Mock, Paper, Scissors

This ain’t your grandpa’s science! What do you get if you cross TMZ with a college alumni newsletter? Business Insider’s 50 Sexy Scientists! Because remember kids, you have to be the hawts to do the science. I’m a little saddened that Dr. Jenny McCarthy didn’t make the list.

Never mind that the author also claimed to have contacted and gotten permission from the people on the list, then people on the list contacted the author saying they weren’t contacted and wanted to be removed.

Bad science blogs are bad.

In a galaxy far away… The White House responds to the We The People petition to build a Death Star:

OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE RESPONSE TO
Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.
This Isn’t the Petition Response You’re Looking For
By Paul Shawcross

The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

• The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
• The Administration does not support blowing up planets. [TG: This is a shift in the Force from the previous administration.]
• Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?

However, look carefully (here’s how) and you’ll notice something already floating in the sky — that’s no Moon, it’s a Space Station! Yes, we already have a giant, football field-sized International Space Station in orbit around the Earth that’s helping us learn how humans can live and thrive in space for long durations. The Space Station has six astronauts — American, Russian, and Canadian — living in it right now, conducting research, learning how to live and work in space over long periods of time, routinely welcoming visiting spacecraft and repairing onboard garbage mashers, etc. We’ve also got two robot science labs — one wielding a laser — roving around Mars, looking at whether life ever existed on the Red Planet.

Keep in mind, space is no longer just government-only. Private American companies, through NASA’s Commercial Crew and Cargo Program Office (C3PO), are ferrying cargo — and soon, crew — to space for NASA, and are pursuing human missions to the Moon this decade.

Even though the United States doesn’t have anything that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, we’ve got two spacecraft leaving the Solar System and we’re building a probe that will fly to the exterior layers of the Sun. We are discovering hundreds of new planets in other star systems and building a much more powerful successor to the Hubble Space Telescope that will see back to the early days of the universe.

We don’t have a Death Star, but we do have floating robot assistants on the Space Station, a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is supporting research on building Luke’s arm, floating droids, and quadruped walkers.

We are living in the future! Enjoy it. Or better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field. The President has held the first-ever White House science fairs and Astronomy Night on the South Lawn because he knows these domains are critical to our country’s future, and to ensuring the United States continues leading the world in doing big things.

If you do pursue a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field, the Force will be with us! Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Paul Shawcross is Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Skinny-D)

Dogs Paralyzed By Spine Damage Walk Again After Nose Cell Transplants:

And all this time I thought dog noses only made me happy. Who knew they had such curative powers?

(Hat tip: Scissorhead RitZ)

I like the assemblage of dead animal heads in the background. Very Feng Shui.

“All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell,” Broun said. “And it’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who were taught that from understanding that they need a savior.”

According to Broun, the scientific plot was primarily concerned with hiding the true age of the Earth. Broun serves on the House Science Committee, which came under scrutiny recently after another one of its Republican members, Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO), suggested that victims of “legitimate rape” have unnamed biological defenses against pregnancy.”

h/t TPM.

Here’s Curiosity landing on Mars, as taken by Curiosity

Here’s the Jupiter 2 landing:

Irwin Allen got it pretty right!

Rejoice, fellow-caffeine fiends, Science says that we are the chose ones:

Drinking more than two cups of coffee per day, or any other combination of caffeinated beverages, may lower your chances of developing skin cancer, a new reports says. The results included other caffeinated products such as soda, tea and chocolate.

So we’ve got that going for us.

(The Sideshow)

Bill Nye-the-Science-Guy explains to some dimwit wingnut on Fox News that moon volcanoes are not part of global climate change. But the priceless moment is the look and pause that Bill Nye gives this low-watt bulb right after he is asked about global warming from moon volcanoes.

–Tengrain

(Media Matters)

“I don’t want to end the Space Program, I want to decentralize it.”

–Newticles

Bitch, please

80s’ teen heartthrob and today’s Xristian nutjob Mike Seaver Kirk Cameron says that Stephan Hawking is an idiot for saying that the universe sprang from nothing. Very unscientific.

Just a reminder about Kirk’s rigorous scientific training.

(TMZ)

5/5/1925

John T. Scopes served an arrest warrant for teaching evolution in violation of the Butler Act.

5/5/1961

Alan Shepard becomes the first American to travel into outer space, making a sub-orbital flight of 15 minutes.

5/5/1988

You don’t have to go to college to be a success! We need people who run the offices, the people who do the hard physical work of our society.”

so-called “Education President” GHW Bush to East L.A.’s Garfield High

Note: Garfield High sends 70% of its (mostly) Hispanic students to college. This really did become the “You too can be a janitor speech.”

What can be said about Wingnuttia when they believe James O’Keefe’s tribute to Leni Riefenstahl and deny global climate change?

…and it might not involve Old Lace:

At its conference today, NASA scientist Felisa Wolfe-Simon will announce that NASA has found a bacteria whose DNA is completely alien to what we know today. Instead of using phosphorus, the bacteria uses arsenic. All life on Earth is made of six components: carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur. Every being, from the smallest amoeba to the largest whale, shares the same life stream. Our DNA blocks are all the same.

I’m sure that the Teabaggers are already on it to register GOP.

(Wired)

Maru might be the most famous cat on the internet, mostly noted for jumping into boxes. Has he met his match? Watch the movie to find out, scientifically, that cats are weird.

Oral Sex Leads to Intercourse Among Teens, Study Suggest

The three-year survey found that teens who had oral sex by the end of ninth grade were at the highest risk of having sexual intercourse during high school. These teens had a 25-percent chance of having intercourse by the end of ninth grade and a 50-percent chance by the end of 11th grade.

Meanwhile, teenagers who did not have oral sex until the end of 11th grade had only a 16-percent chance of having intercourse by the end of that school year.

The survey also found that most sexually active teenagers will start having oral sex and intercourse within the same six-month period.

Um, my memory of it–of course so long ago I could be mistaken–was that it was about 10 minutes between having oral sex and then having intercourse… but that’s withing the same 6-month period, so I guess the research is valid.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Akio)

…they said we are reponsible for Christine No’Donnell, not them.

Senator Chuck “I am not a NAIL” Grassley (Prude, IA) is concerned about your immoral, er immortal soul. It seems some of the wankers in the Federal Government at the National Science Foundation are literally wanking. On the tax payer’s dime. Ewww, gross.

And not just any wankers. Science wankers. Wanking on Science, just like when Al Gore asked the masseuse to hug his tree.

Anyway, Politico – where I go to get all my sexytime news – has the scoop:

The Iowa Republican sent a letter to agency leaders this week seeking answers after a whistleblower informed his office that NSF has failed to crack down on employees caught accessing pornography on their work computers.

In the letter obtained by POLITICO, Grassley asks the agency to verify the confidential source’s litany of allegations – including charges that the NSF’s technology to block pornography has manifestly failed, that employees have devised ways around those impasses by sharing illicit photos on Microsoft PowerPoint, and that no infrastructure exists to hold employees accountable for their misdeeds.

Powerpoint? YOU MEAN AL GORE’S SECRET POWERPOINT WEAPON OF SEXYTIME?!

(Politico)

The gay world sighed a little today when The Stranger’s homo music writer, David Schmader, concluded that pastel-wearing, belt-burning, perennially bachelor Congressman Aaron Schock is straight.

David Schmader examines Schock’s iPod playlist and concludes, scientifically, that twinky Aaron is not a dick smoker after all:

This is not the playlist of a man who wants to have sex with other men.

Leave it to the Japanese! They’ve found a way to turn adult diapers into an energy source. So in one-fell swoop, Diaperman can both get his freak-on, and tell his much-cheated upon wife that he is only doing it for the environment!

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Dimitrios)

…Boobquake today?

Remember last week when we reported what some theocrat in Iran said about immodestly dressed women cause earthquakes? Me neither! But anyway, some Iranian version of the Xristian Xrazies said:

Attractive women who dress inappropriately cause youth to go astray taint their chastity and incite extramarital sex in society, which increases earthquakes. – Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi

And in reaction to that sound reasoning, some DFH named Jennifer McCreight (if that is her real name) at someplace called “Purdue” (if that place actually exists) launched a Facebook campaign called, appropriately, Boobquake. The goal: Get women to don immodest clothing in public and then see if earthquakes follow.

Now we here at Mock, Paper, Scissors are nothing if not in favor of the Scientific Method, but we notice that there was something mentioned about extramarital sex, so we worry that Boobquake might not be successful unless we test the whole theory.

Still, this eliminates at least one of the variables, so… let’s get our Age of Reason on, Scissorheads. No earthquakes at “Purdue” means that tomorrow, hopefully the other half of the experiment will be tested.

Sign-up in the comments to be lab rats!

UPDATE 1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! 6.1 Earthquake in Taiwan!

There is a petition asking President Obama to recognize the event. Please sign, if you agree with the sentiment. And if you do, please spread the word.

You already know that Ken Ham (Definitely Dumber than a Dolphin, Answers in Genesis) is working against it, right?

When he was failing at being the president of Harvard University, one of the things that Mr. Charisma was noted for saying was that the under-representation of women in the top levels of academia is due to a “different availability of aptitude at the high end,” so we are sure that he would love this news story:

Little girls may learn to fear math from the women who are their earliest teachers. Despite gains in recent years, women still trail men in some areas of math achievement, and the question of why has provoked controversy. Now, a study of first- and second-graders suggests what may be part of the answer: Female elementary school teachers who are concerned about their own math skills could be passing that along to the little girls they teach.

Nothing like circular reasoning. So how do you break the cycle? Male math teachers would (I am only guessing) have the same reinforcement.

…I’d be ready to take on the Heenes of Mylar 6.

And here is how he made it:

“A 27-year-old lady presented with persistent cough, sputum and fever for the preceding six months. In spite of trials with antibiotics and anti-tuberculosis treatment for the preceeding four months, her symptoms did not improve. A subsequent chest radiograph showed non-homogeneous collapse-consolidation of right upper lobe. Videobronchoscopy revealed an inverted bag like structure in right upper lobe bronchus and rigid bronchoscopic removal with biopsy forceps confirmed the presence of a condom. Detailed retrospective history also confirmed accidental inhalation of the condom during fellatio.”

(From Discover Magazine via Scissorhead SkinnyDennis.)

Naw, me neither.

Its plot was that a meteor was on a collision course with earth, and a band of scientists (Indianna Jones’ dad (Sean Connery) plays Sean Connery, and Natalie Wood plays a Russian scientist) had to save the earth. Best dialog ever:

Sean Connery: Why don’t you stick a broom up my ass? I can sweep the carpet on the way out.
Natalie Wood: One day you will come to Moscow and I will show you a clean subway.

Guess what? It’s happening in real life now, and UA should sue the asteroid for infringement!

Russian scientists will soon meet in secret to work on a plan for saving Earth from a possible catastrophic collision with a giant asteroid in 26 years, the head of Russia’s space agency said Wednesday.

Maybe that’s why we were trying to blow up the moon earlier this year?!

(Hat tip: Akio)

A study was axed because scientists had a hard time finding men who had not been exposed to X-rated material.

Boffins had planned to recruit two groups of men in their twenties — comparing regular porn users with blokes who had never viewed explicit films.

But researchers were stunned when they could not find ANY fellas who had not watched the hardcore movies.

I really have to get in on this research scam, maybe that swine, Randal Graves has some insight into this. After all, it involved Universities, porn, and scam artists.

As president, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering… and I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything.

…we’re comin’ fer ya!

Three cheers for NASA… and Moon Men, start sayin’ yer prayers!

Well, this was no Shock and Awe, that’s for sure. Not since Geraldo Rivera wasted the nations time and patience opening the door to Al Capone’s vaults, has a nation been so let down. Where was the death and destruction, where was the Moon-men running down the streets with their hair on fire?

“This is a once in a lifetime event, how often do we hit the moon? But I also point out that Mother Nature hits the moon about once a week with large meteorites.”

– dr. michio kaku

OK, Moon, you won this round, but we’ll be back.

Say your prayers, Moon, because you die at dawn! You get one last ciggie or a blindfold.

Yes NASA is going to blow up the moon at dawn (4:30 or so in the AM on the west coast) to show Glenn Beck that the Carebear means business communisting our country, Earth. I can almost smell the Vicks now!

The Carebear is attacking the moon today instead of Afghanistan, while the GOP tells him that Iran is the real target. Bipartisanship? I think not.