You know, when Geaorgia cracker Senator Saxby Chambliss made his non-support of marriage equality–”I’m not gay so I’m not going to marry one”–it sounded a lot like a form statement.
So, for 1/15 of a point towards your final grade, fill in the blank:
“I’m not ____________________, so I’m not going to ___________ one.”
In the comments, #2 lead pencil only. Bonus point if you respond in the original German.
Alaska’s part-time governor and full-time grifter Mooselini has a new book contract to deliver a fresh-tossed word salad atchya:
“Amidst the fragility of this politically correct era, it is imperative that we stand up for our beliefs before the element of faith in a glorious and traditional holiday like Christmas is marginalized and ignored,” Palin said in a statement released through her publisher. “This will be a fun, festive, thought provoking book, which will encourage all to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our faith and ignore the politically correct Scrooges who would rather take Christ out of Christmas.”
But not to worry the Narcissus Borealis is NOT taking a back seat to her Savior:
Palin also “will share personal memories and traditions from her own Christmases and illustrate the reasons why the celebration of Jesus Christ’s nativity is the centerpiece of her faith.”
That’s more like it.
UPDATE: I’ve been remiss. For a full 3/16th of a point towards your final grade, name Mooselini’s book. Bonus 3/16th of a point if you provide artwork.
(TPM)
Grandpa Walnuts will be on the electronic TeeVee machine on Sunday, along with his pal Senatorette Huckleberry Closetcase and their new amiga Kelly Ayotte starring in the role made famous by Traitor Joe.
For a full-point towards your final exam, what should third wheel and Traitor Joe-replacement Kelly Ayotte’s secret codename be?
Number 2 pencils only, in the comments.
and…
The Smoking Gun has the scoop of the day on Chimpy McStagger’s artistic endeavors, and it seems clear that he is as good as artist as he was a preznint.
Now, aside from the delicious irony that the man who made email tapping and wire tapping legal as part of his legacy, getting his electronic mail hacked, er, taken without a court order, well, I’m just as shocked as the next person.
For 1.34 points towards you final grade, please give us the art criticism his work deserves, and for a bonus point, what he should add to the paintings to improve in his still life. For instance, I think the bathtub portrait, he needs to add some fart bubbles to capture his jejeune Je ne sais quois.
In the comments, please.
DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG
OK, strange things happen when you set loose the great unwashed of Wingnuttia on the campaign trail, but this one has me puzzled.
So, for a full half-point towards your mid-term grade, what is the bald goblin who is wiping down Willard going to do with a sweat rag of Willard juice?
Number 2 pencils in the comments.
Allen West to Wife: Be my Porn Star!
I’m all for getting your freak-on (as long as it is consenting adults we’re talking about), but Allen West? Ewww, gross! I assumed he had Ken doll parts. Small one at that.
The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”
He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”
Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?
“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”
And he signs off: “Get ready!”
Now, would it be irresponsible of us to speculate what the West’s do in the privacy of their home? Nay, says I: it would be irresponsible to NOT speculate! For 2 points towards your mid-term grade, describe what you think these Standard and non-negotiable acts are.
In the comments, number 2 lead pencils.
This year, “F-bomb,” “sexting” and “man cave” are among the newest terms that were added to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, published Tuesday.
“Brain cramp,” “bucket list,” “energy drink,” “life coach” and “aha moment” are also among the additions to the 114-year-old dictionary.
So for one (1) full point towards your final grade, what word (or phrase) should Merriam-Webster have added to their Collegiate Dictionary. #2-Lead Pencils only, in the comments.
I was going to name this post, There Will Never Be Another Ewe, but it seems to me that someone dressed as a goat, going up a hill in Utah for God Only Knows What Purpose seems to be the opportunity of a lifetime for serious spitballing.
So, for 1 full point towards your final grade, name this post. In the comments, #2 pencils only.
Bennie-the-Rat commissions custom-blended eau de cologne
For 1 point awarded towards your final grade, tell us what the holy toilet water smells like. In the comments, please.
TPM tells us that theocrat and frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum has requested a Secret Service security detail.
For 2 pts. towards your final grade, what is Frothy’s SS code name?
Number 2 pencils only, in the comments.
With his victory in Florida last night, Willard now will be receiving a Secret Service detail. For 3 points towards your final grade, tell us Willard’s Secret Service Name!
A bill introduced in the Oklahoma Legislature: “No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.”
“I don’t know if it is happening in Oklahoma, it may be, it may not be. What I am saying is that if it does happen then we are not going to allow it to manufacture here.”
–State Sen. Ralph Shortey, a Republican from Oklahoma City
I’m only guessing of course, but I think this gets filed under Stirring up the Mouth-breathing Paste-eating Xristian Xrazies. It must be Shortey’s re-election gambit, and I’m shocked that The Girl With The Far-Away Eyes One-L has not thought of this.
Anyway, it’s been a while since we had a Pop Quiz, so here we go: For 1 point counting towards your final exam tell a Dead Baby Joke in the comments.
(NPR)
First some background…
(Reuters) – In a political test of the spirit of Christmas, warring Democrats and Republicans in the Senate are getting ready to exchange holiday gifts.
No one predicts that the Senate’s first-ever “Secret Santa” gift exchange, set for mid-December with a $10-per-present limit, will unleash unprecedented bipartisan tidings of comfort and joy.
OK, for an extra 10 bonus points, pick out a gift for your Member of Congress (including the Senate, of course), as if it came from Chinless Mitch. If your Senator happens to be Chinless Mitch, well, you have our condolances.
Bluebook answers in the comments, #2 lead pencils only.
Come’on, Scissorheads, Notorious baby mill operator, future resident of Bedlam, McCarthyite witch hunter, self-confessed confident of God, Miss November, the noted Constitutional Scholar, Bachmann-the-Nut needs our help.
You know what to do.
One-L needs some help titling her new book. New titles in the comments, please. Extra credit if you Photoshop.
For 3/4 of a point towards your midterm grade, help Marcus shout out what he’s thinking.
(Picture stolen with pride from Watertiger)
Alaska’s part time governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin is a grandma for the second (or third) time!
And Mooselini needs some help naming the 6-month premature, 9-lb infant girl.
The Palin naming rules are simple:
For a full 1/2 pt. towards your final degree, name that baby!
Today, legendary rocker Tom Petty issued a cease and desist letter to Michele Bachmann, because when The Nut left the stage following her announcement, Petty’s song American Girl was playing.
For a full-point towards your final exam, choose the appropriate campaign song for Michele Bachmann’s 2012 Goat Rodeo adventure.
In the comments, please
Cry for me, Wasilla…
Well, she done did it: she’s grifted a feature length film about herself:
Behold The Undefeated, Palin’s top secret film project that will debut in Iowa next month.
Like any good grifter, Palin was able to trick someone else into paying for this elaborate dystopian propaganda. Conservative filmmaker Stephen K. Bannon, according to RealClearPolitics, “insisted upon taking complete control and financing it himself — to the tune of $1 million.”
But… but… how do we know it will have all her trademark touches?
To convey Bannon’s view of the pathology behind Palin-hatred, the film begins with a fast-paced sequence of clips showing some of the prominent celebrities who have used sexist, derogatory and generally vicious language to describe her.
Rosie O’Donnell, Matt Damon, Bill Maher, David Letterman, and Howard Stern all have brief cameos before comedian Louis C.K. goes off on a particularly ugly anti-Palin riff.
Ah, victimization and martyrdom. Yup, that sounds like our Mooselini.
UPDATE 1: Holy Crap on Mom’s Shoes, Batman! We need to give this thing a title! in the comments, Scissorheads, for extra credit.
(Gawker)
U.S. hopes to question bin Laden’s wives
OK, Scissorheads – for 1 point towards your final exam, what question would your personal favorite GOP pundit/nimrod ask OBL’s wives? Bonus point if your question is worded as from Nooner, Malkkkin, or Mann Coulter.
Times-up, pencils down. Answers in the comments.
Politico tells us…
The special operations forces grabbed personal computers, thumb drives and electronic equipment during the lightning raid that killed bin Laden, officials told POLITICO.
“They cleaned it out,” one official said. “Can you imagine what’s on Osama bin Laden’s hard drive?”
I’m guessing pirated copies of next week’s episode of Glee, an annotated eBook version of Atlas Shrugged, and a copy of Paul Ryan’s budget proposal. What more does he need to know about us?
Answers in the comments.
After a rally Monday at South Carolina’s Capitol, Bachmann told The Associated Press that she is “in the early talking stages” about a book. The third-term congresswoman says she’s received several requests but is deciding whether she’ll have the time to devote to such an undertaking.
For a full 1/2 point on your final exam, help Bachmann-the-Nut choose a title for her tome. Bonus 1/2 point if you create a photoshop of the cover. In the comments, please.
For 1/8 of your pre-Thanksgiving midterm points, list any of The 7 Wonder that Will Change Your Life. Bluebook answers in the Comments, #2 Pencils only.
We will use the best answers in a Photoshop essay.
(h/t: Scissorhead moeman)
OK, not Rosemary’s Baby, but CARRIE PREJEAN, the fake-boobed, topless Xristian sensation and infamous finger-banging soft-core underaged porn actress, homophobic decrowned/deflowered failed beauty queen, and shower-nozzle masturbation fetish-object of Maggie Gallagher, is expecting issue from her union with some brute football player from the Oakland Raiders.
He loves her for her mind.
“We are just so excited,” she said. “I’m due in May on my grandmother’s birthday. She recently passed away, so that’s very special to us.”
Aside from the fact that she just said that it is special to them that her grandmother died, Prejean is trying to name the baby:
“We’ve started thinking about names, but we are keeping it to ourselves for right now. It has been fun looking at baby books.”
Let’s help her, shall we Scissorheads?
For 12 points towards your midterm grade, what should Carrie name the baby? In the comments, please.
(Hat tip: Scissorhead Moeman)
Infamous Gasbag whoremonger, Dick Morris, tells us today that he has started a new politcal action committee (PAC), in which he plans to raise funds to do something with them, basically to benefit Republicans. The thing is, most people when they create a PAC give it a name that sort of hints at how the money will be used. Even Mooselini says it is Sarah PAC, because it is going to be used for herself.
No, Dick Morris is not a trend follower (even though he is at least a generation behind on this PAC scam), and so his PAC gets the Huh? name of Super PAC.
OK, Scissorheads, for 3 pts towards your final grade, what are the Super Powers of Dick Morris? I’m taking Toe Sucking as a granted, what are the rest… in the comments.
February 6 is Ronald Reagan Day – For three bonus points counting towards 1.37% of your final grade, tell us in the comments how you plan to celebrate. Time’s up, #2 pencil’s down, close your blue books.
From FlickrOK, Scissorheads using your #2 pencils, and for 2% of your mid-term grade, tell us what this sign means!
That feisty old Senator, full of mavericky goodness (and sawdust), Grandpa Walnuts, has had a slight run-in with Politico. They send a reporter after Walnuts to find out what he meant when he said that he never considered himself a maverick:
When POLITICO asked McCain about the contradiction at the Capitol this week, the Arizona Republican grew visibly irritated and snapped: “I’ve been called a thousand things. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”
He said 48 percent of the homeowners in his state are underwater on their mortgages. He said he’s always “done what’s best for my state and the nation.” Then he said it again, adding, “People can consider me whatever they want.”
And then he darted into the Senate chamber without explaining himself further.
OK, Scissorheads for 3 points towards your final grade, what do you consider Grandpa Walnuts to be? Answers in the comments, #2 pencils only.
For 2.1% of your grade, what did Bennie the Rat say just before his cape blew up in his face? #2 pencils only, answers in the comments.
Mock, Paper, Scissors is proudly powered by
WordPress
Entries (RSS)
and Comments (RSS).
Apple, the Apple logo, and Mac are trademarks of Apple Computer, Inc., registered in the U.S. and other countries. The Made on a Mac Badge is a trademark of Apple Computer, Inc., used with permission.
