Mock, Paper, Scissors

OK, so it’s not a dog, but it is funny. I think that this is going to be a show on the electronic teevee machine?

When Zombies Invade, Who Do You Want For President?

Perhaps Scissorhead Zombie Rotten McDonald will give us an expert opinion?

I guess that’s professional courtesy.

…it’s better than most of the programming on CNN:

Ex-CNN exec caught on video putting dog poo in mailbox

On the bright side, the video to go along with the dog poop in the mail box story will be better than Brisket^®‘s teevee show!

It must be something in the water:

CHEYENNE — State representatives on Friday advanced legislation to launch a study into what Wyoming should do in the event of a complete economic or political collapse in the United States.

House Bill 85 passed on first reading by a voice vote. It would create a state-run government continuity task force, which would study and prepare Wyoming for potential catastrophes, from disruptions in food and energy supplies to a complete meltdown of the federal government.

The task force would look at the feasibility of Wyoming issuing its own alternative currency, if needed. And House members approved an amendment Friday by state Rep. Kermit Brown, R-Laramie, to have the task force also examine conditions under which Wyoming would need to implement its own military draft, raise a standing army, and acquire strike aircraft and an aircraft carrier.

Yes, gotta defend the Wyoming coast from invasion. Someone might try to cross the Snake River or something.

(H/T Scissorhead Skinny-D, original source: Trib.com)

“I am giving up my opinion [for Lent].”

–Callista Gingrich

(H/T Watertiger)

…Empire of the Senseless, which is Scissorhead Zombie Rotten McDonald’s place on the web.

Considering the on-coming zombie apocalypse, I think it makes sense to have a zombie on the hometeam.

I worship the ground that Paul Ryan walks on.

– Blam-Blam

…anything human in there

Cheney undecided on heart transplant operation

“Pass me a kitten-ka-bob, Lynne!”

…except when it gets in the way of profits:

Despite sanctions and trade embargoes, over the past decade the United States government has allowed American companies to do billions of dollars in business with Iran and other countries blacklisted as state sponsors of terrorism, an examination by The New York Times has found.

No! Say it isn’t so! There must be a good reason for this outrage!

Most of the licenses were approved under a decade-old law mandating that agricultural and medical humanitarian aid be exempted from sanctions. But the law, pushed by the farm lobby and other industry groups, was written so broadly that allowable humanitarian aid has included cigarettes, Wrigley’s gum, Louisiana hot sauce, weight-loss remedies, body-building supplements and sports rehabilitation equipment sold to the institute that trains Iran’s Olympic athletes.

Dammit, I need examples!

In one instance, an American company was permitted to bid on a pipeline job that would have helped Iran sell natural gas to Europe, even though the United States opposes such projects. Several other American businesses were permitted to deal with foreign companies believed to be involved in terrorism or weapons proliferation. In one such case, involving equipment bought by a medical waste disposal plant in Hawaii, the government was preparing to deny the license until an influential politician intervened.

I’m guessing that if they released the full list of these scofflaw US Corporations that are getting exemptions, we would see that their profits are… offshore and untaxable, good patriots that they are.

(NYTimes)

MPS is growing up! We are getting press releases now, and no one could be more thrilled than I to announce that Kentucky is doubling-down on teh crazeeee:

Governor Steve Beshear today joined the Ark Encounter LLC to announce the planned construction of a full-scale Noah’s Ark tourist attraction in northern Kentucky. Partnering with the Ark Encounter is Answers in Genesis, which is most widely known for its high-tech and popular Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky.

Scissorheads, rejoice! KY has a new source of income: fleecing the mouthbreathing rubes that want to see The Creation Museum (complete with Dino-riding early Christians) and The Flood.

We are excited to join with the Ark Encounter group as it seeks to provide this unique, family-friendly tourist attraction to the Commonwealth. Bringing new jobs to Kentucky is my top priority, and with the estimated 900 jobs this project will create, I am happy about the economic impact this project will have on the Northern Kentucky region.

– Gov. Beshear

The next attraction is Atlantis, showing how the wicked were destroyed.

(Kentucky Governor)

Glenn Beck is. He’s now shilling survivalist food rations for the inevitable uprising and doom that good Americans face:

“I want to talk to you about the changing world that we live in. I want to talk to you about a company that I found called Food Insurance,” Beck says in a segment of his radio show featured on Food Insurance’s website. “We have health insurance, this is real food insurance.”

“I finished my food storage, and I couldn’t believe how relieved I was,” Beck continues. “I remember sitting down on the stairs of the basement and looking at it, and thinking ‘I could lose my job, and my family will eat.’ Sometimes guys don’t realize how much pressure is on them.”

(Forbes estimates Beck made $32 million from March ’09 to March ’10.)

The Food Insurance website also features a video of Beck talking about how this is a “crazy” world. He says his staff and family all have the backbacks [sic], with “everything that you need in case the world goes to heck in a handbasket [sic].”

“Do the easy stuff now,” Beck says, in conclusion. “Prepare yourself for what we all hope won’t happen, but probably will, if you’re not prepared. Thanks.”

The company’s website says, “While your neighbors are struggling to find food, you will be dining on lasagna, beef stroganoff, and a variety of other delicious entrees. What’s more, this food will retain its nutritional value and freshness for up to ten years.”

So it’s just more of the GOP’s Screw you, I got mine.

(TPM)

No, not that undead…

Sweet baby Jeebus! Even our corpses are armed to the teeth:

NEW YORK – Police say an employee doing gardening work dug up a garbage bag containing military-grade explosives at a historic Manhattan cemetery last fall but left it at the site. It remained there until a volunteer told authorities about it on Monday.

Um, what was an employee doing digging up a cemetery? Necromancy, that’s what. But it is going to take more than bomb-wielding zombies to elect Paladino. Nice try, looser.

(AP)

Jim DeMint (Nutjob – SC) cannot remember Chinless Mitch’s name. DeMint–because of his teabagger kingmaker status–is in position to challenge McConnell if Wingnuttia takes back the Senate.

The Pope will not be arrested. That non-news flash offers a taste of what Benedict XVI is up against in his historic four-day visit to Britain, which he will set off for on Thursday. It promises to be the chilliest – and potentially rudest – welcome of his 17 trips abroad.

Media Matters

Icky. He must be all worm-ridden by now. Just like Nancy.

AP

“I hated you first!” “Shut up and smile!”

Jeebus!

Incompetent drunken-sot, Mark Penn, who singularily sank Hillary Clinton’s preznintial campaign (well, Hil helped sink it, too) is raising money for happily married heterosexual Charlie Crist’s Senatorial Campaign.

Things are getting interesting now…

Former US vice president Dick Cheney is out of intensive care but still in hospital more than five weeks after being admitted for his latest heart problems, his evil spawn said Sunday on Fox News, her personal Facebook.

“He is still in the hospital, but he’s doing well.
He’s out of the intensive care unit and hopefully will be home later this week. He’s looking at fly fishing and hunting dates for later on this year, so we’re very hopeful.

– Liz Cheney, the MOST IMPORTANT DEPUTY ASSISTANT SECRETARY OF STATE FOR NEAR EASTERN AFFAIRS In Our Nation’s History, Maybe Ever

“In the meanwhile,” the Princess of Darkness did not say, “we are looking for some old guys for him to shoot in the face, you know, to help him keep his morale up.”

Remember this morning, when MPS published a bit about how the lipless nonblinking Space Alien, Steve Forbes was overjoyed at the death of Senator Byrd? Me neither!

But his fear of the might Scissorheads is such that Mr. FlatTax has refined his statement! Previously, he said:

“Good news: Financial reform bill may still fail b/c of loss of Byrd vote & 2nd thoughts from Sen Brown.”

…and now he says:

Want to clarify previous message re Byrd & fin reform bill-previous message was abbreviated,meant only to point to political impact on bill

…and just to be safe, he also adds:

We all mourn the passing of the longest serving member of the US Senate — Byrd’s accomplishments were truly legendary

Who says you cannot teach old nonblinking space aliens new tricks?!

Remember a few weeks back MPS featured a video from Alabama’s Teabagger of Choice, Rick Barber, who was having some sort of drug-addled imaginary discussion with dead presidents who were encouraging him to start an insurrection? Me neither!

Anyway, it seems he was able to prove that he was not going to harm himself, and so they let him out of the Shady Lawn, and he has made another completely INSANE commercial! With dead presidents, a singing Aryan dentist/Flügelhorn player, and pretty much the entire inbred population of Alabama behind him, Zombie-attack style. He then wraps things up by making fun of Glenn Beck.

The man is an auteur. Someone needs to get his demo tape to James Mangold, so he can see who should have played Tom Cruise in Tom Cruise’s latest flop.

Mooselini is on her way to make sweet, sweet, photo ops with the UK’s fossilized remains from the ’80s, Lady Thatcher, who is the last known fascist to shake Saint Ronnie’s Dick, the sacred relic of the GOP.

We assume that the Wassila Chillbilly is onto some new grift, and her mark must be senile. Someone should tell Lizzy to keep the crown jewels locked up. And the Princes, too, if Bristol is along.

Of course Pipette will try to sneak into Harvey Nic’s for free couture, and little Algorythm (the likeable Palin) will probably be lost in Heathrow’s baggage claim.

(The UK Press is already having a field day with this.)

They say that you end up with the face that you deserve, and in Bobo’s case it should be plural.

Today, Bobo again lays claims to the ideological center, which is amusing because he describes his political belief as progressive conservatism, a self-canceling phrase if ever there was one. I think what he really means is that he wants to luncheon with the ladies of the upper east side, if only they will have him. Here’s a clue, Bobo: they won’t.

Wistfully, Bobo says that he is to the Left of the Republicans, and to the Right of the Democrats, which he claims puts him in the squishy middle, a veritable no-man’s land, where the pure of heart and soul reside.

Like the Lucky Pierre in a Saint Ronnie and Newt Gingrich sandwich, this middle — of which he offers no evidence of existing — he says is powerless because the Dims have taken a hard-left ideological turn, which has left the Party of God no choice but to turn hard right. Bobo, you see, is the innocent man in the middle.

As government grew, the antigovernment right mobilized. This produced the Tea Party Movement — a characteristically raw but authentically American revolt led by members of the yeoman enterprising class…

As government grew, many moderates and independents (not always the same thing) recoiled in alarm. In 2008, the country was evenly split on whether there should be bigger government with more services or smaller government with fewer services…

During periods of government war, the Democratic Party also reverts to its vestigial self. Democrats don’t want to defend big government, so instead they lash out at business. Over the past weeks, President Obama has upped his attacks on Big Oil, Wall Street and “powerful interests,” sounding like an orthodox Reagan-era Democrat.

The government war is playing out just as you’d expect it to, strengthening those with pure positions and leaving those of us in the middle in the cross-fire. If the debate were about how to increase productivity or improve living standards, people like me could play. But when the country is wrapped up in a theological debate about the size of government, people like me are stuck crossways, trying to make distinctions no one heeds.

I’ve gone on at length about Bobo’s cheerleading role through the Reagan zombies’ dismantling of the country, the rape and pillage that started with the weakest amongst us and now has pretty much destroyed the middle class. The undeclared class war (and that is what it really is) is now threatening even his own privileged upper-middle class self as his precious media consumes itself and thrashes about like a dinosaur in quicksand: alive, doomed, and knowing it.

Police and Fire departments across the country are decimated and taking staff cuts, the roads are crumbling; bridges have already collapsed. The mad villagers have grabbed their teabags and stormed the federal government, demanding that Americans want less, please take more away from us. And meanwhile, in the castles, the CEOs laugh and laugh and laugh, making bets with the Wall Street Bankers on how to further put their heels on the necks of the little people. And Bobo laughs with them, and provides them cover, hoping that they will throw him a crumb.

Bobo cheered on the policies that have lead to the off-shoring of entire sectors of the economy, the tax breaks that encouraged them, the trade deals that codified the race to the bottom. Bobo enabled where he could, and used his dulcet, modulated civil tone to assure his readers that a country that no longer makes anything can survive. You know, as long as you do not want anything, anyway.

“Let’s take Betty Sutton out of the House and put her back in the kitchen.”

Keep digging that hole, County GOP chairman Bill Heck:

I’m not sure that it was intended — in fact I’m positive that it was not in intended to be sexist. In fact, it was speaking to the people of that district, and not intended to be a sexist comment.

Maybe some of your best friends are women?

I mean, I have a wife that was elected twice to county office, and once was a judge. I’ve got two daughters.

Let me guess, you had nothing to do with it, right:

It was not authored by me, but it was published by the Republican Party of Medina County. We are just trying to get the attention of the voters. It is rhetoric that I think is very common in all elections, of sending people somewhere — either to the House or back from the House.

Why not just apologize, you drooling, knuckle-dragging neanderthal?

And we certainly apologize for any offense that anyone would take from this.

(TPM)

Thanks for the warning, SoyBlo. Wait a moment, Michael Steele is coming out tomorrow?!

(OK, someone has to come clean: did she really go to college? Does she really have a book deal? This is all a big joke, right?)

…by Doughy Pantload

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

We all knew this day was coming.

Yes, Wingnuttia and Bachmann-the-Nut are in a tizzy because of the Census workers are using GPS devices that allow the department’s field workers to collect and transmit information electronically, including GPS positions, so houses and apartments get placed in the right location in its records.

But you see, to them the feds wanted the coordinates of American homes “in order to facilitate an eventual roundup of dissenters. Or the GPS readings were for when the White House, under the cover of an unspecified calamity, invites in the UN soldiers – who, after all, won’t be able to read American street signs. Or for when the authorities, cutting to the chase, call in unmanned Predator strikes against undesirables.”

And yes, the article does call out The Nut specifically for her role in this delusional nut-world.

We’ve all seen it, or at least heard of it. Some loser in his mamma’s basement (with or without PJs) somewhere writes an alternative universe story to Star Wars, or Star Trek, or something else. In the other universe, Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock do the wild thing, or Buffy is a lesbian, or Nooner is sober and so on. Harmless stuff to exercise their fantasies and let their inner 15-year old boys out into the world (it is almost always a he, and it is almost always sexual) while waiting for Glee to come on…

Imagine my surprise, then, to find another sort of fiction, one that I can only describe as militarism porn, or post-apocalyptic fiction or something. Let me introduce you to the masturbatory world of 2011: Obama’s Coup Fails.

Yes, it is the near future, and The Carebear decides to overthrow the country, merge it with Canada and Mexico, and of course being a socialist… well, I think you get the picture. Except this is actually some sort of game, not just some passive reading.

The idea of the game is to capture the president and restore freedom.

Now there are some great moments described in the scenarios, which will tell you with which fist the author’s inner 15-year old boy is using for his, um, non-reading effort. Malkkkin becomes a hero, for instance. Glenn Beck and Junkie Limbaugh become martyrs. Hannity bravely leads a brigade. It just gets sillier and sillier.

Now then, when it comes to silly post-apocalyptic scenarios, no one puts Doughy Pantload in the corner. Yes, the most dishonest person at the most intellectually dishonest Blog on Poo Corner, Doughy Pantload himself, wrote his survival plans for a zombie attack.

UPDATE 1: “SERVERS OVERLOADED We are adding servers right now. Site is going viral. Strength and Freedom!” — Sweet Jeebus, you just cannot make up crap like that.