Chimpy and the banner
“Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed. (Applause.) And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that country.”
…and of course Commander Codpiece was wrong again, terribly, tragically wrong. From invading the wrong country, to fighting the wrong war, to having no exit strategy, to, well, infinity.
The 2003 State of the Union Address was a speech delivered by U.S. President George W. Bush on Tuesday, January 28, 2003. It outlined justifications for the 2003 invasion of Iraq. It began his discussion of the “war on terror” by asserting, as he had before September 11, 2001, that “the gravest danger facing America and the world, is outlaw regimes that seek and possess nuclear, chemical and biological weapons.” Of such regimes, that of Saddam Hussein was the worst, and “a brutal dictator, with a history of reckless aggression, with ties to terrorism, with great potential wealth, will not be permitted to dominate a vital region and threaten the United States.” The domestic brutality of Hussein and the benefits of liberty and freedom for the Iraqi people were briefly noted near the end of the speech.
…and so Chimpy added to his long list of crimes against humanity.
…in 2011 member of Congress Gabby Gifford was shot and 6 other people killed in a domestic terror act in Tucson AZ. You know, guns.
Perhaps there is no relationship between these things, or perhaps there is some. Still, seems like a momentous day in History.
10/7/84
In their first debate in Louisville, Kentucky, Walter Mondale clearly beats President Reagan, who terrifies viewers by demonstrating how he answers questions when his wife isn’t standing next to him. In the course of 90 minutes, the President:
- Talks about a law he signed in California as if it was signed by his Democratic predecessor
- Reprises his 1980 hit line, “There you go again,” only to have it thrown back in his face by Mondale, who knows he won’t be able to resist repeating it and is ready with a stinging rejoinder
- Blanks out completely in the middle of an answer, stalling for a mini-eternity – “The system is still where it was with regard to the … uh … the … uh … the … uh … the … uh …” – until he comes up, who knows how, with the missing word, “progressivity”
- Claims that the increase in poverty “is a lower rate of increase than it was in the preceding years before we got here,” though in fact it is higher
- Explains that a good bit of the defense budget goes for “food and wardrobe,” becoming the first US President to so refer to military uniforms
- Admits, as he prepares to deliver his closing statement, “I’m all confused now.”
Afterward, a frantic Nancy Reagan confronts White House aides, demanding, “What have you done to Ronnie?”
Paul Slansky, The Clothes Have No Emperor
PS – The Clothes Have No Emperor makes a wonderful gift… you know, for the snarker on your holiday gift list. Factual, historical, and amusing.
Scissorheads -
Exciting news: Mr. Slansky has contacted us, and has asked that we include a link to his e-commerce page for The Clothes Have No Emperor — which we are delighted to do. I know some of you have bought the book, and someone commented to Mr. Slansky that you found his book through us here at MPS.
But here is what has my eyes bright and my tail wagging: he likes us!
“Yes, someone bought it today, and commented that they learned of it from your frequent postings, which is what prompted me to write. As much as I scour the web, I’d missed your wonderful site until now. Thank you.”
Mr. Slansky has NOT asked us to cease and desist posting from his book, and so it is with great pride (and a deep laugh) that tonight’s quote is from Saint Ronnie:
10/4/82
Addressing an Ohio veteran’s group, President Reagan discusses plans to strengthen three military divisions in Western Europe, “two of which are in Geneva, and one, I believe, still in Switzerland.”
Paul Slansky, The Clothes Have No Emperor
Regards,
Tengrain
PS – The Clothes Have No Emperor makes a wonderful gift…
10/2/85
Rock Hudson dies of AIDS. Shirley (wife of Pat) Boone rushes into his home, grabs his legs and speaks in tongues for a half hour in a futile effort to resurrect him.
Paul Slansky, The Clothes Have No Emperor
(Ed. – While every death from AIDS was and is a tragedy, Rock Hudson’s death was significant because he was a famous actor, and his death really highlighted how AIDS and HIV could happen to anyone, even the rich and powerful. This was a wake-up call for the country.
That said, Pat Boone’s wife yanking on the corpse and babbling in tongues is an image that is both funny and terrifying. That sort of magical thinking still exists today with the Xristian Xrazies. –Tengrain)
10/1/87
TV evangelist Pat Robertson – who stayed at a friend’s house there for three months in 1959 – returns to his “roots” in the Brooklyn ghetto of Bedford-Stuyvesant to announce his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. “Bigot!” local residents chant, proving that you can’t go home again. “Bigot!”
Paul Slansky, The Clothes Have No Emperor
September 7, 1950
Margaret Ellen “Peggy” Noonan (born September 7, 1950) is an American author of seven books on politics, religion, and culture, and a weekly columnist for The Wall Street Journal. She was a primary speech writer and Special Assistant to President Ronald Reagan and in her political writings is considered a Republican.
Anyway, Mock, Paper, Scissors Salutes Peggy Noonan! Yes, Axel Grease and I decided to throw a little bash for Nooner and her friends…
Everyone was having clean, wholesome fun singing some of the Nelson Riddle Orchestra arrangements of Frank Sinatra on her home Karaoke system:
It was going OK until some of her rowdier pals showed up:
Not everyone was able to keep up with Noonan at the Mai Tai bar
…and no one could go as low under the limbo stick!
And then the first cake arrived…
Peggers and her besties with breasties made wishes for a dreamy piece of Reagan…
The second cake arrived…
…but no one cared for it.
One nutty guest decided to have a slice, tho…
The surprise guest arrived in time…
…to have the cake Nooner baked especially for him.
9/5/88
Tammy Faye Bakker describes her last night in her PTL mansion before being evicted by Jerry Falwell. “As I lay on the floor in the dark, empty room,” she says, “Tuppins, my puppy, licked at the tears running down my face. ‘Oh, Tuppins,’ I sobbed. ‘Why has God forsaken me?’”
Paul Slansky, The Clothes Have No Emperor
“I reject a potted plant presidency. I’m here to do a job.”
–President Reagan picking up his newest prop, an oversized pair of scissors, and cutting a big credit card labeled, “CONGRESSIONAL EXCESS.”
Saint Ronnie kicked. Thanks to Koch Brothers middle manager and wall-eyed git for the reminder:
You know, I live for bad taste, but that’s even too raw for me. What a poltroon.
“If I can make Willie Horton a household name, we win the election.”
–GHW Bush Campaign Manager Lee Atwater
5/30/88
At a state dinner at the Kremlin, Saint Ronnie nods off during Gorbachev’s toast, then offers his own remarks, which are dominated by a long-winded synopsis of the 1956 Civil War film, “Friendly Persuasion.”
“It has fun,” says the President, who gives his hosts a copy. “It has humor. There’s a renegade goose, a mischievous young boy, a nosy neighbor, a love-struck teenager in love with a gallant soldier …”
5/6/88
“We have had triumphs, we have made mistakes, we have had sex …”
–George Bush, meaning to say that he and the President had “setbacks”
5/5/88
With its most famous teacher, Jamie Escalante, immortalized in a Hollywood film, East L.A.’s Garfield High School gets a visit from George Bush.“You don’t have to go to college to be a success,” the would-be Education President says, seemingly unaware that the school sends 70% of its mainly Hispanic students to college.
“We need the people who run the offices, the people who do the hard physical work of our society.”
It becomes known among snide aides as his “You too can be a janitor” speech.
Now we know where that great historian Newticles got the idea of putting children to work as janitors.
The Iraq war started in 2003, and the Death March with Cocktails (the Media) began their fawning coverage.
So let’s celebrate by attacking the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby!
On this date in 2005, Scooter Libby was indicted in the Valerie Plame Affair and resigned from Chimpy McStagger’s administration.
Of course, later Chimpy commuted his sentence, and thus Scooter never spent a day in prison as a felon.
The United States Supreme Court hands down a unanimous decision in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas.
Watergate scandal: Televised hearings begin in the United States Senate.
Bobby Ewing is killed off on Dallas. Coincidentally, Patrick Duffy’s career is killed off, too.
Trent Reznor, American musician (Nine Inch Nails)
Jordan Knight, American singer (New Kids on the Block)
The Sedition Act of 1918 is passed by the U.S. Congress, making criticism of the government an imprisonable offense.
Performing Billie Jean on the Motown 25th Anniversary special, Michael Jackson begins dancing backward across the stage (the Moonwalk), and with this move becomes the biggest star of the ’80s.
I NEVER SMUGGLED SECRETS IN MY UNDIES FOR OLLIE — NY Post headline, Fawn Hall denying she smuggled documents in her bra, as claimed by Sen. Howell Heflin the day before.
McDonald’s opens its first restaurant in San Bernardino, California.
I was very definitely involved in the decisions about support to the freedom fighters. I was my idea to being with.
–Saint Ronnie
Sen. Howell Heflin (D- AL) claims that Fawn Hall smuggled papers out of the White House in her underwear. “She had stuffed documents in her brassier,” he says. “I think that’s been in the papers, hasn’t it?…I thought I’d seen this. Hasn’t this been in the papers of something?”
As of that moment, it was in the papers.
Ahmet Zappa, American musician
The trade mark Velcro is registered.
The Free Speech Movement is born when hundreds of University of California, Berkeley students congregate for the first day of protest against a visit by the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Thirty-one students are arrested.
TV viewers jam the switchboards of teevee stations across America to complain that their soap operas and game shows have been pre-empted by coverage of the shooting of Pope John Paul II.
Holocaust: 1,500 Jews are sent to gas chambers in Auschwitz.
Found: Oliver North transposed two digits in his arms network’s secret bank account and deposited $10M (solicited from the Sultan of Brunei – and missing for months) and into a Swiss businessman’s account.
Fifty-nine Democratic lawmakers bring the Texas Legislature to a standstill by going into hiding in a dispute over a Republican congressional redistricting plan.
Emilio Estevez, American actor
The Supreme Court of the United States rules in Nix v. Hedden that a tomato is a vegetable, not a fruit, under the Tariff Act of 1883.
I didn’t know there were any. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t.
–Saint Ronnie explains to students at a Chicago high school why his revised tax exemption policy could not possibly have been intended to benefit segregated schools.
A hand grenade thrown by Vladimir Arutinian lands about 65 feet (20 metres) from U.S. President Chimpy McStagger while he is giving a speech to a crowd in Tbilisi, Georgia, but it malfunctions and does not detonate.
World War II is over: Ratification in Berlin-Karlshorst of the German unconditional surrender of May 8 in Rheims, France, with the signatures of Marshal Georgy Zhukov for the Soviet Union, and for the Western Headquarters Sir Arthur Tedder, British Air Marshal and Eisenhower’s deputy, and for the German side of Colonel-General Hans-Jürgen Stumpff as the representative of the Luftwaffe, Field Marshal Wilhelm Keitel as the Chief of Staff of OKW, and Admiral Hans-Georg von Friedeburg as Commander-in-Chief of the Kriegsmarine.
L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health is released.
President Reagan tells a reporter that Nancy is very upset about Don Reagan’s book, which itemizes Nancy’s secret obsession with astrology and reveals that she would consult with Joan Quigley (a San Francisco heiress — because, you know, it couldn’t be just a run of the mill astrologer) before Approving Saint Ronnie’s schedule.
Opponents of Saint Ronnie’s Nicaraguan policies heckle him at the European Parliament. “They have not been there,” he says. “I have.”
For the record, he has not.
Arriving in Lisbon, Saint Ronnie fails to recognize Portuguese Prime Minister Mario Soares–whom he as met before– and walks past him.
Marianne Mele Hall resigns as chairman of the Copyright Royalty Tribunal after it becomes known that a book she worked on in 1982, Foundations of Sand, said US blacks “insist on preserving their jungle freedoms, their women, their avoidance of personal responsibility and their abhorrence of the work ethic.”
Naomi Klein, Canadian author and activist
Gary Hart’s political career and presidential aspirations implode as CBS broadcasts yet more footage of him on The Monkey Business with a woman contestant (Not his wife, and not Donna Rice) from a Miss Hot Bod beauty Pageant.
Michigan ratifies a 203-year-old proposed amendment to the United States Constitution making the 27th Amendment law. This amendment bars the U.S. Congress from giving itself a mid-term pay raise.
Traci Lords, American actress
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