M to make and to date it has earned $3,333,823.

The market has spoken! Please, dear God, no Part 3, which I assume is when The Speech (a 50-page screed by one character) would be spoken.

Schoolhouse Rock turned 40.

Well, it was bound to happen: two old white guys try to parse pop culture.

Fox News Psychiatrist (and that title alone should crack you up) Keith Ablow:

“I think what this fellow is tapping into… is the fact that people don’t want any meaning right now. It is just is sort of like a drug and that seems to be what most people seem to want right now. Not reality, not feeling, not meaning.”

To which Falafel-boy responds:

“So it means nothing but it’s got a nice upbeat to it but you can [dance] The Pony and ride around.”

Which only leads one thing:

UPDATE: Our good friend and Scissorhead Big Bad Bald Bastard gives us the definitive last word on Falafel-boy’s pop culture street cred.

Hahahaha!

The other, less-famous and non-Scissorhead, Mr. Burns, that is.

…a Game of Thrones.

International Bond Day

…The first James Bond movie, Dr. No was released, and vodka martinis shaken, not stirred became fashionable. Dr. No mostly was set in Jamaica, so why not enjoy a ska version of the famous theme song:

In case anyone was wondering about how profitable the Bond movies have been. And then you can view the information adjusted for inflation.

I was surprised to see that Moonraker (which I really think is the worst Bond movie of all time) was actually one of the more successful shows. Knocked me over, it did.

“…Eddy.”

And that is probably as much Olympics coverage as we will do.

(H/T: Scissorhead and evil twin Pissed In NYC)

David Brooks digs rock and roll

In general, I’m not opposed to David F***ing Brooks going to Europe to attend a Bruce Springsteen concert. It’s the probability that he will return that is getting my knickers in a twist.

Anyway, my betters are tackling the substance of this column, so I will only nibble around the edges: why is Mr. Brooks writing about pop culture at all, let alone rock music, which I think it is safe to assume he must hate because it is made by dirty f***ing hippies which he has spent a lifetime blaming for everything from the decline of literacy to bad breath? It boggles the mind.

And before we go too far down the rabbit hole, Brooks writes about Tupac. David Brooks drops Tupac’s name in a dependent clause like he is familiar with the subject. OK, before your head explodes in wonder, rest assured he gets the fundamentals of Tupac so wrong that it is absolutely laughable; I won’t spoil that for you but when you read it, if you know anything about Tupac’s life (or death) I promise you that your pants will wet themselves you will laugh so hard. Brooks–as usual–is skimming the culture.

I also think that there is very little coincidence that his nitwit-in-arms Thomas Friedman is in Europe this week, too. Sweet Jeebus, it makes me think that lady strapped next to the corpse got off easy. Imagine having to share a ride with these two dick-breaths.

We live in a time of high unemployment, and so when we learned that there might be an opening at the Vatican over the weekend, we here at Mock, Paper, Scissors thought that we could help out the unemployed amongst us prepare for the job of a lifetime: the Butler to the Pope.

The crack research team at MPS developed the following employment quiz to help to prepare you for the interview. We spent literally minutes imagining what the requirements and nice-to-haves must be to work at the private residence for a man known to have precise and exacting requirements, and 30 pairs of Prada slippers. Also, we are aware that this time the Vatican might be looking for someone more, shall we say, discreet?

Anyway, this test will assess your likelihood to become the next informant, Butler for Benny.

Fair Warning: cracking into The Holy See as a woman has rarely been done, and not lately. Also/too: religion is involved, so the atheist, pagan, Mormon, and other cults need not apply. Other than that, we are assured that the Vatican is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

1. Describe yourself in just one word:
• Smart
• Curious
• Wacky
• Funny
• Underaged
2. My friends call me:
• Thoughtful
• Carefree
• Serious
• Between the hours of 9 AM and 9 PM
• Old blabber mouth
3. Complete the following phrase: “Some of my best friends are…”
• Women
• Jewish
• Black
• Gay
• Behind bars
4. Dress for Success means to me:
• A dark well-cut suit and a smart tie
• Something understated but serious
• Pulled-together from the better designers
• Appropriate for the occasion
• Puddled around my ankles
5. I like to talk:
• In hushed tones
• In Latin
• In tongues
• To my lawyer
• Off the record
6. I prefer to commute:
• By public transport
• By rail
• By car
• By bike
• By crawling and self-flagellating
7. When faced with great moral delimas, I:
• Consider alternatives
• Seek wise council
• Pray about it
• Flip a coin – God’s will
• Let ‘er rip and go for the sin I’ve never tried before
8. What is your greatest strength?
• Level headedness
• Organized
• Fair
• Accurate
• Ability to deny everything
9. What do you expect to be doing in 5 years?
• Running a small business
• CEO of a Fortune 500 Company
• Diplomat
• Taking vows
• My priest, and occasionally Mrs. Goldfarb

PS – Hi Crooks & Liars! Thanks for stopping by!

(GoComics.com)

…who already seems to know this.

Hahaha! The Olympic Torch was snuffed out shortly after being lit:

The flame went out briefly before being relit and transferred to the first torchbearer. The ceremony took place amid the Temple of Hera ruins, by the ancient Olympic Games stadium.

I think that means we will have six more weeks of winter, but only if a virgin is sacrificed. Someone notify Brisket ^® that the World need her!

(And you guys complain that I never cover sports?)

(BBC)

I’m going to be all over this like graham cracker crumbs on K-Lo’s chins.

Here’s a round-up of the ads. Frankly, I was not that impressed.

My favorite was the Audi vampire ad, but that’s more because, well, Echo and the Bunnymen, and what’s not to like about really stupid vampires?

The culture has moved on and left those scolds behind. If dudes are getting married in Archie then the Xristian Xrazies have lost the culture war.

(BuzzFeed)

Don’t blame me, blame Blue Gal.

From the great new (to me anyway) tumblr blog, Archie out of Context.

…until I considered what it would be like to have Tom Servo and Crow mocking my performance.

Rgds,

Tengrain

(Via The Daily What)

Has interviewing candidates for the 2012 Goat Rodeo really come to this:

“I mean I like the Twilight series,” Romney said during a recent NBC “Today Show” appearance.

The Massachusetts conservative added that his grandchild inspired him to check out the bestselling novels, which were penned by fellow Mormon Stephenie Meyer.

“I thought it was fun,” Romney added. “I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any but you know my granddaughter was reading it and I thought, well this looks like fun so I read that.”

Lame. I’m guessing he’s on Team Edward.

Disgraced male hooker aficionado, Ted Haggard is slated to make a cameo appearance in a Xristian Xrazy Comedy on Abstinence. No, you cannot make this stuff up.

Best part? The name of the show is The Waiting Game:

…the movie follows a schlub named Jack who’s super excited about finally losing his virginity on his wedding night, but is foiled when his fiancee leaves him at the altar. He then goes on a quest to meet a replacement wife, while contemplating whether or not to remain abstinent.

Based on the preview, Haggard’s cameo takes place at a coffee shop, where Jack is questioning his abstinence: “I’m so frustrated. You know, I’m just going to do what I want to do anyway, it’s not like it’s going to wind up on the front page of the newspaper.” Haggard leans over and quips: “Hey buddy, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

(TPM)

Cry for me, Wasilla…

Well, she done did it: she’s grifted a feature length film about herself:

Behold The Undefeated, Palin’s top secret film project that will debut in Iowa next month.

Like any good grifter, Palin was able to trick someone else into paying for this elaborate dystopian propaganda. Conservative filmmaker Stephen K. Bannon, according to RealClearPolitics, “insisted upon taking complete control and financing it himself — to the tune of $1 million.”

But… but… how do we know it will have all her trademark touches?

To convey Bannon’s view of the pathology behind Palin-hatred, the film begins with a fast-paced sequence of clips showing some of the prominent celebrities who have used sexist, derogatory and generally vicious language to describe her.

Rosie O’Donnell, Matt Damon, Bill Maher, David Letterman, and Howard Stern all have brief cameos before comedian Louis C.K. goes off on a particularly ugly anti-Palin riff.

Ah, victimization and martyrdom. Yup, that sounds like our Mooselini.

UPDATE 1: Holy Crap on Mom’s Shoes, Batman! We need to give this thing a title! in the comments, Scissorheads, for extra credit.

(Gawker)

…as Ahhhhnold cancels his cartoon project:

The Governator is to star Schwarzenegger as a superhero living a double life: A family man and former governor who secretly fights global villainy and modern-day disasters alongside a team of hip teenagers.

…living a double life …alongside a team of hip teenagers who presumably are not his bastards? What about the mistresses? So many questions.

(WaPo)

I knew it was too good to last.

(Gawker via Watertiger)

(BuzzFeed)

I just saw the movie The Social Network which is ostensibly about Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg, but it really is about the forces in Silicon Valley. I don’t like Facebook (as many of you know I don’t update my status, I don’t think I’ve logged on yet this year), and this movie doesn’t change any of that.

You could probably substitute the concept of Hollywood with today’s Silicon Valley. Instead of starlets going to be discovered and make it big, it is engineers come here hoping to make it big. It’s not art and beauty, it’s ideas. If you change the world along the way, well, that’s icing on the cake.

The Social Network is the story of all startups: a driven visionary–a hacker, really–not very likable, risks everything on the way to making it big. In the end, his idea wins, but in the journey he loses all his friends, his would-be girlfriend, and ultimately finds himself alone with his billions unable to get a date. He has surrounded himself with despicable people, and the only people he can trust are his lawyers. Mr. Social is the loser in the end. You do feel some sympathy for him, but not a lot.

The irony that a person as profoundly unlikeable as Mark Zuckerberg (and he is profoundly unlikeable in real life; the stories of his needless rudeness and cruelty are legendary here in the valley, and he’s only 26) ends up changing the world through the act of connecting friends is one of the most astonishing aspects of the real story.

I don’t want to give away much about the movie, but I’ll say that there is not a bad performance in the show. Justin Timberlake gives a show-stopping performance as the founder of Napster, Sean Parker. In the greater scheme of things, Facebook might owe much of its success to Parker’s brash and crass thirst for revenge upon those who destroyed Napster; it drives him, and drives Zuckerberg to not make the same mistakes, though he clearly sees Parker as a role model. It’s a very multi-dimensional performance.

On the political side, Larry Summers as the president of Harvard is portrayed as a smirky and clueless buffoon as you might expect (“I’m the former Secretary of the Treasury, I know something about business” he says to some undergraduates, and it rings so true that he would have to dick waive to some students); it’s a small scene, it could have been cut, but I’m so glad they kept it in.

Go see the movie, it really is terrific.

This is a metro-Detroit guy. From the description on this clip:”this video was filmed over a 4 day period. i spent over 20 hours on chatroulette to get these reactions & about 90% of those 20 hours was nothing but penis.” I dare you not to laugh at this. I dare you.