Mock, Paper, Scissors

Krugy, the first commercial sperm cocktail.

(Slow Cocktails)

OK, I lied. And this from the man who was measuring his weiner only yesterday.

Star Trek Geeks everywhere are changing their shorts as Spock-like Obama and Lt. Uhuru give us the Vulcan salute.

UPDATE: Browsers vary, so here’s another link:

News you can use all day

Petunia and Pals “War on women? What war?” Bonus: Malkkkin, she-wolf of the Nazis is the guest!

• Hey guys, remember that time that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum said that his home state of Pennsylvania is a must-win contest for his doomed 2012 Goat Rodeo run? Me Neither!, but anyway, as soon as he said it, Pennsylvania remembered what a theocratic prick he is and his numbers started to drop. Willard 2.0 is ahead by 6 points. (Public Policy Polling)
• We hear you – The UK’s Sky News has revealed that one of its executives authorized email hacking, you know, for the good of the public. That’s gonna leave a mark on Uncle Rupie. (Guardian UK)
• Hey guys, remember that time yesterday when some school kid in Ohio was denied his right to free speech to wear a tee-shirt with a christian fish with a rainbow flag that declared that Jeebus is not a homophobe and so the Lambda Legal people sued the school for him? Me Neither!, but anyway, he’s won a reprieve and can wear the shirt on the school’s Day of Silence observation. (Lambda Legal)

i am back….. and we have a whole new award to be handed out as we head into the 2012 election – Teabagger of the Day

you can rest assured that between now and November our amigos from the Nestea-set will say, enact, produce, legislate and just fart out some of the most insane and ridiculous stuff since Mitt Romney added an elevator for his wife’s 378 Cadillacs

Today’s Winner – Arizona State Senator – Judy Burges – a Republican (what else!) from Skull Valley, AZ

Ms. (a term I use loosely) Burges is pushing a bill in Arizona (which is quickly surpassing Oklahoma as the state with the most insane and fascist legislators) that will “wipe out any environmental program administered or funded by the government to prevent social engineering … including where we live, what we eat.”

Besides believing in magic underwear, that the Flintstones were real, and that women should be barefoot, pregnant and have ultra-sound devices shoved up their hoo-hoos, Burges and her ‘bagger compatriots also believe that clean (or green) energy programs are some sort of secret plot to create a single world government order – a world order I am sure she believes will be headed by a non-white Kenyan.

Burges’ paranoia, besides coming from just her breathing, is based on a non-binding United Nations international plan for environmentally-sustainable development called Agenda 21.  Agenda 21 is a teabagger version of Area 51.  I am sure Ms. Burges failed to acknowledge that Agenda was adopted in 1992 by 178 countries, including the United States under the George H.W. Bush administration.

Judy, Judy, Judy’s bill would bar any municipality or county in Arizona “from adopting or implementing the United Nations Rio Declaration on Environment and Development.”  They could not accept funds from, spend funds from or give funds to “certain non-governmental organizations,” including non-profit groups and contractors, for any of Agenda 21′s initiatives.

Methinks Judy Burges’ husband must own a gas-mask company.

So as we enter the real election season, our first winner of Teabagger of the Day is….

“Excuse me! Excuse me! Is it fresh?” — Hannibal Lechter’s mother

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)

News that will drive you to drink

• Panic! Run for the exits! - Notable bed-wetting wing-ding Bryan Fischer thinks that mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum should give it his all, because Frothy’s next chance in 2016 (Sorry, Willard 2.0) he will be up against governors Christie, Jindal, and Rick Perry, so it is now or never. And in the meanwhile, “Gridlock is our only hope.” (American Family Association)
• Willard 2.o Builds Excitement -
  

  “Nobody thinks Romney’s going to win. Let’s just be honest. Can we just say this for everybody at home? Let me just say this for everybody at home. The Republican establishment — I’ve yet to meet a single person in the Republican establishment that thinks Mitt Romney is going to win the general election this year. They won’t say it on TV because they’ve got to go on TV and they don’t want people writing them nasty emails. I obviously don’t care. But I have yet to meet anybody in the Republican establishment that worked for George W. Bush, that works in the Republican congress, that worked for Ronald Reagan that thinks Mitt Romney is going to win the general election.” — Joe Scarborough

• Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and refill the copier - Unblinking Space Alien Rep. Steve King (R-IA) thinks the problem is not that gays and lesbians are being fired for being gay and lesbian, it’s that they are telling people that they are gay and lesbian: “In the first place, I would think that unless someone makes their sexuality public, it’s not anybody’s business, so neither is it our business to tell an employer who to hire. He won’t know who to discriminate against in the first place.” (Think Progress)

“I think that Gloria would be very, very, very impressed with [my penis]. I think she would have a whole brand new image of Donald Trump.”

–Short-fingered Vulgarian, Donald Trump

I would so like to ride in this car. Anyone who can make that song sound fresh has a lot of talent.

“About the “Van Sessions”: Nicki Bluhm & The Gramblers are a rock/country/soul band from San Francisco with a busy touring schedule. Between gigs they pass the time by playing cover songs in their van, recording them with an iPhone and posting them online for fun. They do, indeed, wear their seatbelts.”

Where’s Willard’s Wallet?

Pornstars Against Santorum

That is all.

(Raw Story — and yeah, it is a parody.)

“We expect Mitt Romney to do well in the D.C., area, no shock there, in fact it might even be unanimous — I don’t know that we’ll pick up a single vote in D.C. because of the vitriol D.C. has for a someone like Rick Santorum who wants to shake things up here in Washington.”

–Rick Santorum campaign spokesman Hogan Gidley

It’s true: Frothy didn’t get a single DC vote: he wasn’t on the ballot because he didn’t pay the fee.

Jeebus, some people…

(The Hill)

The creeping theocracy continues, and as always it starts with the schools:

Tennessee Gov. Bill Haslam (R) will “probably” sign a bill meant to protect teachers who allow students to question and criticize “controversial” scientific theories such as evolution, he told reporters on Monday.

Next up, Quadratic Formula: Fact or Witchcraft?

(HuffPo)

News you can use all day

Petunia and Pals says that Chatty Cathy Joe Biden told first responders not to respond. Wait. What?

• Women are not interested in contraception, cont. - Another day, another trial balloon to walk back the War on Women. The election is all about soccer moms wanting to take the kids to practice; they should not worry their pretty little air-filled heads where the kids come from, the GOP guesses. (National Journal)
• Jeebus is not a homophobe - Lambda Legal has filed a brief on behalf of a high school student for the right to wear a shirt with a rainbow fish and the slogan Jesus is not a homophobe on the School’s Day of Silence. The previous two years the kid was ordered to remove the shirt. (Lambda Legal)
• The Inflatable Santorum - A balloon artist made a balloon sculpture of Frothy, thus defying the odds of mixing a balloon and a prick. (The Ticket)

And it still punches me in the face.

Dude, a gal like that can get as many bananas as she wants.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)

Homosexuals have absolutely nothing good to contribute to family life, which is what marriage is all about. A sterile union (between same sex couples) is never in need of marriage, and has nothing good to contribute to marriage or family life – absolutely nothing.”

–Paul Madore, No Special Rights Campaign

(Mike Heath)

News that will drive you to drink

• How’s that Rogue thing workin’ out for ya? - Well, of course everyone knows by now that Mooselini was the co-host of some lame-stream media morning chat show, right? Anyway, she recommended that whoever the GOP nominee is, that he goes rogue and picks someone not afraid to shake it up, or something like that in her word salad. (The Ticket)
• Some say, some said - “Thoughts? Did Obama Campaign Threaten Chelsea Clinton’s Life 2 Keep Parents Silent?” — and this passes as journalism by Fox News Anchors, tweeting that question out to their followers. (TPM)
• Hey guys, remember that time when some Wingnutter in Wisconsin tried to fire-bomb the Planned Parenthood there shortly after notable theocrat Pope Frothy Sanctimonious I campaigned there? Me Neither!, but anyway, the local police have a suspect, an older white dude. I’m shocked. More to come, I’m sure. (Post-Crescent)

Notable theocrat dimwit secessionist Rick Perry can add another achievement to his resume: singing (fool? yes):

A bad back doomed any chance Perry stood to break through. It became an open secret that he was using painkillers in sufficient dosages to keep him standing through the two-hour debates. The manager of a rival campaign was at a urinal in an empty bathroom in Hanover, New Hampshire, before the Bloomberg News debate on October 11, when he heard someone come through the door loudly singing “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” Wondering who was making all the noise, the campaign manager turned his head and saw, to his surprise, the governor of Texas. Perry came down the row of about twenty urinals and stood companionably close by. Nonplussed, the campaign manager made a hasty exit; as the bathroom door closed, he could hear Perry still merrily singing away: “I-I-I’ve been working on the ra-a-i-i-l-road, all-l-l the live-long day . . .”

Asked about the episode, a top campaign official said, “He whistles. I wouldn’t read anything into it.”

My pappy warned me about happy strangers in the men’s room… but that aside, it is much more likely he was singing “The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You” (same melody), but might be more, um, likely given Rick’s whispered reputation.

(Politico)

News you can use all day

Petunia and Pals: compares judicial activism to passing laws. Wait, what?

• Flunked - Notable by product of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum has decided that bashing going to college doesn’t work, so instead he will bash the colleges themselves, and the first up is the University of California 10-Campus system. Anyway, Frothy claims that UC doesn’t teach American History. Whoopsie, one doesn’t: the Medical School at UCSF. All the rest do, and it is a requirement to graduate. (Think Progress)
• The quest continues! – The GOP is claiming that Blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash Wannabee Paul Ryan’s plan to feed grandma cat food is bipartisan. The problem, of course, is that they don’t have a single Dim on board. So it must be that other kind of bipartisan, the kind that requires no one else. OK, we’ll go with that. (TPM)
• One ringy-dingy - Notable eaves dropper James Murdoch has now resigned from his daddy’s satellite news service before being seen to resign in disgrace later this week when a critical report is due out. He’s still on the board, though! (Telegraph UK)

…that it’s time to unzip Willard:

Ann Romney, asked in an interview Monday if she has to defend her husband against charges that he is too “stiff,” responded, “we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out because he is not!”

Thanks for that, Ann. I think I would rather believe in a flaccid li’l Willard than a stiff one.

Ewwww, gross!

(HuffPo)

I think you need to know that God/Jeebus/The Bird/The B.V.M love Scissorheads most of all.

Here’s my proof: Catholic Church in Ireland investigating gay porn slideshow

The Roman Catholic Church in Ireland has said it is investigating how a priest offering a presentation to parents on their children’s upcoming confessions instead ended up showing them a computer slideshow of gay porn…

The priest, the Rev Martin McVeigh, “has stated that he had no knowledge of the offending imagery” and is helping an internal church investigation.

McVeigh said other church officials used the memory stick and he wanted an investigation “so that what happened can be legitimately explained”.

“I don’t know how it happened but I know what happened,” McVeigh said.

Another Miracle!

Oh, and I nominate “I don’t know how it happened but I know what happened.” in the quote of the year contest.

(Hat tip: The Guardian UK via Scissorhead Pissed In NYC

The GOP had this ad, too, but the model looked, um, slightly, er, well, a-hem…

(H/T Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns)

News that will drive you to drink

Fox News: “Trayvon Martin was a late abortion”–Alveda King

• Brown-Noser Brown Noses Brown - The Ruth Institute, which is a wholly-owned subset of homophobic failed social engineering agitprop group NOM thinks that NOM’s Brian Brown is a genius. (One News Now)
• The Only Poll That Counts - Notable right-wing polling company Rasmussen (Motto: “Yes, Republican?”) has Wisconsin Governor and wall-eyed git Scott Walker goin’ down to defeat in his recall campaign. (Rasmussen)
• Told you so - That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter Rick Santorum has condemned the violence in Wisconsin wherein someone tried to blow up a Planned Parenthood clinic. He then attacks Planned Parenthood just as predicted. (TPM)

A Planned Parenthood in Wisconsin is bombed the same weekend Frothy campaigned there.

OK, it is a cheap shot, I admit it, but when you demonize something, someone, some idea to the weak-minded and gullible, you should expect consequences. I’m sure that Frothy never told anyone explicitly to go bomb PP, but he didn’t have to. I’m sure he will release a grim and smug statement condemning violence that will also include a statement about the evils of abortion.

The building was barely damaged, no one was hurt, so it was a kind of Wisconsin Nice domestic terrorism, but I’m sure it had the effect that whoever is responsible wanted: women will be scared to go to Planned Parenthood in the Midwest.

The cycle will continue as it always does.

(TPM)

Even Andy Richter is getting in on the act!

Just a reminder, the Blog Against Theocracy blogswarm is this weekend (Friday through Sunday), and its purpose is to remind people why we have a firewall between Church and State; it is not an opportunity for bashing religion. I don’t care if you worship The Dead Guy, a rock, or the FSM, just don’t force it on me. And I promise not to foist my beliefs on you.

(BuzzFeed)

News you can use all day

Petunia and Pals wants to know if the Kenyan Usurper Hawaiian Devil Baby President Carebear has a problem with capitalism.

• Women are fleeing from the GOP in record numbers since the mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers started attacking contraception. Anyway, President Carebear has a double-digit lead with women currently, and meanwhile Willard 2.0 is trying to figure out how to effectively use his spousal unit Stepford Ann. (TPM)
• ¡Geraldo! apologizes to Trayvon Martin’s parents for his stuuuuuuupid hoodies-will-kill-your-kiddies comments, and they accepted it. (Politico)
• Stephan Colbert released the SuperPac Super Fun kit, so for $99 and an overwhelming desire for civic engagement, you too can create your own SuperPac. (Political Wire)

“There’s one thing worse than a convention fight and that’s picking the wrong candidate.”

–Frothy on Dancing with the Gregory

I’m guessing that means that Frothy is not going to soon stop his doomed 2012 Goat Rodeo bid. Jeebus must love us, Scissorheads, but not enough to have kept Bachmann-the-Nut in the race.

First, the lie from very serious person and maker of budgets, the Blue-eyed Snidely Whiplash wannabee Paul Ryan.:

“We don’t think the generals are giving us their true advice. We don’t think the generals believe that their budget is really the right budget. I think there’s a lot of budget smoke and mirrors in the Pentagon’s budget.”

OK, smoke and mirrors, got it. After all, he is an expert in lying with budgets. Anyway, his comment in which he either said that the Generals are incompetent or liars provoked this response:

“There’s a difference between having someone say they don’t believe what you said versus … calling us, collectively, liars. My response is: I stand by my testimony. This was very much a strategy-driven process to which we mapped the budget.”

–Gen. Dempsey

Dude knows when he’s been dissed. Anyway, the General’s response provoked the creepy little dissembler to reply thusly:

“I really misspoke. And I did not mean to impugn the integrity of the military in any way. It was not the impression I meant to give. I talked to General Dempsey on it, and expressed that sentiment.”

Got that kiddies? You can say whatever you want, and then walk it back saying you misspoke. You can accuse people of playing politics with their sworn testimony and then say that it was not the impression you meant to give.

And this is why all of Wingnuttia and the Villagers say that Paul Ryan is a serious person. The end.

…any Scissorheads win the Lotto?

(Sorry for the absence yesterday; I had a full day–in the pouring rain–helping some friends, then drinks, dinner, and bed.)